Teenagers and parenting plans: how much say they get, at what age, and how to write a plan they will actually follow

Every family lawyer has heard it: "At twelve they can choose, right?" No. There is no age of choice in Canada or in any US state. There is a sliding scale, in which a child's wishes count for more as they get older and more mature, and by the mid-teens count for a great deal. The law is clear on the principle and vague on the details, which is exactly why parenting plans for teenagers need more thought, not less.

If your teenager has gone quiet, become furious, or started announcing where they will and won't sleep, you are not failing. Teenagers are supposed to be pulling away and forming their own views; separation just makes that visible. The goal is a plan that takes them seriously without handing them a burden that belongs to the adults.

What the law says

Canada

The Divorce Act requires courts to consider the child's views and preferences, giving due weight to the child's age and maturity, unless they cannot be ascertained. Provincial statutes say the same. Canada is also a signatory to the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child, which guarantees children the right to be heard in proceedings affecting them. Courts hear children's views through a Voice of the Child report or Views of the Child report prepared by a social worker or clinician, through the Office of the Children's Lawyer in Ontario, through a judicial interview in some provinces, or through evidence from parents and others about what the child has said. Direct testimony by children is rare. See views of the child in our glossary.

United States

Every state requires or allows courts to consider a child's preference, and most tie the weight to age and maturity. A handful set a presumptive age at which a child's preference is given substantial weight (Georgia at 14 is the best-known example), but even there the court retains discretion. Guardians ad litem, custody evaluators and in-camera judicial interviews are the usual channels.

In practice

Judges know that a determined sixteen-year-old cannot be made to spend a weekend anywhere. Orders that a teenager refuses to follow are unenforceable in any practical sense, and courts are reluctant to make them. At the same time, courts are alert to a child's views being shaped by one parent, and a teenager's preference to live where the rules are looser is not the same as a preference in their best interests. Maturity, reasoning and consistency of the view matter more than the age on the birth certificate.

How to ask your teenager what they want

The way you ask matters as much as what you do with the answer. Asking "Who do you want to live with?" forces a teenager to choose between two people they love and to carry the guilt of the result. Asking about their life lets them shape the plan without picking a side.

• Ask about logistics, not loyalty: "What does a normal week look like for you this term? Practice, work, when do you see your friends? We want the schedule to fit around that."
• Take the decision off their shoulders: "We really want your ideas, and we'll take them seriously. Your dad and I will make the final call together, so nobody is upset with you about how it turns out."
• Make it safe to be honest: "You won't hurt my feelings if you'd like more time at Mom's during exams. I'd rather know."
• Agree the same message with your co-parent before either of you asks, so your teenager isn't consulted twice with two different agendas.

Avoid asking in the car on the way to an exchange, at bedtime, or straight after an argument. And don't report the conversation back to the other parent as "she said she prefers it here". Pass on the practical points, not the comparison.

Why plans for teenagers fail

• They are written for the child the parents remember, not the one who exists.
• They schedule a teenager's life around parents' rights rather than the teen's school, sport, work and friends.
• They route communication through parents when the teenager has a phone and an opinion.
• They have no mechanism for the teen's input, so the input arrives as refusal.
• They freeze at a point in time and never get reviewed.

What a good teenage plan looks like

A default schedule that still exists

Flexibility is not the absence of a plan. There should be a default: alternating weeks, a 5-2-2-5, a primary home with regular time at the other. The default is where everyone goes when nobody has agreed something different. Without it, "flexible" becomes "whatever the teenager or the more persuasive parent wants," and the other parent slowly disappears.

A flexibility clause

Something like: "The parties recognise that as the children get older, their school, work, activities and social lives will affect the schedule. The children may propose adjustments directly to both parents. The parents will accommodate reasonable requests and will not use the children's preferences against each other. Where the parents cannot agree, the default schedule applies." This gives the teenager a voice and a process, not a veto.

