How to tell your children you are separating: a step-by-step plan

Most parents carry this conversation around for weeks before it happens. You may be rehearsing it in the shower, or putting it off because saying it out loud makes it real. You do not need perfect words. You need a plan, a few true sentences, and the patience to repeat them many times over the months ahead.

This guide is the plan. It covers what to settle before you sit down, how to run the conversation itself, what children commonly do next, and what the first few weeks should look like. For what to say at each age, see the companion guides for babies and toddlers, preschoolers, 6 to 8 year olds, 9 to 12 year olds and teenagers.

A note on safety. If there has been family violence, or you are afraid of the other parent, telling the children together may not be safe, and nothing in this guide asks you to try. Read separation and safety planning first. Press Shift+Esc to leave this site quickly.

What your children need to take away

Children will forget most of what you say in the first conversation. Aim for them to leave with four messages, because these are the ones professional bodies in both countries return to again and again:

1. It is not your fault. The Canadian Paediatric Society advises parents to "be very clear that they are not the cause of the separation", and to explain that there was nothing they could have done to prevent it and "nothing they (or others) can do to change it."
2. Both of us still love you, and we are both still your parents.
3. You do not have to choose, and you do not have to look after us. Justice Canada suggests the words: "You don't need to choose between us. It's O.K. to love both of us," and "You don't need to take care of us. We're adults and it's our job to take care of you."
4. Here is what happens next. Concrete details about their own days calm children more than general reassurance.

Justice Canada adds a rule worth keeping in front of you: "If a statement on this list isn't true in your case, don't say it." Children remember promises. Only make the ones you can keep.

Before the conversation: what to settle first

1. Agree one story

Children cope better with one calm account than with two competing ones. With the other parent, agree a single sentence about why, with no blame in it. For example: "We have tried for a long time to fix our problems, and we can't. We have decided to live in two homes." It is true without being a confession, and it does not cast either of you as the cause.

Agree, too, what you will not discuss. Justice Canada's guidance is clear that "no matter what age your children are, they don't need to know the details about why the relationship ended," and lists what to keep to yourselves: money problems, an affair, your conflict, blame, and "negative things about the other parent."

2. Know the answers to their practical questions

Children's first questions are usually about their own lives. A guide for parents from the Association of Family and Conciliation Courts (AFCC) notes that children benefit from knowing "where they will live and go to school, when they will be seeing grandparents, where they will spend holidays, and what will happen to their things." Before you talk, try to be able to answer:

• Who is moving out, and when?
• Where will I sleep this week, and next week?
• Will I change schools? Can I still see my friends?
• What happens to my room, my things, the dog?
• When will I see the parent who is moving?

If some answers are not decided, say so honestly and tell them when you will know. A rough first schedule helps a great deal here; FairWell's parenting plan builder can help you sketch one before the conversation, even if it changes later.

3. Decide who will be in the room

Tell the children together if you can. The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry (AACAP) advises: "Tell your child together with your spouse if possible." Justice Canada says the same, and adds that it is better to tell them separately if there is conflict you cannot put aside, or if "there are safety issues and concerns."

If you have more than one child, it usually works best to tell them all together, so nobody carries a secret or hears it second-hand, and then make time with each child alone afterwards. The Canadian Paediatric Society recommends spending "quality time alone with each child" through the separation.

If the other parent will not take part, or has already left, tell the children yourself using the same principles. Say nothing negative about their absence: "Dad and I have decided to live apart. He loves you, and he will talk to you about it too."

4. Choose the time and place

AACAP's advice is: "Do not keep it a secret or wait until the last minute." Children who find out by watching a parent pack, or by overhearing a phone call, lose the chance to hear it calmly from you. At the same time, do not tell them before the decision is firm. Telling children and then changing course adds confusion.

In practice, choose a moment some days before anything visible changes, at home, with time afterwards. Avoid the hour before school, bedtime, a birthday or a holiday. A weekend morning gives everyone the rest of the day to absorb it, with you nearby.

