Can a marriage be saved? What couples counselling can and can't do

The question "should we try couples therapy?" comes up at different points in different relationships. Sometimes early, when things are hard but hope is intact. Sometimes very late, after years of distance, after an affair, or after one person has quietly decided to leave while the other is still trying to hold on. Where you are on that line changes the answer more than anything else.

If you are reading this because you are frightened of losing your relationship, or exhausted from trying to save it, that is a hard place to be. This is an honest account of what couples counselling can and can't do, how to choose someone good, and what to do if your partner won't go.

What the research actually says

The evidence is broadly encouraging. A major review of couple therapy research (Lebow and colleagues, 2012) concluded that couple therapy has a positive effect for about 70 percent of couples who receive it, a result comparable to individual therapy and clearly better than no treatment.

But "improvement" doesn't always mean "stayed together." Some couples who improve in therapy still separate. Improvement can mean they communicate better, understand each other more clearly, get through the immediate crisis, and then either rebuild or end the relationship with more clarity and less damage.

Timing matters. John Gottman, whose research is the basis of the Gottman Method, has said that couples wait an average of six years of being unhappy before getting help. That is understandable, because asking for help can feel like admitting failure. But six years of accumulated resentment and distance is a lot to work with. Earlier is better.

The presenting problem is rarely the real problem

Couples who come to therapy because of money arguments often have a deeper conflict about control and respect. Couples who come because of how often they have sex often have a deeper conflict about emotional connection. Couples who come because of a single event, an affair, a disclosure, a betrayal, often have a deeper conflict about trust that started before it.

A good therapist looks for the underlying pattern, not just the complaint you walked in with. That is one reason early sessions can feel frustrating: the therapist isn't attacking the problem you brought, they are mapping a bigger picture. Give it a few sessions before judging whether it is working.

What therapy can do

Improve communication patterns. Many couples in distress are stuck in cycles of criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling, which the Gottman Institute calls the "Four Horsemen." A therapist can name these patterns and teach alternatives. It is hard work, but it is learnable, and it makes a real difference when both people do it.

Reduce the intensity of conflict. Not ending disagreement, which is normal, but reducing the kind of conflict that does damage. Learning to have the same argument differently is a concrete, achievable outcome.

Help each of you say what you actually need. Many people are better at describing what is wrong than what they want. Therapy creates room to get specific about unmet needs, which is the first step to meeting them.

Build understanding across the gap. Most couples in distress have very different stories about the relationship. Each person feels they are trying harder, carrying more, being treated unfairly. Therapy can create moments of real understanding. Those moments aren't magic, but they are often where rebuilding starts.

What therapy cannot do

Change someone who doesn't want to change. This is the most important limit. If one person is in the room to satisfy the other, to buy time, or to be able to say they "tried," the therapy has little to work with. Both people have to want something to be different.

Overcome fundamental incompatibility. Some couples want genuinely different lives: children or not, where to live, how to live. Therapy is very good at helping people understand each other. It cannot make someone want what they don't want.

Easily repair entrenched contempt. Gottman's research identifies contempt, treating your partner with scorn or superiority, as one of the strongest predictors of relationship breakdown. Long-established contempt is very hard to reverse. Not impossible, but it takes sustained effort from both people.

Save a relationship where one person has already decided. Once someone has made a clear, considered decision to leave, couples therapy is unlikely to change it. It may help them leave more kindly. A therapist who tries to hold a relationship together against one person's clear decision isn't helping either of you.

When couples therapy is not the right tool

If there is physical violence, threats, intimidation, or a pattern of control over money, movements, friends or phones, joint couples therapy can be unsafe. Things said honestly in a session can be punished at home, and a therapist cannot protect you once you leave the room. Many therapists screen for this separately with each partner at the start, and a good one will recommend individual support instead when they see it.

If this sounds familiar, individual support from someone experienced with family violence is the safer route. Read separating when there is abuse. If you are in danger, call 911. If you are in distress and need to talk to someone now, call or text 988 any time in Canada or the US.

Choosing a couples therapist

Not every therapist is trained for couples work. Many excellent individual therapists are not equipped for the dynamics of two people in the room, which takes different skills.

