The first holidays after separation: schedules, birthdays and getting through the day

The short answer

Agree the plan early, put it in writing with exact times, and build it around the children's experience of the day rather than a perfect split of yours. The most common approaches are alternating holidays each year, splitting the day, or assigning holidays by odd and even years. If you will be on your own for part of it, plan that time as carefully as the time with the kids.

The first holiday season after a separation can hit harder than you expect. The calendar is full of reminders of how things used to be, everyone around you seems to be in a family photo, and you are trying to make it good for the kids while quietly grieving. That is normal. It also gets easier, partly because the second year has a plan that already worked once.

This guide covers the practical side first, because a clear schedule removes most of the conflict, and then the harder part: helping your children and getting through any time you spend alone.

Start early, and start with the kids

Holiday disputes are usually timing disputes. Two parents who both assumed they would have Christmas morning find out in mid-December, and by then emotions are high and there is no time to get help. Raise the holidays at least two months ahead, and earlier if anyone is travelling.

Before you talk about who gets what, ask a different question: what would make this day feel good for the children? Usually it is a few simple things. Knowing the plan in advance. Not seeing their parents argue. Keeping one or two traditions they love. Not feeling guilty for having fun with either parent. A schedule built around those needs is easier to agree on than one built around fairness to the adults.

Holiday schedule options that work

There is no single right schedule. These are the patterns most families choose from, often combining several.

Alternating holidays each year

One parent has the holiday this year, the other has it next year. It is simple, the children get a full, unhurried day, and nobody spends the holiday in the car. The cost is that each parent misses the day entirely every other year, which is hard in the first year.

Splitting the day

One parent has Christmas Eve and the morning, the other has the afternoon and evening, or one has the eve and the other has the day. Splitting works best when the homes are close and handovers are calm. If handovers are tense, or the drive is long, a split can mean the children spend the best part of the day in transit or watching their parents bristle at the door.

Odd and even years

This is alternating with the arithmetic done in advance: for example, one parent has Christmas Eve in odd-numbered years and Christmas Day in even-numbered years, and the other parent has the reverse. Writing it this way means nobody has to remember whose turn it is, and the plan runs itself for years.

Fixed holidays

Some holidays naturally belong with one parent every year. Many plans give Mother's Day to the mother and Father's Day to the father, regardless of the regular schedule. Families who celebrate different religious or cultural holidays often give each parent their own holidays every year. A parent with a big extended-family gathering on a particular day may trade for another day that matters more to the other parent.

School breaks

Longer breaks, such as winter break, spring or March break and summer, are usually split in halves or blocks, with the halves alternating each year. Be precise about when a break starts and ends: the last day of school, or the first full day off?

Birthdays

For the child's birthday, families commonly do one of three things: the child spends part of the day with each parent, the parents alternate years, or the birthday follows the regular schedule and the other parent celebrates on the nearest day they have. Some parents can host one joint party, and some children love that, but only do it if you can both be relaxed and friendly for the whole event. For the parents' own birthdays, many plans let the children spend a few hours with that parent.

Whatever you choose, most parenting plans say that the holiday schedule overrides the regular weekly schedule, and that the regular schedule resumes afterwards. Say that explicitly so there is no argument about it.

What to agree in writing

A holiday plan that lives only in a phone call will be remembered differently by each of you. Put it in writing, ideally in your parenting plan, or at least in an email you both confirm. Cover:

Which holidays are included, and exactly when each starts and ends, with times (for example, December 24 at 10 a.m. to December 25 at 2 p.m.).
Where handovers happen and who drives. A neutral spot or the curb can be calmer than a front door.
Travel. How much notice you will give for out-of-town travel, what itinerary and contact details you will share, and who holds the children's passports. If a child is travelling outside Canada with one parent, the Government of Canada recommends a consent letter from the other parent, even if a parenting order or agreement allows one parent to make travel decisions alone.
Calls. A short phone or video call with the other parent on the day, at a set time, is a kind thing to agree. Keep it short and predictable.
Gifts. Agree whether big gifts will be coordinated, so the children don't get two bikes or one parent isn't outspent into resentment. Agree that gifts belong to the child and can travel between homes.
Extended family. If grandparents or cousins are a big part of a particular day, plan for it rather than hoping it works out.
What happens if a child is sick, or the weather makes a drive unsafe. A simple rule, such as making up the missed time within the next two weeks, prevents a fight.

If you are building a full plan, the parenting plan preparation checklist walks through the holiday section alongside everything else.

Helping the kids through it

Tell them the plan early. Children cope much better with a plan they don't love than with uncertainty. Tell them together if you can, or with the same words if you can't.

