Grandparents and extended family after separation: keeping the bonds

When parents separate, children can lose more than a shared home. Sunday dinners at one set of grandparents, summer weeks with cousins, a favourite aunt who always picks up the phone: these relationships can quietly slip away if nobody protects them. For many children, they are exactly what holds steady while everything else changes. And if you are a grandparent reading this, worried you might lose your grandchildren too, there is a great deal you can do.

This guide is for parents and for grandparents and other relatives. It covers why these relationships matter, how to keep them going across two homes, how grandparents can help without making things harder, and what the law says if contact breaks down.

Why these relationships matter

A study of 1,515 secondary school students aged 11 to 16 in England and Wales (Attar-Schwartz and colleagues, 2009) found that greater grandparent involvement was associated with fewer emotional problems and more prosocial behaviour in teenagers. The link between grandparent involvement and fewer adjustment difficulties was stronger in lone-parent families and stepfamilies than in two-parent biological families. The study was cross-sectional, so it shows an association rather than proving cause, but it fits the wider research. A 2005 review of resilience after divorce by Pedro-Carroll lists supportive adults among the factors that protect children, and the Harvard Center on the Developing Child explains that "supportive relationships with caring adults can help buffer a child's stress response."

The Canadian Paediatric Society encourages parents to keep extended family connections during separation. The AFCC notes that children benefit from knowing what is going to happen, including "when they will be seeing grandparents". Familiar people who love them, and who are not at the centre of the conflict, give children a sense that their world is still there.

For parents: keeping both sides of the family

How contact usually works

Justice Canada's Making Plans guide explains that children usually see grandparents and other special people during a parent's time. AFCC-Ontario's parenting plan guide says each parent decides who to involve on their own time, and that a parenting plan can include contact with a grandparent who has been very involved in the child's life.

In practice, that means your children will probably see your parents on your time and your ex's parents on your ex's time. It gets harder when one side of the family has been the main source of childcare, when grandparents live far away, or when the relationship between a parent and their former in-laws has broken down.

Practical ways to protect the relationships

• Write it down if it matters. If a grandparent has been a major part of your children's lives (regular childcare, weekly visits), consider including that in your parenting plan. If you use FairWell's parenting plan builder, add it in the notes section.
• Keep traditions that cross the line. If the children always spent a week with their other grandparents in summer, try to keep it, even if it falls partly on your time.
• Allow calls and video chats with relatives from the other side of the family while the children are with you.
• Tell children when they will see people. A calendar that shows Grandma's visits helps children trust that those relationships are not disappearing.
• Use grandparents to help with handovers if it reduces tension. AFCC-Ontario suggests that where exchanges are tense, a third party such as a grandparent can do the handover.

Protect children from adult talk

Family members are often angry on your behalf, and they may say so. The Canadian Paediatric Society advises not to speak negatively about the other parent to your children, extended family, or friends. AFCC-Ontario says parents should discourage relatives from making derogatory comments about the other parent where the child may hear. Children may hear criticism of a parent as criticism of themselves.

For telling relatives about the separation in the first place, see telling family, friends and your employer.

For grandparents and other relatives: how to help

Justice Canada publishes guidance for grandparents. Its main points, in plain terms:

• Your relationship with the parents is the route to the children. Grandparents' role is easiest with a good relationship with one or both parents. That includes your son-in-law or daughter-in-law, even now.
• Don't criticise either parent in front of the children. That includes your own child's ex.
• Don't use the children as messengers, and don't ask them about the other household.
• If you disagree with a parent, talk to the parent, privately, not in front of the child.

What children often need from grandparents is ordinary life: the same games, the same food, the same welcome. You do not need to talk about the separation unless the child brings it up. If they do, listen more than you speak.

Practical help that makes a difference

• Offer specific, reliable help: school pick-up on Tuesdays, a meal on handover day.
• Offer the same help to both parents where you can.
• Keep your home a conflict-free zone: no questions about the other home, no adult conversations in earshot.
• Look after yourself too. Grandparents grieve family changes as well.

