Parenting plan preparation

Before you start

A parenting plan is easier to agree when you arrive with your thinking done. Work through this list on your own first, then with your co-parent, a mediator or the FairWell Parenting Plan Builder. You do not need answers to everything in one sitting, and it is normal for some items to bring up strong feelings. Start with the schedule, take breaks, and keep coming back to one question: what do our children need to feel safe and settled?

For the reasoning behind each item, read what a parenting plan is and how to write one.

The schedule

• The regular weekly schedule: exact days, times and exchange locations, and who drives.
• How the schedule changes during school breaks and summer, and the date by which summer weeks are chosen.
• Holidays and special days: who has which, alternating by year or fixed, and confirmation that holidays override the regular schedule.
• Birthdays (children's and parents'), Mother's and Father's Day, religious days.
• Right of first refusal: when a parent needs care coverage, does the other get first offer?

Decisions

• Who decides on education, health, religion and major activities: jointly, one parent, or split by subject (called decision-making responsibility in Canada and legal custody in most US states).
• How disagreements are resolved: discussion, mediation, parenting coordinator, court.
• Consent for travel, passports and moving, including how much notice is given before a move.

Communication

• How the parents communicate (app, email, calls), expected response times, and what counts as an emergency.
• How and when the children contact the other parent.
• What is shared: school reports, medical updates, schedules.
• New partner introductions: notice to the other parent first?

Money

• Child support amount (from the Federal Child Support Guidelines tables in Canada or your state guidelines in the US) and how it is updated each year.
• Special expenses: what counts, pre-approval, sharing ratio, receipts.
• Who claims the child for tax and benefit purposes.
• Insurance coverage and life insurance as security.

Change

• Review dates as the children get older.
• Relocation: notice, consent and process.
• What happens if a parent breaches the plan, and the steps to take before anyone goes to court.

Your children

• Each child's current routines: bedtime, meals, school, activities, medication and medical needs.
• What each child is likely to find hardest about two homes, and what has helped them through change before.
• How older children's views will be heard, without asking them to choose between you.
• How and when you will tell the children, and the words you will both use.
• Who else needs to know: school, daycare, doctors, coaches and close family.

Safety

• Any history of violence, threats, substance misuse or child protection involvement, and whether exchanges or parenting time need supervision.
• If you are afraid of the other parent: get advice before negotiating, and do not share a new address until you have.

Bring to the conversation

• The school calendar for the year and both parents' work schedules.
• Each child's activity schedule and current costs.
• Contact details for the doctor, dentist, therapists and school.
• Any existing court order, agreement or interim arrangement.
• Your draft schedule in writing, with one or two alternatives you could live with.

What to say

To open the conversation with your co-parent: "I'd like us to write down a plan so the kids know what to expect and we have less to negotiate week to week. I've made some notes on the schedule and holidays. Could you look at them and add yours, and then we can find a time to talk, or meet with a mediator?"

When you get stuck on one item: "We don't agree on this one yet. Can we park it, finish the rest, and come back to it, or ask the mediator to help with just this part?"

To the children, once the plan is settled: "Mom and Dad have made a plan for which days you're at each house. Here's the calendar. If something about it is hard for you, tell either of us and we'll talk about it together."

If messages with your co-parent keep turning into arguments, our co-parenting guide has communication rules and more scripts.

Common questions

Do we have to agree on everything before we see a mediator?

No. Bring what you have agreed and a list of what you have not. Mediators are most useful on the items you are stuck on.

Is a parenting plan the same as a court order?

Not on its own. A signed plan is an agreement between you; it can be included in a court order or a separation agreement so it can be enforced. Have it reviewed by a family lawyer before you sign.

What if there has been violence or I feel unsafe?

Do not negotiate face to face. Get advice first from a family lawyer or a local support service, and read FairWell's guide to separating when there is abuse. In an emergency, call 911.

How long should a parenting plan be?

Long enough that a stranger could follow it. Most good plans run to several pages because they spell out exact times, holidays and how disputes are handled.