Give them permission to enjoy both homes. Many children feel disloyal having fun with one parent while the other is alone. Say out loud: "I want you to have a wonderful time at Dad's. I'll be fine, and I can't wait to hear about it." Then don't sigh when they come back happy.

Keep a tradition or two. The ornament they always hang, the same breakfast, the same film. Familiar rituals tell children that some things haven't changed.

Help younger children give a gift to the other parent. It is a small act with a big effect: it shows them that both parents still matter in each home.

Don't debrief them like a witness. "Did you have a nice time?" is fine. "Who else was there? What did she say about me?" puts them in the middle.

Listen to teenagers. Older children often have strong views about where they want to be. Their input deserves real weight, without making them responsible for the decision. Our guide on how much say teenagers get has more on this.

For broader help explaining the changes, see talking to your kids about separation.

If you are alone on the day

For many parents, the hardest part of the first year is the empty house on the morning that used to be the loudest of the year. Some things that help:

Plan the day in detail. Unstructured time is where grief settles in. Book a walk, a meal, a film, a call, a task.
Tell people what you need. Friends often want to help and don't know whether to invite you. Ask. Accept invitations even if you leave early.
Do something for someone else. Volunteering at a meal service or checking in on someone who lives alone can change the feel of the day.
Celebrate with the kids on your own day. A "second Christmas" or a birthday breakfast the next morning is not second best to children. Many love having two.
Be careful with alcohol and with your phone. Late-night messages to your ex, or posts about how alone you feel, rarely land the way you meant them.
Get support if the day turns dark. If you are struggling to cope or having thoughts of suicide, you can call or text 988 in both Canada and the US, any time. Our separation and mental health guide has more support options.

Building new traditions

The first year is often about getting through. After that, you get to build something. New traditions don't have to be grand: a winter-solstice walk, a cookie-baking afternoon with friends, a birthday pancake stack, an annual trip to the same cabin. Let the children help design them. Over time these become what the holidays mean in your home, rather than a reminder of what changed.

Some separated parents spend part of a holiday together for the children, such as opening presents together on Christmas morning. If you can both do this warmly, it can be a gift. If either of you will be tense, or it gives the children false hope of reconciliation, separate celebrations are kinder.

If you can't agree

If you are stuck, bring in help early rather than in December. A mediator can usually help parents agree a holiday schedule in one or two sessions. If you already have a parenting coordinator, holiday scheduling is exactly the kind of issue they handle; see what a parenting coordinator does. If there is a court order, follow it, and raise changes properly rather than keeping the children past the agreed time. If the other parent refuses to follow an order, keep a record and talk to a family lawyer.

What to do this week

List the days that matter over the next 12 months: religious and cultural holidays, school breaks, each child's birthday, both parents' birthdays, Mother's Day and Father's Day.
Choose a pattern for each: alternate, split, odd and even years, or fixed.
Send a short written proposal with exact dates, times and handover locations, and ask for a reply by a set date.
Sort out travel documents now if anyone is crossing a border: passports, a signed consent letter, and copies of any order or agreement.
Plan your own time for any part of the holidays without the children, and tell one friend what you are doing.

Common questions

Who gets the kids for Christmas in the first year after separation?

There is no automatic rule. Parents agree it, or a court decides based on the children's best interests if they cannot. Common approaches are alternating the holiday each year, splitting the day, or assigning Christmas Eve and Christmas Day by odd and even years.

Should we spend the holiday together for the kids?

Only if you can both be relaxed and friendly for the whole time. Done warmly, a shared morning can be a gift to children. If either parent will be tense, or the children may take it as a sign you are getting back together, separate celebrations are usually kinder.

Do I need the other parent's permission to travel with the kids over the holidays?

Check your parenting order or agreement first, since many set rules on travel and notice. For travel outside Canada, the Government of Canada recommends carrying a consent letter from the other parent even if your order lets you make travel decisions alone. In the US, rules depend on your state and your order.

How do separated parents usually handle a child's birthday?

Common options are splitting the day so the child sees both parents, alternating the birthday each year, or following the regular schedule and having the other parent celebrate on the nearest day they have the child. A joint party works only if both parents can stay friendly throughout.

What if my ex doesn't return the kids on time after the holiday?

Stay calm, contact them in writing, and keep a record of the times. If it happens repeatedly or there is a court order, talk to a family lawyer about your options. Avoid arguing at the handover in front of the children.

Official sources

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This guide is legal information, not legal advice, and it is written for a general audience across Canada and the United States. Family law is provincial and state-based and changes over time. Before you rely on anything here for your own situation, confirm it with a qualified family lawyer in your province or state. FairWell can connect you with one through the professional directory.