Signs your child is struggling after separation, by age

Almost every parent going through a separation watches their children more closely than usual, and worries about what they see. Is the new bedwetting normal? Is the silence at dinner a teenager being a teenager, or something more? This guide helps you tell the difference between expected reactions and signs that your child needs more support. It cannot tell you what is going on with your own child. Only a professional who meets your child can do that.

First, what to expect

Some upset is normal and healthy. The Canadian Paediatric Society describes younger children regressing (for example, asking for a pacifier again) and older children feeling angry or overwhelmed, and says: "These are all normal reactions, and should get better over time." The American Academy of Pediatrics says many children have short-term painful feelings and bounce back within two to three years. A Justice Canada review of the research found that behaviour problems were higher in the first two years after a divorce and eased over time.

Most children come through well. In a US sample of 12- to 16-year-olds published in 1993, children from divorced families were about twice as likely to have received psychological help as other children (21 percent compared with 11 percent), and 79 percent coped without it. So two things are true: most children do not need professional help, and children of separated parents are more likely than others to need some. Neither is a judgement on you.

Common reactions by age

These lists draw on Justice Canada's guide to how children react at different ages and stages. They describe common reactions, not problems.

Babies and toddlers (birth to 2)

• Changes in sleeping, eating or toilet training
• Temporary setbacks in skills they had learned
• Clinginess, or pulling away
• More crying, irritability and tantrums

Preschoolers (3 to 5)

• Fear of being abandoned, and worry that a parent is leaving them
• Believing the separation is their fault
• Setbacks such as toileting accidents, and clinginess
• More anger and tantrums
• Headaches or stomach aches

Ages 6 to 8

• Sadness and crying, tantrums
• "Difficulty playing and having fun"
• Acting younger than their age, and physical complaints
• Guilt, fear of losing a parent, hoping parents will get back together
• "Feeling loyalty conflicts"

Ages 9 to 12

• Strong anger or aggression, often at one parent
• Pulling away from friends, or a sudden new group of friends
• Shame, and blaming one parent
• Trying to "take care of" a parent they see as more vulnerable, or acting like a parent

Teenagers (13 and up)

• Anger that parents "couldn't try harder", and avoidance
• Shame, sadness or low mood, changes in sleep
• Changes in school performance
• Risk-taking, which Justice Canada describes as "acting out through sex, crime, drugs"

Signs it is time to get an assessment

The question is rarely whether a sign is present. It is how long it lasts, how strong it is and how much it gets in the way. The Canadian Paediatric Society lists warning signs of more serious trouble: anxiety, sadness and depression, changes in eating or sleep, trouble at school, and aggressive behaviour. Its advice: "If the behaviour continues or worsens, speak to your doctor."

The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry (AACAP) adds that younger children may become "more aggressive and uncooperative" or withdraw, and older children may show "deep sadness and loss" and problems with schoolwork and behaviour. On mood, AACAP notes that "Occasional sadness is a normal part of growing up," and that the concern is when a child is sad or irritable, or no longer enjoys things, "day after day." Children may also have "more physical complaints, such as frequent headaches or stomach aches."

Ask yourself these questions. If you answer yes to several, book an appointment.

• Is it lasting? A few hard weeks after a big change is expected. Signs that are not easing after a couple of months, or that keep coming back, deserve a look.
• Is it getting worse rather than better?
• Is it showing up in more than one place? At home, at school, with friends, in both homes.
• Is it getting in the way of daily life? Sleep, eating, school, friendships, activities they used to love.
• Is your child acting much younger for a long stretch, or refusing to go to school? AACAP's guidance on children grieving a death lists both, along with a sharp drop in school performance and an extended period of low mood, as signs that a grieving child needs help. The same signs are worth taking seriously after a separation.
• Is your child telling you, in words or behaviour, that they are not okay?
• Does your gut say something is wrong? You know your child. That counts.

Signs that need help today

Get help the same day if your child:

• talks about wanting to die, killing themselves, or not wanting to be here
• says they feel hopeless, trapped, or like a burden
• has hurt themselves on purpose
• is giving away important belongings or saying goodbye
• is suddenly much more withdrawn, agitated or reckless

These warning signs come from the American Academy of Pediatrics, AACAP and the US National Institute of Mental Health. Not every child with these signs is at risk, and not every child at risk shows them, which is why it is always right to ask and to get help. In Canada, call or text 9-8-8 or call Kids Help Phone at 1-800-668-6868 (or text CONNECT to 686868). In the US, call or text 988. If your child is in immediate danger, call 911. Read children's self-harm or suicidal thoughts: warning signs and what to do.

If your child tells you something that suggests they are being harmed or are afraid of someone, stay calm, listen, and do not question them in detail. Contact your doctor or your local child protection agency (in Canada, a children's aid society or the provincial or territorial child welfare agency; in the US, your state's child protective services).

What to do while you watch

• Keep routines steady and as similar as you reasonably can in both homes.
• Spend one-on-one time with each child. The Canadian Paediatric Society recommends it when you have more than one child.
• Keep a simple note of what you see, when, and what seems to set it off. It helps a doctor or therapist enormously.
• Tell the school. The Canadian Paediatric Society suggests letting teachers, child care providers and coaches know what is happening so they can watch for warning signs.
• Share what you see with the other parent, briefly and factually, if it is safe to do so. A child may be different in each home, and both of you need the full picture.
• Ask, gently, and listen.

