Alcohol and other coping that backfires after separation

It often starts reasonably. A glass of wine to take the edge off after a brutal day. A beer to get to sleep. Then the glass becomes the bottle, or the beer becomes three, and the evenings without the children start to have a shape you did not choose. If you are reading this wondering whether your drinking has crept up, that question is worth taking seriously, and it is far easier to answer now than later.

This guide is not a lecture. It covers what the official guidance in Canada and the US actually says, some honest questions to ask yourself, the other ways of coping that quietly backfire, and what to do instead.

Why drinking creeps up during a separation

Alcohol works fast, and separation is relentless. It dulls the 9 p.m. loneliness, quiets the replaying, and helps you fall asleep. The cost comes later.

• The US National Institute of Mental Health lists increased use of alcohol or drugs among the signs of depression, and notes that men are more likely to use alcohol or drugs as a way of coping.
• HeadsUpGuys, a men's mental health program at the University of British Columbia, says self-medicating with drugs or alcohol "will only create bigger problems down the road."
• A 2018 study of 1,551 parents by a Belgian research team linked parental burnout (exhaustion from the parenting role) with addictions and sleep problems.

None of this is about character. It is about a predictable pattern under pressure, and patterns can be changed.

What the official guidance says

In Canada

Canada's Guidance on Alcohol and Health (Canadian Centre on Substance Use and Addiction, 2023) replaced the old low-risk drinking guidelines. It describes risk as a continuum, measured in standard drinks per week:

• 0 drinks a week: "Not drinking has benefits, such as better health, and better sleep."
• 2 standard drinks or less a week: you are likely to avoid alcohol-related consequences for yourself or others.
• 3 to 6 standard drinks a week: your risk of several types of cancer, including breast and colon cancer, increases.
• 7 or more standard drinks a week: your risk of heart disease or stroke increases significantly.

The guidance also says more than 2 standard drinks on one occasion is linked to a higher risk of harm to yourself and others, including injuries and violence. And it makes a point that matters when you are trying to change: "any reduction helps lower the risks. Every little bit counts." Canada's guidance uses its own definition of a standard drink, so check the guidance itself for what counts as one.

In the United States

The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA) says that harms "may be associated with any amount of drinking", and that harm rises as the amount rises. In the US, a standard drink contains 14 grams (0.6 fluid ounces) of pure alcohol: roughly 12 ounces of regular beer, 5 ounces of wine, or 1.5 ounces of 80-proof spirits. A 750 ml bottle of wine holds about five standard drinks. NIAAA defines:

• Binge drinking as a pattern that brings blood alcohol to 0.08% or higher, typically five or more drinks for men or four or more for women in about two hours.
• Heavy drinking as five or more drinks on any day or 15 or more a week for men, and four or more on any day or eight or more a week for women.

NIAAA's Rethinking Drinking site has a free, private self-check and practical tools for cutting down.

Honest questions to ask yourself

These are not a diagnosis. They are a mirror.

• Am I drinking more now than before the separation?
• Do I drink to get to sleep, or to get through a handover or a message from my ex?
• Have I had more than I meant to, more than once this month?
• Do I drink on nights I have the children? Could I drive them, or deal with a night-time emergency, if I needed to?
• Have my children, friends or family mentioned it, or have I started hiding how much I drink?
• Do I feel worse, more anxious or lower the next day?

If a few of these made you uncomfortable, that is useful information, not a verdict.

Your children notice

Children track their parents closely, especially in the middle of a separation when so much else is changing. They notice the bottle in the recycling, the slower reactions, the evening mood. The non-negotiables are simple: never drive with them after drinking, and on nights you have them, stay able to respond if they wake, are unwell or need you.

There is a hopeful side too. Depression and drinking often go together, and studies of mothers treated for depression (a US study in 2006 and a 2015 review of nine therapy trials) found that when the parent's depression improved, children's symptoms tended to improve as well. Getting on top of how you are coping is not only for you.

If an older child or teenager raises it, do not deny it or make it their problem.

Other coping that backfires

Alcohol is not the only thing people reach for. These are common, understandable and, used heavily, tend to make things worse:

• Checking your ex's social media. It feels like information. It is usually fuel for the 2 a.m. spiral.
• Working every waking hour. It feels productive and keeps the feelings away, until it doesn't.
• Retail therapy and big purchases. Money is usually tight after a separation, and spending to feel better tends to add a second worry.
• Cannabis, sleeping pills or other substances used to switch off, especially anything not prescribed for you.
• Rebound relationships started to fill the silence rather than because you are ready.
• Isolating. Cancelling plans feels restful, and then the weekend has gone.
• Constant venting. Talking helps. Replaying the same grievance to everyone, every day, can keep the wound open.

