Babies and toddlers (0 to 2) and separation: what they need from you

If your child is under 3, you may be wondering whether there is anything to tell them at all. There is very little to say in words. But there is a great deal you can do, because at this age the message is carried by care: who feeds them, how bedtime goes, whether the adults around them are calm, and whether the people they love keep coming back.

This guide covers what babies and toddlers experience, what they need through the change, what to say to a toddler, how to make handovers easier, and the honest state of expert opinion on overnights. If you are separating during pregnancy or with a newborn, see also separating while pregnant or with a newborn.

A note on safety. If there has been family violence, or you are afraid of the other parent, shared handovers and joint planning may not be safe. Read separation and safety planning, and ask about supervised or third-party exchanges. Press Shift+Esc to leave this site quickly.

What babies and toddlers understand and feel

Justice Canada's guidance for parents of children from birth to 2 puts it plainly: babies won't understand separation, "But they will feel it when you're upset or in conflict, and they will react to this." It adds: "just because your child doesn't understand the words, doesn't mean that conflict won't affect them."

The research backs this up. A 2016 review of international evidence for the UK government by the Early Intervention Foundation found that "children as young as 6 months evidence higher physiological symptoms of distress such as elevated heart rate in response to overt, hostile exchanges between their parents," and that infants and children up to 5 "show signs of significant distress by crying, acting out, freezing, as well as withdrawing from or attempting to intervene" in the conflict.

What very young children do not need is an explanation. What they need is for their world to stay predictable and warm while the adults rearrange it.

What they need most

Predictable routines

Justice Canada says children this age need "predictable caregiving and routines." The routines do not have to be identical in each home, "but the more predictability there is for children, the easier things will be for them." The Ontario chapter of the Association of Family and Conciliation Courts (AFCC-Ontario) adds that young children need consistent sleep and feeding schedules in both homes.

In practice, agree the basics with the other parent: nap times, bedtime, the bedtime sequence (bath, book, song), feeding times and what they eat, and how you each respond to night waking. Small details matter more than you might expect. The same song, the same sleep bag and the same words at lights out are a portable piece of home.

Warm, responsive care from each parent

The Harvard Center on the Developing Child describes "serve and return": "When an infant or young child babbles, gestures, or cries, and an adult responds with eye contact, words, or a hug," those exchanges help build the architecture of the developing brain. This is ordinary parenting: answering the babble, naming what they point at, picking them up when they cry. It is also the thing that stress makes harder. The same Harvard page notes that significant stress, such as financial pressure or a lack of social connection, "can make responsive caregiving more difficult."

That is why looking after yourself is not a luxury at this age. It is part of looking after your baby.

Protection from conflict

Keep arguments, tense phone calls and angry conversations completely away from your child, including when you think they are too young to notice. They are not too young. The evidence above shows babies react physically to hostile exchanges.

A relationship with both parents

Justice Canada advises parents of every age group to support the child's relationship with the other parent. An expert group convened through the AFCC (Pruett, McIntosh and Kelly, 2014) describes the goal as a "triadic secure base", in which each parent supports the child's secure attachment with the other. For a baby, that can be as simple as saying the other parent's name warmly, keeping their photo nearby, and handing over without hesitation.

Change introduced slowly

Justice Canada advises introducing changes "as gradually as possible." If you can, avoid stacking changes: a new home, a new daycare, weaning and a new schedule in the same month is a lot for a small child.

What to say to a toddler

Once your toddler is understanding words, even if they cannot say much back, give them a few simple ones for what is happening. Keep it short, concrete and repeated, and use the same words every time.

These examples say "Mommy" and "Daddy". Use whatever names your child uses for each of you: Mama and Mom, Papa and Dad, or something else entirely.

A few things that help toddlers make sense of two homes:

• A photo book. A simple book with pictures of both homes, both parents, their bed in each place and the people they see. Read it like any other book.
• A comfort object that travels. AFCC-Ontario notes that transitional objects, such as a favourite toy or blanket, moving between homes help young children. Let it go back and forth, regardless of who bought it.
• Counting in sleeps. Toddlers cannot read a calendar, but "two sleeps" is understandable.
• Talking about the other parent warmly. "Daddy loves you" said calmly does more than any explanation.

Handovers that feel safe

Handovers are where very young children most often show distress, and where parents most often misread it. AFCC-Ontario's guide notes that for toddlers, protest at exchanges "is normal" and is not a sign of rejecting a parent. An earlier AFCC guide from Massachusetts makes the same point: "Resistance to exchanges is normal for many children. This behavior does not necessarily mean that the other parent is not a good parent."

