Anger and resentment after separation: keeping them from your children

Anger after a separation can be enormous. Anger at what happened, at how it happened, at the money, at the new partner, at the message that just arrived. Some people feel it from the first day. Others are numb or relieved at first and find the anger arrives months later, often when negotiations get hard.

Feeling angry does not make you a bad parent, and it does not mean you are wrong. The question that matters for your children is not whether you feel it. It is where it lands. This guide is about keeping it from landing on them.

Anger is a feeling, not a verdict

Anger often sits on top of other things: grief, fear, humiliation, exhaustion. HeadsUpGuys, a men's mental health program at the University of British Columbia, puts it plainly: "If you deny how you're feeling, your emotions won't disappear. Instead, they're more likely to come out in other less helpful ways, like anger or hostility."

Anger can also be a sign of something more. The US National Institute of Mental Health lists increased anger or irritability among the signs of depression, and notes that men in particular may seem angry or irritable rather than sad. If you have been snapping at everyone for weeks, read our guide to depression after separation too.

Resentment is anger that has settled in. It is the replaying, the mental court case, the running list of everything the other person did. It is understandable, and it is heavy to carry.

What children experience when anger leaks

The research here is clear, and it is the most useful thing a separating parent can know. For decades, studies in Canada, the US, the UK and elsewhere have pointed to conflict between parents as a powerful influence on how children do.

• A 2018 research review by Gordon Harold and Ruth Sellers found that children's emotional, behavioural, social and academic outcomes are affected by how parents handle conflict, "ranging from silence to violence", whether the parents live together or apart.
• Silence is not safe either. A 2020 meta-analysis of 169 studies found that cold, disengaged or stonewalling conflict carried risks similar to open hostility for several areas of children's wellbeing.
• A 2016 evidence review for the UK government, which Harold and Sellers co-wrote, found that "Parents/couples who engage in frequent, intense, and poorly resolved inter-parental conflicts put children's mental health and long-term life chances at risk", and that children of all ages can be affected.
• That review describes babies as young as six months showing raised heart rates during hostile exchanges between parents, and children under five crying, acting out, freezing, withdrawing or trying to step in.
• Children who blame themselves for their parents' disagreements, or feel responsible for not stopping them, experience "guilt, shame, and sadness/depression." Preschoolers are especially likely to blame themselves.
• A 2002 Justice Canada review describes anger-based conflict between parents as "a strong predictor, and risk factor, of child maladjustment regardless of the family type in which the child is living, whether intact, divorced or stepfamily."
• In a classic 1991 US study of 522 young people aged 10 to 18 whose parents had separated, conflict affected them mainly by making them feel caught between their parents. Young people who stayed close to both parents, and whose parents cooperated, felt less caught.

Here is the hopeful side. Reviews of the research describe resilience in the majority of children whose parents separate. Conflict is one of the factors parents have the most control over. Every time you keep your anger away from your children, you are doing something that research links to how they turn out.

A circuit-breaker for the moment

HeadsUpGuys describes anger as a sequence: "a trigger (cause), the thoughts/feelings, and then an action." You cannot always control the trigger. You can learn to put a gap between the feeling and the action.

1. Notice the early signs. Jaw clenching, heat in the face, a fast heart, the urge to type quickly.
2. Slow your breathing. HeadsUpGuys suggests a simple rhythm: in for a count of 1, 2, pause, out for 3, 4, 5, pause. About eight seconds a cycle. Do several.
3. Delay. Put the phone face down. Leave the room. Nothing needs a reply in the next ten minutes.
4. Choose the action. Ask: "What do I want my child to see me do next?"

Where anger leaks, and what to do instead

Messages

Write the angry version in your notes app, never in the message box. Send the short, factual version later. Our guide to communicating with a high-conflict ex has templates.

Handovers

Handovers are where children see their parents together, so they matter. Keep them short, polite and about the children. If something needs discussing, save it for a message later. See handovers without tears.

Talking about the other parent

Children are half of each parent. Criticism of the other parent can land as criticism of them. You can be honest that you disagree without making your child the audience. Our guide to talking to your child about the other parent goes further.

Phone calls and conversations in earshot

Children hear far more than parents think, through walls and from the back seat. Have the venting conversation with your friend after bedtime, out of the house, or in the car while you are alone.

When you slip: repair

You will lose your temper at some point. Every parent does. What matters most is what you do next.

Research with babies and their parents found that small mismatches between them were repaired about 70% of the time in the very next exchange, and that brief, quickly repaired disruptions may even help development. The risk comes from disruptions that are never repaired. Children do not need a parent who never gets it wrong. They need a parent who comes back and puts it right.

Research on how parents' arguments end also finds that children are sensitive to the ending, not only to the argument. And the UK review notes that teenagers are better than children under nine at picking up cues that a conflict has been resolved. So with younger children especially, say it out loud.

With a teenager, you can add more honesty: "I let my frustration with your dad spill over in front of you. That's not fair on you, and I'm working on it."

