Communicating with a high-conflict ex: BIFF, grey rock and when to stop direct contact

The short answer

Keep every message short, factual and about the children or logistics. Use the BIFF method (Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm), move all communication to a written channel you can keep, and don't answer insults at all. If messages become threatening or you feel unsafe, stop direct contact and get help from a lawyer, the police or a protection order.

If every message from your ex makes your heart race, you are not imagining it and you are not overreacting. Some people use communication as a way to keep a fight going, and separation can bring that out at its worst. You can't control what they send. You can control what you send back, and that turns out to matter a great deal, both for your peace of mind and for how things look if a court ever reads the thread.

If you are afraid for your safety

This guide is about difficult communication, not abuse. If your ex threatens you, monitors you, or you are afraid of what they might do, a communication technique is not enough. Read our guide to separating safely when there is abuse. If you are in danger, call 911. In the US, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788. In Canada, ShelterSafe.ca helps you find a shelter or support service near you.

Why your replies matter so much

Two reasons. The first is practical: a high-conflict person often responds to emotion with more emotion. Long explanations, defences and counter-accusations give them more to react to. Short, calm replies give them very little.

The second is legal. Messages between separating parents are regularly shown to mediators, lawyers and judges. In Canada, the Divorce Act lists factors a court must consider in deciding a child's best interests, and they include each parent's willingness to support the child's relationship with the other parent and each parent's ability and willingness to communicate and cooperate on matters affecting the child. US courts look at similar things under their own best-interests tests. Your messages are evidence of exactly those qualities. Write every one as if a judge will read it, because one might.

The BIFF response

BIFF was created by Bill Eddy of the High Conflict Institute as a way to respond to hostile messages. It stands for:

Brief. Keep it short. A long reply gives a high-conflict person more to react to. A few sentences is usually enough.
Informative. Stick to straight, useful information: dates, times, facts, options. Leave out opinions, defences and feelings.
Friendly. A short friendly greeting or closing lowers the temperature. "Thanks for letting me know" costs you nothing.
Firm. End the exchange or set a clear limit. Where a decision is needed, offer a clear choice with a deadline, then stop.

The hardest part of BIFF is what you leave out. You will want to correct every unfair statement. Don't. Correct only a fact that genuinely matters, in one neutral sentence, and let the rest go. Not responding to an insult is not agreeing with it.

Sample messages, before and after

A schedule change

Their message: "Typical. You can't even manage one weekend without changing it. I'm not rearranging my life because you can't organise yours."

Tempting reply: "That's rich coming from you. I've covered for YOU five times this year. It's a work trip, not a party. You're being completely unreasonable as usual."

BIFF reply: "Hi. I have a work trip on the 14th. Could I take the kids the weekend of the 21st instead? If that doesn't work, I'll keep the 14th and arrange for my sister to collect them Friday. Please let me know by Wednesday. Thanks."

An accusation about your parenting

Their message: "Emma came back exhausted AGAIN. You let them stay up till midnight. You obviously don't care about their health."

BIFF reply: "Thanks for letting me know Emma was tired. Bedtime at my place was 8:30 both nights. Happy to talk about a shared bedtime routine if that would help. I'm free for a call Thursday evening, or we could each write down what we do now."

Money

Their message: "I'm not paying for hockey. You signed him up without asking, so it's your problem. You always do this."

BIFF reply: "Hi. The registration is $420 and the deadline is the 30th. Our agreement says we share activity costs we both agree to. Are you willing to share this one? If not, I'll decide whether to pay it myself. Please let me know by the 25th."

Notice what each BIFF reply does: it answers the practical question, offers a clear option, sets a reasonable deadline, and ignores the bait. It also reads well to a stranger, which is the point.

Grey rock: what it is and when to be careful

"Grey rock" is an informal technique, popular in support groups and online, rather than a clinical method with a formal definition. The idea is to become as uninteresting as a grey rock: you respond with minimal emotion, give short neutral answers, and share nothing personal, so that there is nothing to react to.

Some people find it helps them stop being drawn into arguments. Two cautions apply when you are co-parenting:

You still have to share what the children need. School events, medical information and schedule changes must still be passed on. Going so quiet that important information is withheld can look like poor cooperation to a court.
Cold is not the same as calm. Pure grey rock can come across as dismissive. Many people find a blend works best: neutral and brief like grey rock, with BIFF's small dose of friendliness.

Grey rock is not a safety plan. If you are dealing with threats or stalking, use the safety resources above.

