When a child refuses to go to the other parent's home

Few things are more painful for a separated parent than a child who will not come, or will not go. If your child is refusing to go to their other parent's home, you may be frightened, angry, confused or all three, and you may already have a theory about why. This guide sets out what the evidence says about why children resist contact, why one popular explanation is hotly disputed, and what each parent can do while getting the right help. It does not take sides, because the right answer depends on facts only a professional can assess.

If your child has told you they are afraid of being hurt, or you believe they are being harmed: keep them safe, do not question them in detail, and contact your local child protection agency (in Canada, a children's aid society or the provincial or territorial child welfare agency; in the US, your state's child protective services) or the police. If anyone is in immediate danger, call 911. Read safety planning during separation. Press Shift+Esc to leave this site quickly.

Reluctance is common. Refusal is less so.

Many children protest at handovers. AFCC-Ontario's parenting plan guide says protest at exchanges is normal for toddlers and is not a sign that they are rejecting a parent. AFCC's Massachusetts chapter says: "Resistance to exchanges is normal for many children. This behavior does not necessarily mean that the other parent is not a good parent." Many children are upset at the door and happy ten minutes later.

Firm, lasting refusal is different. The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry says: "In rare situations, a child may reject contact with one parent. This may happen for no apparent reason or with the encouragement of the other parent. This can be harmful and painful for the child and the rejected parent." A 2003 US study by Johnston of 215 children from family courts and the community, two to three years after separation, found children's attitudes toward each parent ranged from positive to negative, "with relatively few being extremely aligned or rejecting."

The many reasons children resist

There are many possible causes, which is why some professional guidance uses the more neutral language of resist and refuse. The Association of Family and Conciliation Courts (AFCC), in its 2022 guidelines for parenting plan evaluations, says evaluators should understand "parent-child contact problems and resist-refuse dynamics, including possible underlying causes such as parental alienating behaviors, compromised parenting, child maltreatment, and exposure to intimate partner violence, among other causes." A 2001 article by Joan Kelly and Johnston distinguished children who resist contact "for a variety of normal, expectable reasons, including estrangement" from children who are alienated.

Possible reasons include:

• Normal preferences and practicalities. A teenager whose friends, job and sports are near one home. A child who dislikes the long drive, sharing a room, or the rules in one house.
• Separation anxiety or general anxiety, especially in younger children, or a child who worries about the parent left behind.
• A strained relationship with the resisted parent, for example after harsh, unpredictable or uninvolved parenting, or after a parent's own behaviour around the separation. Kelly and Johnston call this estrangement.
• Something at the other home, such as conflict with a new partner or step-siblings.
• Loyalty pressure. A child who senses one parent's sadness or anger about the other may side with that parent to ease their own discomfort.
• Alienating behaviour by a parent, such as running the other parent down, making the child feel disloyal for enjoying time there, or interfering with contact.
• Fear because of abuse, neglect or family violence, including violence the child has seen between adults.

Johnston's 2003 study found that rejection of a parent "has multiple determinants, with both the aligned and rejected parents contributing to the problem, in addition to vulnerabilities within children themselves." Kelly and Johnston also list intense conflict, a humiliating separation, parents' personalities and behaviour, long court battles and "professional mismanagement" as contributing factors. In real families, more than one reason is usually at work.

Why "parental alienation" is contested

You may have come across the term "parental alienation" online, from friends or in court. You should know that it is one of the most disputed ideas in family law and child mental health. Here is where the main bodies of opinion stand, as fairly as we can put it.

• Alienating behaviour can happen and can harm children. AACAP notes that a child may reject a parent "with the encouragement of the other parent," and that this can be harmful. AFCC's evaluation guidelines list "parental alienating behaviors" among the possible causes evaluators must consider. A 2010 review by Fidler and Bala, both based in Canada, recommends early identification and intervention.
• It is often claimed where it is not the explanation. Fidler and Bala found that "A significant portion of the cases in which alienation is alleged are not in fact alienation cases," and described the "strongly gendered polemic on alienation and abuse" as polarizing.
• There are serious concerns about how the claim is used when abuse is alleged. A 2020 study by Meier of ten years of published US court decisions found that "mothers' claims of abuse, especially child physical or sexual abuse, increase their risk of losing custody, and that fathers' cross-claims of alienation virtually double that risk." In cases without abuse claims, alienation claims had "a more gender-neutral impact." The study has been criticized by researchers who study alienation, so treat it as one side of an ongoing debate.
• The World Health Organization does not treat it as a diagnosis. WHO decided "not to include the concept and terminology of 'parental alienation'" in its international classification of diseases (ICD-11), "because it is not a health care term." It removed "parental alienation" and "parental estrangement" from the index, states that "There are no evidence-based health care interventions specifically for parental alienation," and notes concern about "misuse of the term to undermine the credibility of one parent alleging abuse." Such situations can be described as a "caregiver-child relationship problem."

What this means for you: a label will not solve your situation, and using it before the facts are assessed can make things worse. Mothers and fathers can both be the resisted parent, and both can be the parent a child aligns with. What helps is a careful assessment of your particular child by people trained to look at every possible cause, including safety.

What to do first, whichever parent you are

1. Check for safety. If there are any concerns about abuse, neglect or violence, they come first. Follow the steps at the top of this page.
2. Listen to your child without interrogating. Ask open questions once, calmly, and accept what they say. Repeated questioning can distress a child and affect any later investigation. If anything your child says suggests they have been harmed, stop asking and follow the safety steps at the top of this page.
3. Do not make the child the decision-maker. Justice Canada advises listening to teenagers' views but reminding them that parents make the decisions. A child who is asked to choose is put squarely in the middle.
4. Do not blame the other parent in front of the child, even if you believe they are responsible.
5. Keep to any court order or agreement unless you have legal advice. Stopping contact, or forcing a frightened child through the door, can both have serious consequences. Talk to a family lawyer about your options. See custody and parenting time explained.
6. Get professional help early. Fidler and Bala recommend early identification and intervention and an interdisciplinary approach.