Look for:

• Gottman Method training. The Gottman Institute trains therapists in stages: Level 1 is introductory, Levels 2 and 3 build clinical skill, and the full Certified Gottman Therapist designation, which comes after completing all levels and a certification track, is the highest. The Institute keeps a referral directory.
• Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) training. EFT, developed by Dr. Sue Johnson, is one of the most thoroughly researched couples approaches. It focuses on attachment and emotional connection. Certified EFT therapists can be found through the International Centre for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy (ICEEFT).
• A licence or registration with a regulatory body: psychologist, social worker, psychotherapist, counsellor or marriage and family therapist, depending on your province or state.
• Experience with couples at your stage. Helping a couple in crisis after an affair is different from helping a couple tune up a solid relationship. Say clearly where you are when you enquire.
• Balance. You should both feel the therapist is fair. If one of you consistently feels ganged up on, raise it. If it doesn't change, try someone else.

On cost: couples sessions are often longer than individual ones and priced accordingly. Workplace health plans in Canada may cover sessions with some registered professionals up to an annual limit, and an employee assistance program may offer a few free sessions. In the US, coverage for couples therapy varies by plan, so check before you book.

If your partner won't go

This is common, and it is painful. A few things that sometimes help:

• Ask for something small and specific: "Would you come to three sessions with me?" is easier to agree to than open-ended therapy.
• Offer them a say in choosing the therapist, including the gender, approach or format (online sessions lower the barrier for some people).
• Suggest discernment counselling, which is explicitly not about forcing anyone to stay.
• Go on your own anyway. Individual therapy can change how you show up in the relationship, help you see your own part, and help you decide what you want. Our guide to finding a therapist covers what to look for.

Discernment counselling

Discernment counselling is a short process, no more than five sessions, designed for couples where one partner is "leaning out" (considering leaving) and the other is "leaning in" (wanting to save the relationship). Its purpose is not to fix the relationship. It is to help both people make a clear, considered decision.

It ends with one of three paths: keep things as they are for now; move toward separation; or commit to a six-month, all-in attempt at couples therapy with separation off the table during that time. The point is clarity, not persuasion.

It was developed by William (Bill) Doherty at the University of Minnesota and is offered by therapists with specific training in it. If one or both of you is uncertain, it may be more useful than going straight into couples therapy. If you are trying to think it through on your own first, the private "Should I separate?" reflection can help you put words to where you are.

What to do this week

1. Be honest with yourself about where you are: leaning in, leaning out, or unsure.
2. If there is any fear or control in the relationship, choose individual support first, not joint sessions.
3. Check your benefits for EAP sessions or coverage for registered therapists.
4. Shortlist two or three therapists with couples training, or a discernment counsellor if one of you is unsure.
5. Ask your partner for a small, specific commitment, and book your own appointment either way.

The honest truth

Sometimes therapy's greatest value is helping a couple separate well. Two people who end their relationship with more understanding and less destructive conflict build a better foundation for co-parenting. That is not a failure of the therapy.

If you go in hoping to save the relationship and come out separating with more clarity and less bitterness, that is a real outcome, even if it is not the one you wanted. Your children benefit, your own recovery tends to be easier, and the years of co-parenting ahead are more workable. Whether you are trying to save the relationship or coming to terms with its end, a good therapist, together or on your own, is one of the most useful supports you can have right now.

Common questions

Does couples therapy actually work?

For many couples, yes. A major review of the research found couple therapy has a positive effect for about 70 percent of couples who receive it. It works best when both partners want things to change and start before resentment and contempt are entrenched.

Can couples therapy work if one person has already decided to leave?

Rarely, if the aim is to stay together. It can still help the couple separate with less conflict. Discernment counselling is designed for couples where one partner is leaning out and the other is leaning in.

Is couples therapy a good idea if there is abuse?

Generally not. Joint sessions can be unsafe where there is violence, threats or coercive control. Individual support from someone experienced with family violence is the safer route. If you are in danger, call 911.

What is discernment counselling?

A short process of no more than five sessions that helps a couple where one partner is unsure decide between staying as they are, separating, or committing to six months of couples therapy. It was developed by William Doherty at the University of Minnesota.

This guide is legal information, not legal advice, and it is written for a general audience across Canada and the United States. Family law is provincial and state-based and changes over time. Before you rely on anything here for your own situation, confirm it with a qualified family lawyer in your province or state. FairWell can connect you with one through the professional directory.