Resentment and forgiveness

Forgiveness is a loaded word. In the research it means something specific: letting go of resentment about a particular hurt so that it stops controlling you. It does not mean reconciling, excusing what happened, trusting someone who has not earned it, or lowering any boundary that keeps you or your children safe.

A 2014 analysis of 54 reports found that therapy specifically aimed at forgiveness led to more forgiveness than no treatment or other treatments, and also brought greater improvements in depression, anxiety and hope than no treatment. Longer, individual work tended to help more. If resentment is eating your days, that is something a therapist can work on with you.

If you are afraid of your ex. Shared communication, handovers and joint plans may not be safe where there has been family violence, threats or coercive control. Your safety, and your children's, comes before any co-parenting advice here. Read separating safely when there is abuse and make a safety plan. Press Shift+Esc to leave this site quickly.

Help that works for anger

A 2004 review of 23 studies of adults with anger problems found medium to large benefits across the therapies tested. Cognitive therapies, which work on the thoughts that fuel anger, helped with ongoing, habitual anger. Relaxation methods helped with anger in the moment.

Practical routes in:

• Your family doctor, who can refer you and check for depression.
• A therapist who works with anger and separation. The FairWell directory lists verified professionals.
• The free online self-checks and anger resources on HeadsUpGuys (headsupguys.org), written for men but useful for anyone.
• Your employee assistance program at work, if you have one.

When anger is a warning sign

Get help now, not later, if:

• you have frightened your children, or they have started to tiptoe around you;
• you have broken things, made threats, or physically hurt anyone;
• you are afraid you might hurt someone, or yourself;
• you are drinking to calm down.

If anyone is in immediate danger, call 911. If you feel overwhelmed or unsafe with your own thoughts, call or text 9-8-8 in Canada or 988 in the US, any time. Reaching out at this point is strength, and it protects your children.

Try this tonight

• Practise the breathing rhythm three times while calm, so it is there when you need it.
• Turn off notifications from your ex after a set hour, and pick a time tomorrow to read messages.
• Write the angry letter you will never send. All of it. Then put it away.
• Move your body hard for twenty minutes: a fast walk, a run, a workout.
• If you slipped today, repair it before bedtime, in words that fit your child's age.
• Tell one trusted adult how angry you have been, so it has somewhere to go that isn't your children.

Sources

1. Bernardini SC, Jenkins JM. An Overview of the Risks and Protectors for Children of Separation and Divorce. Department of Justice Canada. 2002. https://justice.gc.ca/eng/rp-pr/fl-lf/divorce/2002_2/p2.html
2. Harold G, Acquah D, Sellers R, Chowdry H, Feinstein L. What works to enhance inter-parental relationships and improve outcomes for children. Early Intervention Foundation. 2016. https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/what-works-to-enhance-inter-parental-relationships-and-improve-outcomes-for-children
3. Harold GT, Sellers R. Annual Research Review: Interparental conflict and youth psychopathology: an evidence review and practice focused update. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry. 2018. https://doi.org/10.1111/jcpp.12893
4. van Eldik WM, de Haan AD, Parry LQ, et al. The interparental relationship: Meta-analytic associations with children's maladjustment and responses to interparental conflict. Psychological Bulletin. 2020. https://doi.org/10.1037/bul0000233
5. Buchanan CM, Maccoby EE, Dornbusch SM. Caught between parents: Adolescents' experience in divorced homes. Child Development. 1991. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-8624.1991.tb01586.x
6. Kelly JB, Emery RE. Children's adjustment following divorce: Risk and resilience perspectives. Family Relations. 2003. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3729.2003.00352.x
7. Goeke-Morey MC, Cummings EM, Papp LM. Children and marital conflict resolution: Implications for emotional security and adjustment. Journal of Family Psychology. 2007. https://doi.org/10.1037/0893-3200.21.4.744
8. Tronick E, Beeghly M. Infants' meaning-making and the development of mental health problems. American Psychologist. 2011. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0021631
9. Wade NG, Hoyt WT, Kidwell JE, Worthington EL. Efficacy of psychotherapeutic interventions to promote forgiveness: a meta-analysis. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology. 2014. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0035268
10. Del Vecchio T, O'Leary KD. Effectiveness of anger treatments for specific anger problems: a meta-analytic review. Clinical Psychology Review. 2004. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2003.09.006
11. HeadsUpGuys, University of British Columbia. Using a Circuit-Breaker for Anger. Accessed 2026. https://headsupguys.org/using-a-circuit-breaker-for-anger/
12. HeadsUpGuys, University of British Columbia. Getting Through Depression after a Divorce, Separation, or Tough Breakup. Accessed 2026. https://headsupguys.org/depression-divorce-separation-breakup/
13. National Institute of Mental Health. Depression. Accessed 2026. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/depression

This guide is general information for parents, not medical, psychological or legal advice. It draws on published research and guidance from recognised health and family justice bodies, listed under Sources. Every child and family is different. If you are worried about your child or yourself, talk to your family doctor or a qualified professional. FairWell can help you find one through the professional directory.