If there is family violence: sharing information with the other parent or attending appointments together may not be safe. Read safety planning during separation. Press Shift+Esc to leave this site quickly.

Who to call

• Your family doctor, pediatrician or nurse practitioner. A good first stop. They can check for physical causes and refer you on.
• Your child's school. Many schools have counsellors, social workers or psychologists who can see your child or advise you.
• Your local children's mental health service. Some publicly funded services accept referrals directly from parents. See the local services listed below.
• A child or family therapist. Look for someone experienced with children and separation. The FairWell directory lists verified professionals, and finding a therapist for separation explains what to ask.
• Kids Help Phone (Canada) is also there for young people themselves, by phone or text, any time.

Before booking, check your parenting plan or order for who makes health decisions. Some arrangements require both parents to agree to a child's treatment, or at least to be informed.

What an assessment is for

An assessment is not a label. It is a way for a trained professional to understand what your child is going through and whether they need more than time and support at home. Sometimes the answer is reassurance and a few strategies for you. Sometimes it is a course of therapy. AACAP notes that "there are several effective treatments for depression" in children and teens, including cognitive behavioural therapy and interpersonal therapy.

Look after the parent, too

A 2009 review by Lansford identified a parent's own wellbeing as one of the pathways linking divorce and how children adjust. In a US study published in 2006, when mothers' depression went into remission with treatment, their children's diagnoses fell by about 11 percent overall; where it did not, they rose by about 8 percent. If you are struggling, getting help for yourself is a way of helping your child. See depression after separation.

What the research says

• Help works. In a US randomized trial of the New Beginnings parenting program, 11 percent of adolescents whose mothers took part with them had a diagnosed mental disorder six years later, compared with 23.5 percent in the comparison group (Wolchik and colleagues, 2002).
• A parent's wellbeing matters, and getting help counts. A meta-analysis of 193 studies found that a mother's depression was linked to more problems in children, "with all associations small in magnitude" (Goodman and colleagues, 2011), and when mothers' depression was treated successfully, children improved too (Weissman and colleagues, US, 2006).
• Children who feel threatened by their parents' conflict, or blame themselves for it, show more emotional and behavioural problems (Rhoades, meta-analysis of children aged 5 to 19, 2008). A 2016 UK review for the Early Intervention Foundation reached the same conclusion: children who blame themselves for their parents' disagreements "experience guilt, shame, and sadness/depression."
• Children from divorced families were about twice as likely as other children to receive psychological help (21 percent compared with 11 percent) in a US sample of 12- to 16-year-olds published in 1993, as reported by a 2002 Justice Canada review. Most coped without it.

The fact that you are reading this closely is good news for your child. Most of what helps is ordinary: steady routines, time with you, a teacher who knows what is going on, and a professional's eye when something does not ease.

Sources

1. Department of Justice Canada. How children react at different ages and stages. 2024. https://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/hcrdas-refasd.html
2. Canadian Paediatric Society. Helping children cope with separation and divorce. 2018. https://caringforkids.cps.ca/handouts/mentalhealth/separation_and_divorce
3. American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. Children and Divorce, Facts for Families No. 1. 2026. aacap.org
4. American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. Depression in Children and Teens, Facts for Families No. 4. 2018. aacap.org
5. American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. Grief and Children, Facts for Families No. 8. 2023. aacap.org
6. American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. Suicide in Children and Teens, Facts for Families No. 10. 2024. aacap.org
7. American Academy of Pediatrics. Risk Factors, Protective Factors, Warning Signs of Youth Suicide. Undated. aap.org
8. National Institute of Mental Health. Warning Signs of Suicide. 2025. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/warning-signs-of-suicide
9. American Academy of Pediatrics, HealthyChildren.org. How to Support Children after Their Parents Separate or Divorce. 2020. healthychildren.org
10. Bernardini, S. C., and Jenkins, J. M. (Department of Justice Canada). An Overview of the Risks and Protectors for Children of Separation and Divorce. 2002. https://justice.gc.ca/eng/rp-pr/fl-lf/divorce/2002_2/p2.html
11. Rhoades, K. A. Children's responses to interparental conflict: A meta-analysis of their associations with child adjustment. Child Development. 2008. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-8624.2008.01235.x
12. Lansford, J. E. Parental divorce and children's adjustment. Perspectives on Psychological Science. 2009. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1745-6924.2009.01114.x
13. Wolchik, S. A., Sandler, I. N., Millsap, R. E., and colleagues. Six-year follow-up of preventive interventions for children of divorce: A randomized controlled trial. JAMA. 2002. https://doi.org/10.1001/jama.288.15.1874
14. Weissman, M. M., and colleagues. Remissions in maternal depression and child psychopathology: A STAR*D-Child report. JAMA. 2006. https://doi.org/10.1001/jama.295.12.1389
15. Goodman, S. H., and colleagues. Maternal depression and child psychopathology: A meta-analytic review. Clinical Child and Family Psychology Review. 2011. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10567-010-0080-1
16. Harold, G., Acquah, D., Sellers, R., Chowdry, H., and Feinstein, L. (Early Intervention Foundation). What works to enhance inter-parental relationships and improve outcomes for children. 2016. gov.uk

This guide is general information for parents, not medical, psychological or legal advice. It draws on published research and guidance from recognised health and family justice bodies, listed under Sources. Every child and family is different. If you are worried about your child or yourself, talk to your family doctor or a qualified professional. FairWell can help you find one through the professional directory.