Talking about the other parent: what to say and what never to say

The short answer

Speak about the other parent neutrally or kindly in front of your child, and never criticise them where your child can hear, including on the phone, through relatives or online. Research on young adults found that running down a co-parent tends to backfire, leaving children feeling more distant from the parent who did it. When the other parent has real problems, describe what your child already knows in simple, calm words, without blame.

Your child is half of each of you. When one parent runs down the other, many children hear it as a judgement on part of themselves. The AFCC's guidance for separated parents puts it plainly: "Avoid attacking the other parent because your children may experience this as an attack on them."

This is one of the hardest disciplines of separation, especially when you have real reasons to be angry. This guide sets out what the research shows, what never to say, and the words to use in the moments that test you most.

What the research says

Researchers Rowen and Emery have studied what they call parental denigration: one parent making disparaging comments about the other in front of the children. In a 2018 paper drawing on two earlier studies of 648 and 994 US young adults, plus a new study of parents, they reported that:

denigration tended to go both ways (when one parent did it, the other often did too);
it was related to children feeling more distant from both parents, "particularly the more frequent denigrator";
it was associated with measures of poorer adjustment in the young adults;
these results held in both married and divorced families, and for both mothers and fathers;
divorced parents, particularly those in litigation, appeared to under-report their own denigration and over-report their co-parent's.

Their conclusion: "denigrating one's co-parent appears to boomerang and hurt the parent's own relationship with the children rather than distance children from the co-parent." The studies rely on young adults' memories and show associations, not proof of cause. But the direction is consistent with what professional bodies advise.

Feeling caught between parents is a key route to harm. A classic 1991 study of 522 Californian adolescents found that parental conflict affected teenagers' adjustment mainly through how caught they felt, and that being close to both parents went with feeling less caught. The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry warns that "pressure on a child to 'choose' sides can be particularly harmful," and advises parents: "Do not discuss each other's faults or problems with the child."

Newer work points the same way. A 2016 evidence review for the UK government found that children who blame themselves for their parents' disagreements experience "guilt, shame, and sadness/depression", and that a positive relationship with a parent protects them, because they are then "less likely to blame themselves". A 2006 US study of 632 young adults offers some hope: feelings of being caught between parents "appeared to fade in the decade following parental divorce."

What counts as running the other parent down

It is rarely a speech. More often it is small and constant. A 2018 research review by Gordon Harold and Ruth Sellers found that children are affected by the whole range of ways parents express conflict, "ranging from silence to violence", so the quiet signals count too:

sighs, eye-rolls or silence when the other parent is mentioned;
"jokes" about their lateness, their new partner, their cooking;
phone calls with friends or family that the child can overhear;
explaining the separation in a way that makes one parent the cause;
sharing adult information: money, affairs, court papers, who left whom;
relatives criticising the other parent in front of the child;
posts on social media. AFCC-Ontario notes that attacking the other parent online "may be used against the parent who posted such comments".

The Canadian Paediatric Society advises not speaking negatively about the other parent "to your children, extended family, or friends", because children so often overhear. AFCC-Ontario suggests parents also discourage relatives from doing it.

What never to say

"Dad and I see some things differently. We both love you."

"Your father only cares about himself."

"Grown-ups decided this. It's not your fault, and you don't need to fix it."

"Ask your mother why she broke up our family."

"That was a big feeling. Let's take a breath together."

"You are just like your father/mother!"

That last one is named specifically in American Academy of Pediatrics guidance on HealthyChildren.org: said in anger, it can leave a child ashamed and afraid of being rejected.

"Did you have a good time?"

"Who was at Mom's? Did she go out? How much did that cost?"

Questioning a child about the other home turns them into a spy. AFCC guidance says it "may make them feel like spies", and the Canadian Paediatric Society says children should not be expected to give you information about the other parent's activities, friends or income.

"I'll sort that out with Dad."

"Tell your father the support payment is late again."

What to say in the hardest moments

When your child comes back happy

The Canadian Paediatric Society advises not suggesting, in words or actions, that a child is disloyal for enjoying time away from you.

"I'm really glad you had fun. I missed you, and I'm happy you're home."

"Well, I hope it was worth it."

When your child asks why you separated

Justice Canada's Making Plans says that "no matter what age your children are, they don't need to know the details about why the relationship ended." Give a short, shared explanation that blames no one.

