Regression, bedwetting, sleep problems and clinginess after separation

Your five-year-old, who has been dry at night for a year, is wetting the bed again. Your toddler screams at every handover. Your seven-year-old wants to sleep in your bed and talks in a baby voice. If this is happening in your home, you are not doing something wrong. Children often go backwards for a while when their world changes. This guide explains why, what helps, and when to get it checked.

Why children regress

When children are stressed, skills they have only recently learned are often the first to slip: staying dry, sleeping alone, settling without help, managing a goodbye. Going backwards is a way of asking for the closeness and care they had when they were younger. It usually passes as life becomes predictable again.

The Canadian Paediatric Society describes a younger child who "might ask for a pacifier" after a separation, and says such reactions are normal "and should get better over time." Justice Canada lists temporary setbacks among common reactions in babies and toddlers, setbacks such as toileting accidents in preschoolers, and regression in children aged 6 to 8. The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, writing about children grieving a death, notes that children "may temporarily become more infantile", including bedwetting. A separation is a different kind of loss, but the pattern of going backwards under strain is similar.

What you might see, by age

• Babies and toddlers (0 to 2): changes in sleeping, eating or toilet training; clinginess or withdrawal; more crying, irritability and tantrums (Justice Canada).
• Preschoolers (3 to 5): toileting accidents, clinginess, fear of being abandoned, more tantrums, wanting a pacifier again, headaches or stomach aches (Justice Canada; Canadian Paediatric Society).
• Ages 6 to 8: acting younger than their age, physical complaints, difficulty playing and having fun (Justice Canada).
• Older children and teenagers: regression is less common, but sleep problems are not. Justice Canada lists sleep changes among teenagers' reactions. Sleeping much more or much less can also be a sign of low mood (see when to get help, below).

Bedwetting

Bedwetting is very common in young children in general, separation or not. The Canadian Paediatric Society says: "Most children, but not all, stop bedwetting between the ages of 5 and 6 years old." It reports that 15 percent of 5-year-olds and 5 percent of 10-year-olds wet the bed. So a 4- or 5-year-old who is still wet at night is usually within the normal range.

It is different when a child who was dry starts wetting again. The Canadian Paediatric Society advises talking to a health care provider if a child "has been dry overnight for at least 6 months and starts to wet the bed again". Stress may be the reason, but there can be physical causes too, and only a check-up can rule them out.

How to respond

• Stay matter-of-fact. Change the sheets, offer a hug, and go back to bed. Your child is not doing it on purpose and usually feels embarrassed already.
• Never punish, shame or tease, and ask siblings and relatives not to either.
• Make it easy at night. A waterproof mattress cover, spare pyjamas and a night light in both homes.
• Agree on the same approach in both homes if you can. A child who is reassured in one house and scolded in the other will feel worse in both.
• Keep it private. Plan ahead for sleepovers and camps so your child is not embarrassed.

Sleep problems

Bedtime is when worries surface. The lights go off, the house is quiet, and a child has time to miss the other parent or wonder what happens next. Night waking, trouble falling asleep and bad dreams can all show up after a big change.

What helps

• Keep bedtime routines as similar as you can in both homes. AFCC-Ontario's parenting plan guide notes that young children need consistent sleep and feeding schedules in both homes. Justice Canada says routines do not have to be identical, "but the more predictability there is for children, the easier things will be for them."
• Let comfort objects travel. AFCC-Ontario recommends that transitional objects such as a favourite toy or blanket move between homes with preschoolers, and that children's belongings go with them "regardless of which parent purchased them."
• Build in a worry window before lights out. Ten minutes of talk, a story or a cuddle gives worries somewhere to go before bed.
• Help them picture the week. A simple calendar by the bed with a picture for each home helps young children know where they will wake up and when they will see each parent.
• Keep goodnight calls short and predictable, if the other parent calls at bedtime. AFCC-Ontario notes that young children can get restless with calls that go on too long, and that hearing a parent's voice comforts some children and upsets others. Watch which is true for yours.
• Think before changing sleeping arrangements. Bringing a frightened child into your bed for a night is a natural response. If it becomes every night, ask yourself whether it is meeting your child's needs or yours, and whether it is something you can keep up. For babies, follow the safe sleep advice of your health care provider.

Clinginess and tears at handovers

Many children cry, cling or protest when moving between homes, even when they love both parents and are happy once they arrive. AFCC-Ontario says protest at exchanges is normal for toddlers and is not a sign that they are rejecting a parent. AFCC's Massachusetts chapter makes the same point: "Resistance to exchanges is normal for many children. This behavior does not necessarily mean that the other parent is not a good parent." Preschoolers may be upset at the moment of transition "yet once there become settled and happy."