What to do instead

The aim is not to remove every comfort. It is to swap the ones that cost you tomorrow for ones that pay you back.

Practical ways to cut down:

• Pick alcohol-free days and put them in your calendar.
• Do not keep it in the house for a while, if evenings alone are the risk.
• Count honestly. Track drinks for two weeks, using standard drinks.
• Tell one person what you are trying to do. It makes it real.
• Try a set period without alcohol, such as 30 days, and notice what changes in your sleep and mood.

If you have been drinking heavily every day, talk to a doctor before stopping suddenly, so you can do it safely.

Getting help

NIAAA describes alcohol use disorder as "a health condition that can improve with treatment", and says there are more options today than many people expect, including telehealth, and that the most expensive option is not always the best. Its Alcohol Treatment Navigator explains the choices.

• Start with your family doctor or nurse practitioner. Be specific about how much and how often.
• In the US: the SAMHSA National Helpline (1-800-662-4357) is a free, confidential, 24/7 treatment referral and information service in English and Spanish. FindTreatment.gov lists treatment for substance use and mental health. The 988 Lifeline also takes calls about alcohol or drug use concerns.
• In Ontario: the Government of Ontario lists ConnexOntario as a free, confidential 24/7 helpline for mental health, addiction and gambling.
• Elsewhere in Canada: your doctor, your employee assistance program, or our guide to affordable mental health care in Canada and the US.
• If low mood is underneath it: read depression after separation, and tell your doctor about both, so they can be looked at together.

If you are afraid of your ex. Shared communication, handovers and joint plans may not be safe where there has been family violence, threats or coercive control. Your safety, and your children's, comes before any co-parenting advice here. Read separating safely when there is abuse and make a safety plan. Press Shift+Esc to leave this site quickly.

If you are drinking to cope with thoughts of suicide, or you feel unsafe, please reach out now: call or text 9-8-8 in Canada, or call, text or chat 988 in the US. If you are in immediate danger, call 911.

Try this tonight

• Make tonight alcohol-free, and notice how you feel in the morning.
• Pour the non-alcoholic option first, in the glass you would normally use.
• Write down how many drinks you had in the last seven days, honestly, and compare it with the guidance above.
• Delete one app you use to check on your ex.
• Text a friend to set up one plan for the next evening without the children.
• Save the SAMHSA helpline or the 9-8-8 or 988 number in your phone.

Sources

1. Canadian Centre on Substance Use and Addiction. Canada's Guidance on Alcohol and Health. 2023. https://www.ccsa.ca/en/guidance-tools-resources/substances/alcohol/canadas-guidance-alcohol-and-health
2. National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism. Understanding Alcohol Drinking Patterns. Accessed 2026. https://www.niaaa.nih.gov/alcohols-effects-health/alcohol-drinking-patterns
3. National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism. Rethinking Drinking. Accessed 2026. https://rethinkingdrinking.niaaa.nih.gov/
4. National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism. Alcohol Treatment Navigator. Accessed 2026. https://alcoholtreatment.niaaa.nih.gov/
5. National Institute of Mental Health. Depression. Accessed 2026. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/depression
6. HeadsUpGuys, University of British Columbia. Getting Through Depression after a Divorce, Separation, or Tough Breakup. Accessed 2026. https://headsupguys.org/depression-divorce-separation-breakup/
7. Mikolajczak M, Brianda ME, Avalosse H, Roskam I. Consequences of parental burnout: Its specific effect on child neglect and violence. Child Abuse and Neglect. 2018. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chiabu.2018.03.025
8. Weissman MM, Pilowsky DJ, Wickramaratne PJ, et al. Remissions in maternal depression and child psychopathology: a STAR*D-child report. JAMA. 2006. https://doi.org/10.1001/jama.295.12.1389
9. Cuijpers P, Weitz E, Karyotaki E, Garber J, Andersson G. The effects of psychological treatment of maternal depression on children and parental functioning: a meta-analysis. European Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. 2015. https://doi.org/10.1007/s00787-014-0660-6
10. SAMHSA. National Helpline. Accessed 2026. https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/helplines/national-helpline
11. SAMHSA. FindTreatment.gov. Accessed 2026. https://findtreatment.gov/
12. 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. 988 Lifeline. Accessed 2026. https://988lifeline.org/
13. Government of Ontario. Mental health services. 2026. https://www.ontario.ca/page/mental-health-services

This guide is general information for parents, not medical, psychological or legal advice. It draws on published research and guidance from recognised health and family justice bodies, listed under Sources. Every child and family is different. If you are worried about your child or yourself, talk to your family doctor or a qualified professional. FairWell can help you find one through the professional directory.