"Mom and I couldn't make our marriage work, even though we tried. That's a grown-up problem. It wasn't because of anything you did."

"Ask your dad. He's the one who had the affair."

When your child repeats something the other parent said about you

Stay calm. The child is testing whether it is safe to bring this to you. Do not argue the case or return fire.

"Thanks for telling me. That must have been confusing to hear. Mom and I don't agree about everything, but we both love you. You don't have to take sides."

"That's a lie. Do you want to know what your mother really did?"

When your child is angry with the other parent and wants you to agree

Acknowledge the feeling without adding to the case against the other parent.

"You're really disappointed that Dad missed your game. That makes sense. Would it help to tell him how you felt?"

"Now you know what I've had to put up with."

When your child asks "Do you hate Dad?" or "Do you hate Mom?"

"No. We're not married anymore, and sometimes we disagree, but he's your dad and I want you to have a good relationship with him."

"Let's just say I don't want to talk about him."

Justice Canada adds a useful rule: "If a statement on this list isn't true in your case, don't say it." If you cannot say something warm and true, say something neutral and true.

By age

Preschoolers (3 to 5) need very short, concrete words, and lots of reassurance that both homes are theirs. Keep adult talk out of earshot. As Justice Canada puts it, "just because your child doesn't understand the words, doesn't mean that conflict won't affect them."
School-age children (6 to 11) care about fairness and often feel loyalty pulls. Make it explicit: "It's okay to love both of us. You never have to choose."
Teenagers (12 to 17) form their own views and may criticise a parent themselves. You can listen without agreeing or adding detail. They still do not need the adult story, and they should never become your confidant. AAP guidance warns against making a child your emotional support.

When the other parent has real problems

Sometimes there is something hard to explain: an addiction, a mental illness, a parent who is unreliable or has stepped away. There is little research on exactly what to say, so this is practical guidance. The principles:

Describe what your child already knows, in calm words that fit their age. Do not add adult details.
Separate the person from the problem. "Dad has an illness that makes it hard for him to look after you right now" rather than "Dad is a drunk".
Make clear it is not about them. "Mom not coming is not because of you. Grown-ups sometimes have problems that make it hard to keep promises."
Do not make your child keep secrets from the other parent, or from safe adults.
Handle safety through adults. If you have safety concerns about the other home, raise them with a lawyer, your doctor or child protection services, not with your child.

"Dad is getting help for a problem that makes him act differently sometimes. It's not your fault, and it's not your job to fix it. You can always tell me how you feel about it."

"Your father chose the bottle over you."

When the other parent is the one running you down

This is painful, and the urge to correct the record is strong. The research suggests two things. First, denigration tends to be reciprocal, so returning fire may make things worse for your child. Second, it tends to backfire on the parent who does it most. Your best response is to be the steady parent.

Reassure your child without attacking back (see the scripts above).
Do not question your child for details. Keep brief, dated notes of anything your child volunteers that worries you.
Raise it with the other parent in a short, calm, written message, or through a mediator or parenting coordinator.
If your child starts to refuse time with you, get professional advice. "Parental alienation" is a contested idea: the World Health Organization removed the term from the ICD-11 index, saying it is not a health care term, and experts disagree about how to understand and respond to these situations. See our guide on when a child refuses to see a parent.

If you have already said things you regret

Most parents slip at some point. Repair matters more than perfection. Keep it short and simple, and do not use the apology to explain why you were right.

"Yesterday I said something unkind about Mom. That wasn't fair to you, and I'm sorry. You're allowed to love her, and I want you to."

"I'm sorry I said that, but you have to admit she deserved it."

Signs your child needs more help

Your child seems torn between homes, anxious before handovers, or guarded about mentioning either parent.
They take one parent's side completely, or repeat adult phrases about the other parent.
They show signs the Canadian Paediatric Society suggests raising with a doctor if they continue: anxiety, sadness, changes in eating or sleep, trouble at school or aggressive behaviour.

A child therapist can give your child a neutral place to talk. Our guide to keeping children out of the middle covers related situations.

If your child tells you something that suggests they are being harmed, stay calm, listen, tell them they did the right thing by telling you, and do not question them repeatedly or ask leading questions, which can upset them and affect any later investigation. Contact your local child protection agency (in Canada, your children's aid society or provincial or territorial child welfare service; in the US, your state's child protective services), your doctor, or 911 if your child is in immediate danger.