What helps, based on professional guidance:

• The parent the child is with does the drop-off. AFCC-Ontario explains that bringing the child to the other parent, rather than having them collected, "signals parental support for the transition and lessens the child's sense of being interrupted and taken away from a parent."
• Use natural transition points. Justice Canada suggests transitions can be easier "if they take place at a natural point in their schedule", such as one parent dropping off at daycare and the other picking up.
• Keep it brief and warm. A cheerful goodbye, a hug, and go. Lingering, or showing your own distress, makes it harder.
• Use a third person if exchanges are tense. AFCC-Ontario suggests a grandparent or another trusted adult can do the handover.
• Send a short note with the child. A guide from the Arizona chapter of the AFCC describes a notebook that travels with the child, with suggested contents for infants. Useful things to note include sleep, feeding, nappies or diapers, new words and anything that is unsettling them. Keep it factual and child-focused, never a place for complaints.

Overnights: what experts agree on and where they differ

Few questions in family law cause more worry for parents of babies than overnights. The honest answer is that expert opinion is divided, and the research base is thin.

• Where experts broadly agree. An AFCC expert group (Pruett, McIntosh and Kelly, 2014) concluded that attachment and early involvement of both parents are "mutually attainable and mutually reinforcing rather than exclusive choices", and that "Cautions against overnight care during the first three years are not supported." A 2014 consensus report by Warshak, which its author says was endorsed by 110 researchers and practitioners, states that it found "No compelling evidence" that children under 4 "need or benefit from restrictions with parents who are loving and attentive."
• Where they differ. The same AFCC group added that "the limited available research substantiates some caution about higher frequency overnight schedules with young children, particularly when the child's relationship with a second parent has not been established and/or parents are in frequent conflict to which the child is exposed." An Australian study of national survey data (McIntosh and colleagues, 2011) found that babies under 2 with one or more overnights a week away from their main carer were more irritable and more watchful of that carer, though the groups studied were small and the authors acknowledged limits. The Warshak report challenges how those findings have been interpreted.

What this means for you: there is no research-backed rule that babies cannot spend nights with each parent, and there is reason to build schedules thoughtfully, especially if one parent is new to day-to-day care or if conflict is high. The second part of the AFCC group's work says plans for children under 3 "should foster both developmental security and the health of each parent-child relationship, now and into the future," decided case by case. A mediator, parenting coordinator or child development professional can help you design a schedule that grows with your child. Our guide to custody and parenting time explains the legal terms.

What to do tonight

• Write down your child's current routine in detail (times, foods, comfort items, the bedtime sequence) and share it with the other parent.
• Choose the comfort object that will travel, and buy a duplicate if you can.
• Print a few photos of both parents and both homes for a simple book.
• Agree that neither of you will argue in front of your child, even briefly, even if they seem asleep or busy.
• Tell one person in your life how you are really doing.

Signs to watch for

Justice Canada lists what parents of children under 3 may see: problems with sleeping, eating or toilet training; temporary setbacks in skills; clinginess or withdrawal; and crying, irritability and tantrums. These are common, usually short-lived responses to change, especially in the first weeks of a new arrangement.

Talk to your family doctor, paediatrician or public health nurse if:

• the changes continue for weeks or are getting worse (the Canadian Paediatric Society's advice for children of any age is: "If the behaviour continues or worsens, speak to your doctor");
• your baby is feeding poorly or you are worried about growth;
• your toddler loses skills they had and does not regain them;
• your child seems unusually flat, withdrawn or hard to comfort with either parent.

And watch yourself too. If you are low, anxious or not sleeping for weeks on end, see a doctor or counsellor. A review of 193 studies (Goodman and colleagues, 2011) found that a mother's depression was linked to more problems in children, "with all associations small in magnitude", which is a reason to get help, not a reason for guilt. Getting help also works in your child's favour: in a 2006 US study, when mothers' depression lifted with treatment, their children's diagnoses fell (Weissman and colleagues). Our wellbeing guide is a starting point, and the professional directory lists family therapists and parenting coordinators.

