Self-compassion is not self-indulgence: the evidence and a practice

Most people going through a separation have a voice that runs a commentary in the background. You wrecked this. You should have seen it coming. Look at you, crying in the car again. Many of us keep that voice on purpose, because we think it keeps us in line. If we were kinder to ourselves, the thinking goes, we would fall apart or never take responsibility for anything.

The evidence points the other way, and that is good news, because self-compassion can be learned. This guide explains what self-compassion actually is, what the research says about it, and a short daily practice you can start tonight.

What self-compassion is

Kristin Neff, the researcher most associated with the idea, describes three parts, each set against its opposite:

• Self-kindness instead of self-judgement. Responding to your own pain and mistakes with warmth rather than attack.
• Common humanity instead of isolation. Remembering that suffering and failure are part of being human, not proof that something is uniquely wrong with you.
• Mindfulness instead of over-identification. Noticing a painful feeling clearly, without pushing it away and without being swallowed by it.

Put simply: it is treating yourself the way you would treat a good friend who came to you with the same story.

What it is not

Neff addresses four common fears: that self-compassion undermines motivation, that it is self-indulgent, that it is selfish, and that it is weak. On self-indulgence, she draws a useful line: "Self-indulgence involves giving oneself short-term pleasure at the expense of long-term harm."

That distinction matters during a separation. The third glass of wine, the 1 a.m. scrolling through your ex's photos, the angry text you send because it feels good for ten seconds: those are self-indulgence. Self-compassion asks a different question: what do I actually need, for the person I will be next month? Sometimes the answer is rest. Sometimes it is a hard conversation, an early night or a call to your doctor. It is not always soft.

Self-compassion is also not the same as excusing your behaviour. You can hold yourself accountable for something you did wrong and still speak to yourself like someone worth helping.

What the research shows

In people going through separation

In a 2012 US study, David Sbarra and colleagues asked 109 divorcing adults to speak for four minutes about their separation. Independent judges rated how self-compassionate each person sounded. People with higher self-compassion at the first visit had less divorce-related emotional intrusion into daily life (the unwanted thoughts and feelings about the separation that crowd into an ordinary day), and this effect persisted up to nine months later. It held after accounting for other things that might explain recovery. The authors describe self-compassion as "a modifiable variable": something people can build. This was an observational study, and the authors note it needs to be replicated.

Across many studies

A 2012 meta-analysis by Angus MacBeth and Andrew Gumley, pooling 20 samples from 14 studies, found a large association between higher self-compassion and lower levels of psychological problems (psychopathology). That is a correlation: it shows the two go together, not that one causes the other.

When people are taught it

The stronger evidence comes from trials. A 2017 meta-analysis by James Kirby and colleagues pooled 21 randomised controlled trials with 1,285 participants. Compassion-based programs improved self-compassion, depression, anxiety, psychological distress and wellbeing compared with control groups, with moderate effects. These results held when the programs were compared with other active treatments, not just with doing nothing. The authors caution that most studies were small, so the evidence base is still growing.

Related findings

A 2014 meta-analysis of programs designed to help people forgive a specific hurt (Wade and colleagues) found they reduced depression and anxiety and increased hope, compared with no treatment. And a 2011 review of ways to reduce loneliness (Masi and colleagues) found that, in randomised studies, the most successful approaches worked on unhelpful ways of interpreting social situations, such as the automatic belief that other people do not want you around. Both point the same way: changing how you talk to yourself about what happened can change how you feel.

A ten-minute daily practice

This is a simple routine built on the three parts above. Neff's site has free guided versions, including the "Self-Compassion Break" and an exercise called "How would you treat a friend?", if you prefer to be led through it.

Morning: a two-minute check-in

Before you pick up your phone, sit up and ask yourself: How am I, honestly? Name it in a word or two: anxious, flat, raw, OK. Then ask: What is one thing that would help me today? Keep it small. Eat breakfast. Leave ten minutes early so the school run is not a sprint. Text a friend.