Ground rules that keep messages to logistics

One topic per message, with a clear subject line in email.
Respond to non-urgent messages within a set time, such as 24 hours, rather than instantly. Waiting lets your heart rate settle.
Read it, draft it, wait, then send. If you are angry, ask a friend to read the draft first.
No sarcasm, capitals or emojis. They read badly out of context.
Never use the children as messengers, and never discuss adult conflict in front of them.
Agree on what counts as urgent (a child is sick or injured, a pickup is cancelled) and how urgent things are communicated, such as a phone call followed by a written confirmation.

Use written channels and keep records

Move as much as you can into writing: email or a co-parenting app rather than phone calls or doorstep conversations. Written messages give you time to think, create a record, and make it harder for anyone to claim something was said that wasn't.

Co-parenting apps are worth considering because messages are time-stamped and usually cannot be edited or deleted, and some include shared calendars and expense tracking. In some cases courts order high-conflict parents to use one. Our guide on using a co-parenting app to protect yourself legally explains how.

For records:

Keep the full thread, not just the worst messages. Selective screenshots look selective.
Back up texts and emails regularly to somewhere your ex can't access.
Keep a short, factual log of missed pickups, late returns and cancelled visits: date, time, what happened.
Don't record calls or access their accounts without legal advice. Rules on recording vary by province and state, and secretly obtained evidence can backfire.

When to stop direct contact

BIFF and good records help with difficult people. They are not meant to make you absorb abuse. Consider stepping back from direct contact when:

messages include threats, intimidation, or harassment that continues after you have asked it to stop
every exchange, however brief, turns into an attack
contact is affecting your health or your ability to parent
the children are being exposed to the conflict

Options, roughly from lightest to strongest:

Parallel parenting. Each parent runs their own household with minimal contact, communicating only in writing about essentials. Our guide to parallel parenting tools covers how this works.
A parenting coordinator. A trained professional who helps high-conflict parents carry out their parenting plan and, depending on the agreement or order and where you live, may be able to make some decisions. See what a parenting coordinator does.
Communication through lawyers. Expensive, but sometimes necessary for a period, especially while a case is active.
A court order setting rules for communication, such as using a specific app, limiting topics, or limiting frequency.
A protection order. If there is family violence, threats or harassment, a court can make orders restricting contact. They have different names: protection orders, restraining orders, and in Canada also peace bonds. See the glossary entries on restraining and protective orders and peace bonds, and speak to a lawyer, legal aid or a domestic violence service.

Look after yourself

Dealing with a high-conflict person is exhausting, and the effects build up. Turn off notifications from your ex and check messages at set times. Talk to a therapist who understands separation; our guide to finding a therapist for separation can help you choose. If you are struggling to cope or having thoughts of suicide, call or text 988 in Canada or the US.

What to do this week

Move communication into writing. Send one calm message proposing email or a co-parenting app for everything except emergencies.
Write a BIFF template and keep it in your notes: greeting, the facts, one clear option with a deadline, friendly close.
Set up your records: a backup of the full message history and a simple log for missed or late handovers.
Turn off notifications for messages from your ex and pick two times a day to check them.
If anything feels unsafe, contact a domestic violence service or a family lawyer this week rather than waiting.

Common questions

What is a BIFF response?

BIFF stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm. It is a method created by Bill Eddy of the High Conflict Institute for replying to hostile messages with a short, factual, polite answer that ends the exchange or sets a clear limit.

Do I have to reply to every message from my ex?

No. Reply to messages that need information or a decision about the children or shared matters. You do not need to respond to insults, accusations or attempts to restart old arguments. Not replying to an insult is not agreeing with it.

Is grey rock a good idea when co-parenting?

It can help you avoid being drawn into arguments, but it is an informal technique, not a clinical method. When co-parenting you still need to share important information about the children, and a little friendliness, as in BIFF, often works better than going completely cold.

Can my texts and emails be used in family court?

Yes. Messages between parents are commonly used as evidence in family cases in both Canada and the US. Write every message as if a judge might read it, and keep the full thread rather than selected screenshots.

When should I stop direct contact with my ex?

Consider stepping back when messages include threats, intimidation or ongoing harassment, when every exchange becomes an attack, or when the conflict is affecting you or the children. Options include parallel parenting, a parenting coordinator, communicating through lawyers, a court order setting communication rules, or a protection order.

Official sources

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This guide is legal information, not legal advice, and it is written for a general audience across Canada and the United States. Family law is provincial and state-based and changes over time. Before you rely on anything here for your own situation, confirm it with a qualified family lawyer in your province or state. FairWell can connect you with one through the professional directory.