What the research says

• Babies react physically to hostile conflict between parents from as young as 6 months, and children under 5 can be visibly distressed by it (Early Intervention Foundation review, 2016, UK and international studies).
• Responsive, back-and-forth care builds the developing brain, and stress on the parent makes that care harder (Harvard Center on the Developing Child).
• A supportive adult relationship is what helps children's bodies recover from hard experiences. Harvard describes stress that is time-limited and "buffered by relationships with adults who help the child adapt" as tolerable. Separation itself is not toxic stress; ongoing, unbuffered adversity is.
• Overnights for under-3s are contested. Expert groups agree blanket bans are not supported by evidence, and differ on how cautious to be with frequent overnights when conflict is high or a relationship is still being built (Pruett, McIntosh and Kelly, 2014; Warshak, US, 2014 and 2017; McIntosh and colleagues, Australia, 2011).

None of this asks you to be a perfect parent through the hardest year of your life. It asks for ordinary things, repeated: the same song at bedtime, a calm goodbye at the door, a parent who answers the babble. Those small moments are what responsive care looks like, and they are within your reach even on hard days.

Sources

1. Department of Justice Canada. How children react at different ages and stages. 2024. https://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/hcrdas-refasd.html
2. Department of Justice Canada. Making Plans: A guide to parenting arrangements after separation or divorce. 2026. https://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/mp-fdp/index.html
3. Harold, G., Acquah, D., Sellers, R., Chowdry, H., and Feinstein, L. What works to enhance inter-parental relationships and improve outcomes for children. Early Intervention Foundation. 2016. https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/what-works-to-enhance-inter-parental-relationships-and-improve-outcomes-for-children
4. Center on the Developing Child, Harvard University. Serve and Return. Undated. https://developingchild.harvard.edu/key-concept/serve-and-return/
5. Center on the Developing Child, Harvard University. Toxic Stress. Undated. https://developingchild.harvard.edu/key-concept/toxic-stress/
6. AFCC-Ontario. Parenting Plan Guide. 2020. https://www.afccnet.org/Portals/0/PDF/AFCC-O-Parenting-Plan-Guide%20(Jan%202020)1.pdf
7. Massachusetts Chapter, Association of Family and Conciliation Courts. Planning for Shared Parenting: A Guide for Parents Living Apart. About 2004. https://www.afccnet.org/Portals/0/PDF/afccsharedparenting1.pdf
8. Arizona Chapter, Association of Family and Conciliation Courts. Co-Parenting Communication Guide. 2011. https://www.afccnet.org/Portals/0/PDF/AzAFCC%20Coparenting%20Communication%20Guide-web.pdf
9. Pruett, M. K., McIntosh, J. E., and Kelly, J. B. Parental separation and overnight care of young children, Part I: Consensus through theoretical and empirical integration. Family Court Review, 52(2). 2014. https://doi.org/10.1111/fcre.12087
10. McIntosh, J. E., Pruett, M. K., and Kelly, J. B. Parental separation and overnight care of young children, Part II: Putting theory into practice. Family Court Review, 52(2). 2014. https://doi.org/10.1111/fcre.12088
11. McIntosh, J., Smyth, B., Kelaher, M., Wells, Y., and Long, C. Post-separation parenting arrangements: Patterns and developmental outcomes. Family Matters, 86. Australian Institute of Family Studies. 2011. https://aifs.gov.au/publications/family-matters/issue-86/post-separation-parenting-arrangements
12. Warshak, R. A. Social science and parenting plans for young children: A consensus report. Psychology, Public Policy, and Law, 20(1). 2014. https://doi.org/10.1037/law0000005
13. Warshak, R. A. Stemming the tide of misinformation: International consensus on shared parenting and overnighting. Journal of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, 30. 2017. https://www.kslegislature.gov/li_2018/b2017_18/committees/ctte_s_jud_1/documents/testimony/20180130_10.pdf
14. Canadian Paediatric Society. Helping children cope with separation and divorce (Caring for Kids). 2018. https://caringforkids.cps.ca/handouts/mentalhealth/separation_and_divorce
15. Goodman, S. H., Rouse, M. H., Connell, A. M., Broth, M. R., Hall, C. M., and Heyward, D. Maternal depression and child psychopathology: A meta-analytic review. Clinical Child and Family Psychology Review, 14(1). 2011. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10567-010-0080-1
16. Weissman, M. M., Pilowsky, D. J., Wickramaratne, P. J., et al. Remissions in maternal depression and child psychopathology: A STAR*D-Child report. JAMA, 295(12). 2006. https://doi.org/10.1001/jama.295.12.1389

This guide is general information for parents, not medical, psychological or legal advice. It draws on published research and guidance from recognised health and family justice bodies, listed under Sources. Every child and family is different. If you are worried about your child or yourself, talk to your family doctor or a qualified professional. FairWell can help you find one through the professional directory.