Keeping children out of the middle: messengers, spies and confidants

Almost every separated parent has done it at least once: "Tell your dad the soccer fees are due." "Did Mom have anyone over?" "I just need you to understand what really happened." Each moment seems small. Together they can put a child in a place no child should be: in the middle of their parents' relationship. This guide explains the roles children get pulled into, how it feels at different ages, and how to step them back out.

Why this matters so much

In a study of 522 adolescents interviewed about four and a half years after their parents separated in California, Buchanan, Maccoby and Dornbusch (1991) found that parents' conflict affected teenagers' adjustment only indirectly, through the teens' feeling of being caught between their parents. Teens who were close to both parents felt less caught. Teens who lived in two homes were especially likely to feel caught when their parents were in high conflict, and especially unlikely to feel caught when their parents cooperated.

That is the hopeful part of the finding. You cannot always control the conflict. You can control whether your child is made to carry it.

The four roles children get pulled into

1. The messenger

Passing on schedules, requests, complaints or money matters through a child. Even neutral messages put the child in the position of watching a parent's face when they deliver bad news. The Canadian Paediatric Society is direct: "Communicate directly with the other parent, and don't expect children to act as messengers." Parenting guidance from AFCC-Ontario adds that children should never carry messages, especially about money.

2. The spy or informant

Asking who was at the other house, what was bought, what was said, whether a new partner stayed over. Children quickly learn that what they say can cause trouble, and many start editing what they tell each parent. The Canadian Paediatric Society says children "shouldn't be expected to give you information about the other parent's activities, friends or income." The American Academy of Pediatrics' parent site warns against children being "pumped for information."

3. The confidant or caretaker

Leaning on a child for comfort, sharing adult worries, or turning to them for advice. Children in this role often become watchful and protective of the parent who seems more fragile. Justice Canada notes that children aged 9 to 12 may try to "take care of" the parent they see as more vulnerable, and advises plainly: "Don't lean on your pre-teen for emotional support." The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry says that when parents "turn to the child for comfort or direction," it adds to the pressure on the child. The American Academy of Pediatrics also cautions against making a child your emotional support or calling a son "the man of the house."

4. The ally or judge

Telling children who is to blame, sharing the other parent's faults, or asking them to agree. The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry says: "Do not discuss each other's faults or problems with the child," and warns that "pressure on a child to 'choose' sides can be particularly harmful." In anger, never say "You're just like your father" or "just like your mother." The American Academy of Pediatrics notes that children hear this as shame and fear being rejected.

Loyalty conflicts: what being in the middle feels like

A loyalty conflict is the feeling that loving one parent is a betrayal of the other. Children rarely say it out loud. You are more likely to see it.

• Ages 3 to 5. Preschoolers may believe the separation is their fault, and a review for the UK's Early Intervention Foundation found that preschoolers are more likely than older children to blame themselves and fear conflict. They may go quiet about the other home or get upset when a parent seems sad.
• Ages 6 to 8. Justice Canada lists "feeling loyalty conflicts" among the common reactions at this age. Children may take one parent's side, fear losing a parent, or hide that they had fun at the other house.
• Ages 9 to 12. Children this age tend to see things "in absolutes." They may feel torn, try hard to please both parents, become angry at one, or act like a parent themselves.
• Ages 13 and up. Teenagers have concrete worries about money, schedules, school and friends. Justice Canada advises listening to their views but reminding them that parents make the decisions, and not putting them in the middle.

Common signs at any age: telling each parent what they think that parent wants to hear, reluctance to mention the other home, stomach aches before handovers, anxiety when parents are in the same room, or a sudden refusal to talk about one parent at all.

What to do instead

Give adult business an adult channel

Agree on one way to communicate with the other parent: email, text, a shared calendar or a co-parenting app. Keep messages short and about logistics. If talking directly always ends in a fight, see communicating with a high-conflict ex and parallel parenting tools and apps.

For some families, a shared co-parenting app takes the messenger job away from the child altogether: schedules, school notices and expenses sit in one place, there is a written record of what was agreed, and nothing has to travel in a backpack or a child's memory. Email and a shared calendar do the same job well for many families. If you are weighing the options, our side-by-side comparison of co-parenting apps sets out the differences.

If there is family violence: direct contact, shared messaging, in-person handovers and joint processes such as mediation may not be safe, and any shared app or calendar should be checked with a domestic violence safety advisor before you use it. Read safety planning during separation and speak to a local domestic violence service. Press Shift+Esc to leave this site quickly.

Let your child enjoy the other home

The Canadian Paediatric Society advises: "Don't suggest with words or actions that your child is disloyal if they enjoy the time away from you." That includes sighs, silences and changes of subject. It also suggests letting children talk to the other parent whenever they need to.

Listen without pumping

Children will often tell you about the other home on their own. Listen, show interest in your child's experience, and resist follow-up questions about the other parent's life.

The exception is safety. If your child says something that suggests they are being hurt or are afraid, stay calm, listen, and do not question them in detail, because repeated questioning can upset a child and affect any later investigation. Contact your doctor or your local child protection agency (in Canada, a children's aid society or the provincial or territorial child welfare agency; in the US, your state's child protective services). If someone is in immediate danger, call 911.

Find adult support for yourself

You need somewhere to put your anger, grief and fear. Choose friends, family, a support group or a therapist, and keep those conversations out of your child's hearing. Justice Canada's guidance lists what to keep to yourself: money problems, an affair, conflict, blame and "negative things about the other parent." See finding a therapist for separation.