When contact breaks down

Most families sort out grandparent contact without lawyers. When they cannot, start with the least adversarial route. Justice Canada notes that family justice services, such as conciliation, can help families resolve conflict about grandparent contact.

Canada

Under the federal Divorce Act, a person other than a spouse, such as a grandparent, can apply for a contact order, but must first get the court's permission (leave) to apply (section 16.5). Justice Canada notes that a contact order is granted only if it is in the child's best interests. The Divorce Act applies when married parents divorce. If the parents were not married, or are not divorcing, provincial or territorial law applies, and the rules differ. Justice Canada's grandparents page still uses the older word "access"; the Divorce Act now uses "contact orders".

United States

Family law is set at state level, so whether and how a grandparent can ask a court for visitation depends on the state. Check your state court's self-help resources or speak to a family lawyer in your state. FairWell's guide to low-cost family law help may help.

Court is slow, costly and hard on relationships, and children notice. Treat it as the last option, not the first.

What the research says

• Attar-Schwartz and colleagues (2009, England and Wales, 1,515 teenagers aged 11 to 16) found greater grandparent involvement was associated with fewer emotional problems and more prosocial behaviour, with a stronger link to fewer adjustment difficulties in lone-parent and stepfamilies. Cross-sectional, self-report, UK sample.
• Pedro-Carroll (2005, US) lists supportive adults among the protective factors for children after divorce, and the Harvard Center on the Developing Child describes how caring adults buffer children's stress.
• Other advice in this guide comes from professional and government guidance (Justice Canada, the Canadian Paediatric Society, the AFCC), not research.

When a child needs more help

A grandparent or aunt is often the first person a child confides in. If a child tells you they are frightened, being hurt, or thinking about hurting themselves, take it seriously. Stay calm, listen, do not question them in detail, and tell a parent or the right service. If you are worried about abuse, contact your local child protection agency. If a child is in danger, use the lines at the end of this page.

If there is family violence: shared handovers, family meetings and mediation may not be safe, and grandparent contact may need to be arranged differently. Read our safety planning guide. Press Shift+Esc to leave this site quickly.

Sources

1. Department of Justice Canada. Information for Grandparents. 2025. https://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/grand.html
2. Divorce Act, RSC 1985, c 3 (2nd Supp), s 16.5, as amended by SC 2019, c 16. https://laws-lois.justice.gc.ca/eng/acts/d-3.4/FullText.html
3. Department of Justice Canada. Making Plans: A guide to parenting arrangements after separation or divorce. 2026. https://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/mp-fdp/index.html
4. AFCC-Ontario. Parenting Plan Guide. 2020. https://www.afccnet.org/Portals/0/PDF/AFCC-O-Parenting-Plan-Guide%20(Jan%202020)1.pdf
5. Association of Family and Conciliation Courts. Making Your Parenting Plan Work. 2003. https://www.afccnet.org/Resource-Center/Family-Resources/Making-your-Parenting-Plan-Work
6. Canadian Paediatric Society. Helping children cope with separation and divorce. 2018. https://caringforkids.cps.ca/handouts/mentalhealth/separation_and_divorce
7. Attar-Schwartz S, Tan JP, Buchanan A, Flouri E, Griggs J. Grandparenting and adolescent adjustment in two-parent biological, lone-parent, and step-families. Journal of Family Psychology. 2009. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0014383
8. Pedro-Carroll J. Fostering resilience in the aftermath of divorce: the role of evidence-based programs for children. Family Court Review. 2005. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1744-1617.2005.00007.x
9. Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University. Toxic Stress. Undated. https://developingchild.harvard.edu/key-concept/toxic-stress/

This guide is general information for parents, not medical, psychological or legal advice. It draws on published research and guidance from recognised health and family justice bodies, listed under Sources. Every child and family is different. If you are worried about your child or yourself, talk to your family doctor or a qualified professional. FairWell can help you find one through the professional directory.