What helps

• The parent the child is with takes them to the other parent, where practical. AFCC-Ontario explains that this "signals parental support for the transition and lessens the child's sense of being interrupted and taken away from a parent."
• Give advance notice so the change is not a surprise: "After lunch, Dad's coming to pick you up."
• Keep goodbyes short, warm and the same every time. A special hug, a phrase, a wave from the window.
• Show your child you are okay with them going. Your face and tone matter more than your words.
• Do not linger or come back for one more goodbye. It usually prolongs the distress.
• Use school or daycare for handovers where you can, so the child moves from one routine to another.

More on this in handovers without tears.

If there is family violence: in-person handovers may not be safe. Consider exchanges at school, a supervised exchange service or a trusted third party. Read safety planning during separation. Press Shift+Esc to leave this site quickly.

Giving extra closeness without losing the routine

A regressing child is asking for more of you. It is fine to give it: more cuddles, more one-on-one time, more patience with the bedtime routine. At the same time, keep the usual expectations gently in place. You can comfort a child who wants to be carried and still expect them to walk to the car most days.

Your own stress matters here. The Harvard Center on the Developing Child explains that the back-and-forth responsiveness between a young child and a caring adult ("serve and return") helps build the brain, and that significant stress can make that kind of responsive care harder. If you are exhausted, getting support for yourself is part of helping your child settle. See anxiety, panic and sleeplessness during separation.

What the research says

• Regression after separation, such as asking for a pacifier again, is a normal reaction that should improve over time (Canadian Paediatric Society, 2018).
• Sleep problems are common in children generally, and somewhat more common among children whose parents have separated. In a 2015 Swedish national survey of 147,839 children aged 12 and 15, 13 percent of children in two-parent families reported sleeping problems often or always, compared with 14 percent in joint physical custody and 19 to 22 percent of those living mostly or only with one parent (Bergström and colleagues). The survey was a snapshot and cannot show what caused the differences.
• Bedwetting is common in young children: 15 percent at age 5 and 5 percent at age 10. A child who has been dry for at least six months and starts wetting again should be seen by a health care provider (Canadian Paediatric Society, 2022).
• Children as young as 6 months show physical signs of distress, such as a raised heart rate, during hostile arguments between parents, and children up to age 5 may cry, freeze or act out (Early Intervention Foundation review, UK, 2016). That is one more reason to keep conflict well away from young children, including at bedtime and handovers.
• Protest at handovers is normal for toddlers and does not mean a child is rejecting a parent (AFCC-Ontario, 2020; AFCC Massachusetts Chapter).

When to get help

Talk to your doctor or a children's mental health professional if:

• a child who has been dry at night for six months or more starts wetting again (to rule out physical causes)
• your child is acting much younger for an extended period, which the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry lists among signs a grieving child needs help
• sleep problems last for weeks, get worse, or leave your child exhausted at school
• clinginess becomes intense fear of being apart from you that stops your child going to school or doing normal activities
• setbacks come with other signs, such as persistent sadness, anxiety, changes in eating or aggressive behaviour (Canadian Paediatric Society)

See signs your child is struggling, by age and helping an anxious child through separation.

For most children, these steps backwards are temporary, and they ease as life becomes predictable again. The patience you show at 3 a.m., changing sheets without a word of blame, is part of what makes that happen.

Sources

1. Canadian Paediatric Society. Helping children cope with separation and divorce. 2018. https://caringforkids.cps.ca/handouts/mentalhealth/separation_and_divorce
2. Bergström, M., Fransson, E., Modin, B., Berlin, M., Gustafsson, P. A., and Hjern, A. Fifty moves a year: Is there an association between joint physical custody and psychosomatic problems in children? Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health, 69(8). 2015. https://doi.org/10.1136/jech-2014-205058
3. Canadian Paediatric Society. Bedwetting. 2022. https://caringforkids.cps.ca/handouts/health-conditions-and-treatments/bedwetting
4. Department of Justice Canada. How children react at different ages and stages. 2024. https://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/hcrdas-refasd.html
5. American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. Grief and Children, Facts for Families No. 8. 2023. aacap.org
6. AFCC-Ontario. Parenting Plan Guide. 2020. afccnet.org
7. AFCC Massachusetts Chapter. Planning for Shared Parenting: A Guide for Parents Living Apart. Undated. https://www.afccnet.org/Portals/0/PDF/afccsharedparenting1.pdf
8. Center on the Developing Child, Harvard University. Serve and Return. Undated. https://developingchild.harvard.edu/key-concept/serve-and-return/
9. Harold, G., Acquah, D., Sellers, R., Chowdry, H., and Feinstein, L. (Early Intervention Foundation). What works to enhance inter-parental relationships and improve outcomes for children. 2016. gov.uk

This guide is general information for parents, not medical, psychological or legal advice. It draws on published research and guidance from recognised health and family justice bodies, listed under Sources. Every child and family is different. If you are worried about your child or yourself, talk to your family doctor or a qualified professional. FairWell can help you find one through the professional directory.