5. Look after your own state

Children read your face before they hear your words. You do not need to hide that you are sad; you do need to be steady enough that they do not feel responsible for you. If you are likely to cry hard or become angry, practise the words beforehand with a friend or counsellor, and agree with the other parent who will speak first.

The conversation itself

Keep it short. Ten minutes of talking is plenty; the rest is listening. A simple structure:

Open calmly and say it plainly

Say it is not their fault

Say what stays the same

Say what changes, concretely

Name the feelings and give permission

AACAP advises parents to "admit that this will be sad and upsetting for everyone."

Invite questions, and stop talking

AACAP's guidance is to "keep things simple and straight-forward and don't share more information than your child is asking for." Answer the question asked, check whether that was what they meant, and let silence sit. Our guide to the questions children ask has honest answers by age.

How children react, and what to do

There is no correct reaction. Some common ones:

• Tears. Sit close. You do not need to fix it. "I know. It's really sad."
• Anger. Let it be said without arguing back. "You're angry with us. That makes sense. I can hear it." Set a limit only if it becomes hurtful or physical.
• Practical questions straight away. "Can I still go to soccer?" This is a child finding the part they can hold. Answer it.
• Apparent indifference. "Okay. Can I go and play now?" This is common and not a sign the news did not land. Let them go, and stay available.
• Bargaining. "If I'm really good, will you stay?" Answer gently and firmly that it is not about them and will not change.

Many children react later, sometimes weeks later, at bedtime or in the car. That is normal too.

What to do tonight

• Keep the evening ordinary: a normal dinner, the usual bedtime routine, the usual stories.
• Check in once at bedtime, briefly: "Is there anything you've been thinking about since we talked?" Then let it rest.
• Agree with the other parent to message each other with anything the children ask, so your answers stay consistent.
• Do not ask the children what they think of the other parent, or how the other parent seemed.
• Look after yourself after they are asleep. Call a friend. You have done something hard.

The weeks afterwards

Justice Canada puts it simply: "This will not be a one-time conversation." Expect the same questions again and again. Repeating the same calm answer is how children check that it still holds.

• Keep routines steady. The Canadian Paediatric Society advises: "Keep routines as normal as possible."
• Tell the adults around them. The Canadian Paediatric Society suggests letting teachers, child care providers and coaches know what is happening so they can watch for signs your child is struggling. Ask the school not to discuss it with your child unless your child raises it.
• Keep them out of the middle. Talk to the other parent directly. The Canadian Paediatric Society is explicit: "don't expect children to act as messengers." See keeping children out of the middle.
• Let them enjoy the other home. "Don't suggest with words or actions that your child is disloyal if they enjoy the time away from you" (Canadian Paediatric Society).
• Be honest about your own feelings in small doses. If a child asks how you are, Justice Canada offers: "I'm sad right now, but that's normal and I'll get through this. You don't need to worry."

If you did not want the separation, the conversation can feel like being asked to defend a decision you did not make. You can still give children the same calm message; our guide for when you didn't want the separation covers the rest.

If a child tells you something worrying

Occasionally a child uses this moment to tell you something frightening about home. If a child says they have been hurt or are afraid, stay calm, listen, tell them you believe them and that telling you was right, and do not question them in detail. Contact your local child protection agency (in Canada, your children's aid society or provincial child welfare agency; in the US, your state's child protective services), or your child's doctor. The Canadian Paediatric Society advises parents in this situation to find a safe place and contact the doctor or the local child welfare agency. If anyone is in immediate danger, call 911.