Ask relatives to stay out of it too

Grandparents, aunts and new partners can put children in the middle as easily as parents can. AFCC-Ontario's guidance says parents should discourage relatives from making derogatory comments about the other parent where the child may hear.

Say the four sentences, often

Justice Canada suggests phrases parents can use, adding: "If a statement on this list isn't true in your case, don't say it."

• "You didn't do anything to cause us to separate or divorce. Nobody thinks you did anything wrong."
• "You don't need to take care of us. We're adults and it's our job to take care of you."
• "You don't need to choose between us. It's O.K. to love both of us."
• "It's normal for you to have feelings about this and I want to know how you're feeling."

When the other parent is putting your child in the middle

This is one of the hardest situations to watch. A few principles help.

• Do not retaliate through the child. Correcting the record with your child ("That's not what happened, your mother is lying") puts them deeper into the middle.
• Take the pressure off your child. They do not have to defend you or agree with anyone.
• Raise it once, in writing, with the other parent, calmly and about the child's experience rather than the other parent's character.
• Get help if it continues. A family therapist, a mediator or a parenting coordinator can address it with both of you.

It may also help to know that denigration tends to backfire on the person doing it. In research by Rowen and Emery (2018), drawing on young adults' reports in the US, children felt more distant from both parents when one parent ran down the other, "particularly the more frequent denigrator." This held for mothers and fathers, in married and divorced families.

What the research says

• Conflict about the children is especially worth keeping away from them. A 2020 meta-analysis of 169 studies (van Eldik and colleagues) found that conflict about the children, how often parents clash and the overall quality of their relationship were all linked to children's difficulties, and that most of these links lasted over time.
• Feeling caught is a pathway to harm. In Buchanan and colleagues' study of 522 adolescents (US, 1991), conflict affected adjustment only through teens feeling caught. Closeness to both parents and parental cooperation were linked to feeling less caught.
• It can last, and it tends to fade. A study of 632 young adults by Amato and Afifi (US, 2006) found that feeling caught was linked to lower wellbeing and weaker relationships with parents. Young adults whose parents were divorced were no more likely to feel caught than those with low-conflict married parents, and the feeling tended to fade in the decade after divorce.
• Self-blame hurts. A 2016 UK review by the Early Intervention Foundation found that "Children who blame themselves for parental disagreements or feel responsible for not helping to end them experience guilt, shame, and sadness/depression," and that strong parent-child relationships make self-blame less likely.
• Denigration boomerangs. Rowen and Emery (2018) found that running down the other parent was linked to children's maladjustment and to children feeling more distant from the parent who did it.
• Keeping children out of the middle can be taught. The New Beginnings Program, tested in three randomized trials in the US, teaches parents to "keep children out of the middle of conflict between their parents" alongside warmth and consistent discipline. See parenting programs after separation.

Signs your child may need more help

Talk to your doctor or a children's mental health professional if your child seems persistently anxious or sad, stops enjoying things, has ongoing stomach aches or headaches before handovers, starts refusing to see one parent, or seems to be carrying responsibility for a parent's feelings. See signs your child is struggling, by age, or find a family therapist in the FairWell directory.

If you recognised yourself somewhere in this guide, you are in good company. Every message you take back, and every story about the other home you let pass without a follow-up question, gives your child a little more room to just be a child.

Sources

1. Buchanan, C. M., Maccoby, E. E., and Dornbusch, S. M. Caught between parents: Adolescents' experience in divorced homes. Child Development. 1991. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-8624.1991.tb01586.x
2. Amato, P. R., and Afifi, T. D. Feeling caught between parents: Adult children's relations with parents and subjective well-being. Journal of Marriage and Family. 2006. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2006.00243.x
3. Rowen, J., and Emery, R. E. Parental denigration: A form of conflict that typically backfires. Family Court Review. 2018. https://doi.org/10.1111/fcre.12339
4. Canadian Paediatric Society. Helping children cope with separation and divorce. 2018. https://caringforkids.cps.ca/handouts/mentalhealth/separation_and_divorce
5. American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. Children and Divorce, Facts for Families No. 1. 2026. aacap.org
6. Salek, E. C., and Ginsburg, K. R. (American Academy of Pediatrics, HealthyChildren.org). Traps Divorced or Separating Parents Should Avoid. 2014. healthychildren.org
7. Department of Justice Canada. Making plans: A guide to parenting arrangements after separation or divorce, Section 2. 2025. https://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/mp-fdp/p3.html
8. Department of Justice Canada. How children react at different ages and stages. 2024. https://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/hcrdas-refasd.html
9. AFCC-Ontario. Parenting Plan Guide. 2020. afccnet.org
10. Harold, G., Acquah, D., Sellers, R., Chowdry, H., and Feinstein, L. (Early Intervention Foundation). What works to enhance inter-parental relationships and improve outcomes for children. 2016. gov.uk
11. REACH Institute, Arizona State University. New Beginnings Program. Undated. https://reachinstitute.asu.edu/new-beginnings-program
12. van Eldik, W. M., and colleagues. The interparental relationship: Meta-analytic associations with children's maladjustment and responses to interparental conflict. Psychological Bulletin. 2020. https://doi.org/10.1037/bul0000233

This guide is general information for parents, not medical, psychological or legal advice. It draws on published research and guidance from recognised health and family justice bodies, listed under Sources. Every child and family is different. If you are worried about your child or yourself, talk to your family doctor or a qualified professional. FairWell can help you find one through the professional directory.