Direct communication

Teenagers arrange their own lives. The plan should let the teen communicate directly with each parent about logistics, while keeping the parents responsible for major decisions and for telling each other what has been agreed. A shared family calendar the teen can see and edit within limits works well.

Transport

Older teens drive, take transit and cycle. Say who provides transport, whether the teen can travel independently between homes, and what happens with a car: whose insurance, who pays, whether it moves between homes.

Money

Phone plans, allowances, part-time job earnings, sports fees, driving lessons. Teenagers cost differently. The shared child expenses clause (section 7 in Canada) should be revisited, and the plan should say who pays for what directly and how the teen's own earnings are treated.

Decision-making with input

Major decisions (school, medical, religion) remain with the parents under the decision-making clause, but the plan can require that the teenager be consulted on decisions that affect them, such as school choice or a change of medical provider.

Rules that travel

Curfews, screen limits, alcohol, driving passengers, dating. Teens exploit inconsistency between homes. Parents do not have to agree on everything, but a short list of shared non-negotiables, written into the plan or a side agreement, removes the most common sources of conflict.

Review dates

At 13, at 16, at the start of each school year. Reviews should be short, and the plan should say what happens if you can't agree: a session with a mediator or a parenting coordinator before anyone goes to court.

When a teenager refuses to go

This is the hardest situation and the most common reason parents of teens end up back in court. Some principles:

• Do not simply accept it. A parent who allows a teen to abandon the other parent, or who is seen to encourage it, risks a finding that they failed to support the child's relationship, which matters in every best-interests analysis.
• Find out why. A teen refusing because of a parent's new partner, a house rule or a conflict is different from a teen refusing because of neglect or abuse. Get a professional involved early if the reason is unclear. If your teen discloses abuse, take it seriously and contact your local child protection agency or the police.
• Adjust the form, keep the substance. A teen who won't do alternating weeks may do dinners, a weekend a month and a summer trip. Preserving the relationship matters more than preserving the schedule.
• Consider therapy or reunification support where the relationship has broken down, before it hardens.

What to say when they refuse

If you are the parent they are refusing: "I miss you and I'm not going anywhere. I'd like to understand what's making it hard to come over. Would dinner on Wednesday, just us, be easier than the whole weekend?" Keep the door open without pleading or blaming the other parent.

If you are the parent they are refusing to leave: "I hear you, and I'm glad you told me. Your time with Dad matters, so you're going this weekend. Let's think together about what would make it better, and I'll raise it with him." Then do raise it, with the other parent, in a short, factual message.

To the other parent: "Ethan has been saying he doesn't want to come on weekends. I don't think he means he doesn't want to see you. I think it's about missing practice. Could we try Saturday morning pickups after his game for the next month?"

When it is about alienation

Where one parent is actively undermining the child's relationship with the other, courts treat it seriously and can change the residence of the child, order therapeutic intervention, and make cost orders. It is difficult to prove and easy to allege. If you believe it is happening, document specific incidents rather than characterising the other parent, and get advice on a Views of the Child or custody evaluation. A parenting coordinator or a counsellor experienced in high-conflict families can sometimes intervene before the pattern sets.

What to do this week

1. Write down your teenager's actual week: school, sport, work, friends, travel time between homes.
2. Agree with your co-parent how and when you will ask for their input, and that the final decision stays with you both.
3. Draft a default schedule plus a flexibility clause like the one above.
4. List the shared non-negotiables (curfew, driving, alcohol, phone at night) and keep it to five or six.
5. Put a review date in the calendar, such as the start of the next school year.

Our parenting plan guide covers every other clause, and talking to your kids about separation has age-by-age scripts.

This guide is legal information, not legal advice, and it is written for a general audience across Canada and the United States. Family law is provincial and state-based and changes over time. Before you rely on anything here for your own situation, confirm it with a qualified family lawyer in your province or state. FairWell can connect you with one through the professional directory. How we write and check our guides.