If there is family violence: you do not have to describe the other parent as safe when they are not, and joint conversations or shared messages may not be safe for you. Get advice on what to say to your children from a domestic violence service or a child therapist. Read our guide to separation and safety planning. Press Shift+Esc to leave this site quickly.

Sources

Rowen J, Emery RE. Parental denigration: a form of conflict that typically backfires. Family Court Review. 2018. https://doi.org/10.1111/fcre.12339
Buchanan CM, Maccoby EE, Dornbusch SM. Caught between parents: adolescents' experience in divorced homes. Child Development. 1991. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-8624.1991.tb01586.x
Harold G, Acquah D, Sellers R, Chowdry H, Feinstein L. What works to enhance inter-parental relationships and improve outcomes for children. Early Intervention Foundation. 2016. https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/what-works-to-enhance-inter-parental-relationships-and-improve-outcomes-for-children
Harold GT, Sellers R. Annual Research Review: Interparental conflict and youth psychopathology: an evidence review and practice focused update. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry. 2018. https://doi.org/10.1111/jcpp.12893
Amato PR, Afifi TD. Feeling caught between parents: adult children's relations with parents and subjective well-being. Journal of Marriage and Family. 2006. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2006.00243.x
American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. Children and Divorce, Facts for Families No. 1. Updated 2026. https://www.aacap.org/AACAP/Families_and_Youth/Facts_for_Families/FFF-Guide/Children-and-Divorce-001.aspx
Association of Family and Conciliation Courts. Parents Are Forever. Revised 2003. https://www.afccnet.org/Resource-Center/Family-Resources/Parents-Are-Forever
AFCC-Ontario. Parenting Plan Guide. 2020. https://www.afccnet.org/Portals/0/PDF/AFCC-O-Parenting-Plan-Guide%20(Jan%202020)1.pdf
Canadian Paediatric Society. Helping children cope with separation and divorce. Caring for Kids. 2018. https://caringforkids.cps.ca/handouts/mentalhealth/separation_and_divorce
Salek EC, Ginsburg KR. Traps Divorced or Separating Parents Should Avoid. HealthyChildren.org, American Academy of Pediatrics. 2014. https://www.healthychildren.org/English/healthy-living/emotional-wellness/Building-Resilience/Pages/Traps-Divorced-or-Separating-Parents-Should-Avoid.aspx
Department of Justice Canada. Making Plans, Section 2: What your children may be feeling. 2025. https://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/mp-fdp/p3.html
Department of Justice Canada. Information for Grandparents. 2025. https://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/grand.html
Department of Justice Canada. How children react at different ages and stages. 2024. https://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/hcrdas-refasd.html
World Health Organization. Parental alienation (ICD frequently asked questions). Undated. https://www.who.int/standards/classifications/frequently-asked-questions/parental-alienation

This guide is general information, not medical, psychological or legal advice. If you are worried about your child's safety or mental health, contact a professional or one of the services listed above.

If someone is in immediate danger, call 911. In Canada, call or text 9-8-8 (Suicide Crisis Helpline), or reach Kids Help Phone at 1-800-668-6868 or text CONNECT to 686868. In the US, call, text or chat 988 (Suicide and Crisis Lifeline).

Common questions

Is it really harmful to badmouth my ex in front of my child?

Professional bodies in both countries advise against it, and research on young adults found that running down a co-parent was linked to children feeling more distant from both parents, especially the parent who did it most. Children often hear criticism of a parent as criticism of themselves.

What do I tell my child if their other parent really did something wrong?

Keep to what your child already knows, in calm, simple words that fit their age, and make clear it is not their fault. Children do not need adult details about why the relationship ended. Handle safety concerns through adults and professionals, not through your child.

What should I do if my ex badmouths me to our child?

Do not return fire. Reassure your child that they can love both parents, avoid questioning them for details, and raise the issue calmly in writing or through a mediator or parenting coordinator. Get professional advice if your child starts to refuse time with you.

My teenager criticises their other parent. Should I agree?

Listen and acknowledge their feelings without adding your own criticism or adult details. You can say you hear them and suggest they share their feelings with the other parent directly.

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This guide is general information for parents, not medical, psychological or legal advice. It draws on published research and guidance from recognised health and family justice bodies, listed under Sources. Every child and family is different. If you are worried about your child or yourself, talk to your family doctor or a qualified professional. FairWell can help you find one through the professional directory.