In the hard moment: a one-minute pause

When it hits (a message from your ex, an empty bedroom, a child crying at handover), try three steps:

1. Notice. Say to yourself, "This is a really hard moment." Naming it puts a little distance between you and the feeling.
2. Connect. "Lots of parents feel exactly this at handovers." You are not the only one, even if it feels that way.
3. Be kind. Put a hand on your chest if that helps, and ask, "What do I need right now?" Then do the smallest version of it: a glass of water, three slow breaths, stepping outside.

Evening: the friend exercise, five minutes

Write down the thing you are being hardest on yourself about today. Then write what you would say to a close friend who told you the same story. Read it back as if it were addressed to you. Most people find the second version is both kinder and more useful.

Once a week: one act of long-term care

Choose one thing your future self will thank you for: booking the doctor's appointment, sorting one pile of paperwork, a proper walk, a night off from alcohol. This is self-compassion with its sleeves rolled up.

On the bad days

Some days you will forget the practice, or it will feel pointless. That is normal. Missing a day is a perfect moment to practise: "I didn't manage it yesterday. That's fine. Starting again now."

Self-talk: what to try instead

Forgiveness, including of yourself

Forgiveness comes up often in separation, and it is easily misunderstood. In the research, forgiveness means loosening the grip of resentment about a specific hurt, so that it takes up less of your life. It does not mean reconciling, excusing harm, pretending it did not happen, or lowering the boundaries that keep you and your children safe. You can forgive in your own mind and still keep every boundary in place. The same applies to forgiving yourself for your part.

If there has been family violence, shared communication, joint arrangements and face-to-face handovers may not be safe. Your safety and your children's safety come first. See our guide to safety planning during separation. Press Shift+Esc to leave this site quickly.

Why it matters for your children

Your children see how you handle your own mistakes. A parent who can say "I got that wrong, I'm sorry, let's try again" without collapsing into shame is showing them how to do the same. Our guide to good enough parenting when you are not okay explains why repair matters more than getting it right first time.

When you need more than a practice

If the self-critical voice is relentless, or comes with low mood, hopelessness, poor sleep or loss of interest most days for two weeks or more, self-help is not enough on its own. See your doctor, and read our guide to depression after separation. When you look for a therapist, you can ask whether they use compassion-based approaches. Our guide to affordable mental health care lists free and low-cost options, and the FairWell directory lists verified therapists by region. If you are having thoughts of suicide, call or text 9-8-8 in Canada or 988 in the US now.

Sources

1. Neff K. What is self-compassion? and Self-compassion practices. self-compassion.org. Undated. https://self-compassion.org/what-is-self-compassion/
2. Sbarra DA, Smith HL, Mehl MR. When leaving your ex, love yourself: observational ratings of self-compassion predict the course of emotional recovery following marital separation. Psychological Science. 2012. https://doi.org/10.1177/0956797611429466
3. MacBeth A, Gumley A. Exploring compassion: a meta-analysis of the association between self-compassion and psychopathology. Clinical Psychology Review. 2012. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2012.06.003
4. Kirby JN, Tellegen CL, Steindl SR. A Meta-Analysis of Compassion-Based Interventions: Current State of Knowledge and Future Directions. Behavior Therapy. 2017. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.beth.2017.06.003
5. Wade NG, Hoyt WT, Kidwell JE, Worthington EL. Efficacy of psychotherapeutic interventions to promote forgiveness: a meta-analysis. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology. 2014. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0035268
6. Masi CM, Chen HY, Hawkley LC, Cacioppo JT. A meta-analysis of interventions to reduce loneliness. Personality and Social Psychology Review. 2011. https://doi.org/10.1177/1088868310377394

This guide is general information for parents, not medical, psychological or legal advice. It draws on published research and guidance from recognised health and family justice bodies, listed under Sources. Every child and family is different. If you are worried about your child or yourself, talk to your family doctor or a qualified professional. FairWell can help you find one through the professional directory.