If you are the parent your child is refusing to see

• Stay calm and keep showing up. Send short, warm, low-pressure messages. Keep the door open without demanding a response.
• Look honestly at your own part. Johnston found that both parents often contribute. Ask yourself whether anything about your parenting, your new household, or how you have spoken about the other parent may be playing a role. This is not an admission of fault. It is the fastest route to repair.
• Ask what would make it easier. Shorter visits, an activity together, a different handover place, time alone without a new partner.
• Do not punish the child for refusing, and do not ask them to pass on complaints to the other parent.

If your child is refusing to leave your home

• Take your child's feelings seriously, and look carefully at what is behind them.
• Actively support the relationship unless there is a safety concern. The Canadian Paediatric Society advises: "Don't suggest with words or actions that your child is disloyal if they enjoy the time away from you." AFCC-Ontario notes that the parent the child is with taking the child to the other parent signals support for the transition.
• Check what your child is picking up from you. Children often notice their parents' sadness, worry and anger. A child who believes you need them at home may refuse to leave you.
• Keep the time at your home ordinary on days your child should be at the other home, so that staying does not become the more attractive option.

Teenagers

Teenagers' views usually matter more as they get older. Ask a family lawyer how they are treated where you live. Their reasons may be practical (friends, work, school activities) rather than about either parent. Flexible schedules that respect a teenager's life often work better than rigid ones. See how much say teenagers get in parenting plans.

Who can help

• A child and family therapist with experience in resist/refuse cases, ideally one who can work with both parents and the child.
• A parenting coordinator in high-conflict cases, where available.
• A parenting plan evaluator or custody assessor, usually ordered or agreed through the court process, who assesses the family and makes recommendations.
• A family lawyer, for your rights and obligations under any order. See legal aid and low-cost family law help.

Fidler and Bala note that severe cases may not respond to therapy alone and may need the court's involvement. That is a decision for professionals and the court, not something to attempt on your own. You can find verified family therapists and parenting coordinators in the FairWell directory.

Whichever side of the door you are standing on, this is one of the hardest things a parent can live through. Asking for help early is not an admission that you have failed. It is often the most useful thing you can do for your child, and for yourself.

If there is family violence: joint therapy, mediation and in-person handovers may not be safe, and a child's fear may be well founded. Make sure every professional involved knows about the violence. Read safety planning during separation. Press Shift+Esc to leave this site quickly.

What the research says

• Outright rejection of a parent is uncommon (AACAP: "rare"), and in one US study of 215 children relatively few were extremely aligned with one parent or rejecting of the other (Johnston, 2003).
• Rejection usually has several causes, with both parents and the child's own vulnerabilities contributing (Johnston, 2003; Kelly and Johnston, 2001).
• Professional guidelines require evaluators to consider alienating behaviours, compromised parenting, child maltreatment and exposure to intimate partner violence, among other causes (AFCC, 2022).
• Alienation is often alleged where it is not the explanation, and the debate is polarized and gendered (Fidler and Bala, Canada, 2010).
• In published US court decisions, mothers' abuse claims were linked to a higher risk of losing custody, and fathers' alienation cross-claims roughly doubled that risk (Meier, 2020; a contested study).
• The World Health Organization does not recognize "parental alienation" as a health care term and states that there are no evidence-based health care interventions specifically for it (WHO, ICD-11).

Sources

1. American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. Children and Divorce, Facts for Families No. 1. 2026. aacap.org
2. Kelly, J. B., and Johnston, J. R. The alienated child: A reformulation of parental alienation syndrome. Family Court Review. 2001. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.174-1617.2001.tb00609.x
3. Johnston, J. R. Parental alignments and rejection: An empirical study of alienation in children of divorce. Journal of the American Academy of Psychiatry and the Law. 2003. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/12875493/
4. Fidler, B. J., and Bala, N. Children resisting postseparation contact with a parent: Concepts, controversies, and conundrums. Family Court Review. 2010. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1744-1617.2009.01287.x
5. Association of Family and Conciliation Courts. Guidelines for Parenting Plan Evaluations in Family Law Cases. 2022. afccnet.org
6. Meier, J. S. U.S. child custody outcomes in cases involving parental alienation and abuse allegations: What do the data show? Journal of Social Welfare and Family Law. 2020. https://doi.org/10.1080/09649069.2020.1701941
7. World Health Organization. Parental alienation (ICD frequently asked questions). Undated. who.int
8. AFCC-Ontario. Parenting Plan Guide. 2020. afccnet.org
9. AFCC Massachusetts Chapter. Planning for Shared Parenting: A Guide for Parents Living Apart. Undated. https://www.afccnet.org/Portals/0/PDF/afccsharedparenting1.pdf
10. Canadian Paediatric Society. Helping children cope with separation and divorce. 2018. https://caringforkids.cps.ca/handouts/mentalhealth/separation_and_divorce
11. Department of Justice Canada. How children react at different ages and stages. 2024. https://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/hcrdas-refasd.html

This guide is general information for parents, not medical, psychological or legal advice. It draws on published research and guidance from recognised health and family justice bodies, listed under Sources. Every child and family is different. If you are worried about your child or yourself, talk to your family doctor or a qualified professional. FairWell can help you find one through the professional directory.