What the research says

• Conflict matters more than the separation itself. The first large meta-analysis of children and divorce (Amato and Keith, 1991, 92 mostly US studies) found that differences between children of divorced and married parents were small on average, and that the explanation with "the most consistent support" was family conflict. A 2002 review for Justice Canada described anger-based conflict between parents as "a strong predictor, and risk factor, of child maladjustment regardless of the family type." Newer work points the same way: a 2018 UK evidence review (Harold and Sellers) found that children are affected by how parents handle conflict, "ranging from silence to violence", whether their parents live together or apart.
• Feeling caught is what hurts. In a study of 522 Californian young people aged 10 to 18, four and a half years after their parents separated (Buchanan, Maccoby and Dornbusch, 1991), conflict between parents affected adjustment mainly through how caught in the middle they felt. Closeness to both parents and parents' cooperation were linked to feeling less caught. This is why one agreed, blame-free story matters.
• Most children adjust. A review of risk and resilience research (Kelly and Emery, 2003) describes "the resiliency demonstrated by the majority of children." The American Academy of Pediatrics' parent site notes that many children have short-term, painful feelings and "bounce back within 2 to 3 years after the separation." In one US sample of 12 to 16 year olds from 1993, summarised by Justice Canada, children from divorced families were about twice as likely to receive psychological help (21 percent versus 11 percent), and 79 percent coped without it.

The practical message: how you tell them, and how you behave towards each other afterwards, are things you control, and they are among the things that matter most.

When to get more help

Sadness, anger, clinginess and sleep changes in the first weeks are expected. The Canadian Paediatric Society lists signs of more serious trouble: anxiety, sadness and depression, changes in eating or sleep, trouble at school and aggressive behaviour, and advises: "If the behaviour continues or worsens, speak to your doctor." See signs your child is struggling for more detail by age. A child and family therapist can also help you plan the conversation itself if you are stuck.

You will not get every word right, and you do not need to. What matters most is less the first conversation than the months that follow: the same calm answers, routines that hold, and two parents who keep their children out of the middle. That part is yours to give, one ordinary day at a time.

Sources

1. Department of Justice Canada. Making plans: A guide to parenting arrangements after separation or divorce, Section 2: What your children may be feeling. 2025. https://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/mp-fdp/p3.html
2. Canadian Paediatric Society. Helping children cope with separation and divorce (Caring for Kids). 2018. https://caringforkids.cps.ca/handouts/mentalhealth/separation_and_divorce
3. American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. Children and Divorce (Facts for Families No. 1). Updated 2026. https://www.aacap.org/AACAP/Families_and_Youth/Facts_for_Families/FFF-Guide/Children-and-Divorce-001.aspx
4. Association of Family and Conciliation Courts. Making Your Parenting Plan Work. 2003 revision. https://www.afccnet.org/Resource-Center/Family-Resources/Making-your-Parenting-Plan-Work
5. Amato, P. R., and Keith, B. Parental divorce and the well-being of children: A meta-analysis. Psychological Bulletin, 110(1). 1991. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.110.1.26
6. Bernardini, S. C., and Jenkins, J. M. An Overview of the Risks and Protectors for Children of Separation and Divorce. Department of Justice Canada. 2002. https://justice.gc.ca/eng/rp-pr/fl-lf/divorce/2002_2/p2.html
7. Buchanan, C. M., Maccoby, E. E., and Dornbusch, S. M. Caught between parents: Adolescents' experience in divorced homes. Child Development, 62(5). 1991. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-8624.1991.tb01586.x
8. Harold, G. T., and Sellers, R. Annual Research Review: Interparental conflict and youth psychopathology: an evidence review and practice focused update. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 59(4). 2018. https://doi.org/10.1111/jcpp.12893
9. Kelly, J. B., and Emery, R. E. Children's adjustment following divorce: Risk and resilience perspectives. Family Relations, 52(4). 2003. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3729.2003.00352.x
10. American Academy of Pediatrics, HealthyChildren.org. How to Support Children after Their Parents Separate or Divorce. 2020. https://www.healthychildren.org/English/healthy-living/emotional-wellness/Building-Resilience/Pages/How-to-Support-Children-after-Parents-Separate-or-Divorce.aspx

This guide is general information for parents, not medical, psychological or legal advice. It draws on published research and guidance from recognised health and family justice bodies, listed under Sources. Every child and family is different. If you are worried about your child or yourself, talk to your family doctor or a qualified professional. FairWell can help you find one through the professional directory.