Two homes, one childhood: helping children feel at home in both

There is a difference between living somewhere and visiting it. A child who lives in two homes needs to feel like a resident of both, not a guest in one. Many parents worry about this most in the home that is newer, smaller or set up in a hurry. The good news is that belonging comes far more from routine, space and permission than from square footage or new furniture.

What children experience, by age

• Babies and toddlers (birth to 2). Home is people, smells and routines. Familiar bedding, the same sleep sounds and similar bedtime steps in each place help more than matching rooms.
• Preschoolers (3 to 5). They attach strongly to objects. A favourite toy or blanket that moves between homes, a transitional object, can carry comfort across the change. The AFCC-Ontario Parenting Plan Guide recommends this for preschoolers.
• School-age children (6 to 8). They want to know concretely where things are and what happens to their stuff. Losing track of a favourite thing between houses can feel like a big deal.
• Preteens (9 to 12). Privacy and friends start to matter. They may care about having somewhere to have a friend over, a door that closes, and a say in how their space looks.
• Teenagers (13 and up). Their life is increasingly outside both homes: school, work, friends. A home feels like theirs when it fits that life and when they are treated as a member of the household, not a weekend guest.

What professionals recommend

We did not find published research that tests specific room set-ups or belongings arrangements after separation, so the advice in this guide comes from professional guidance, named below. The broader research is more about conflict and parenting than about bedrooms: a 2019 systematic review of 16 studies by Baude and colleagues concluded that parental conflict and parenting practices matter more for children's behaviour than the custody arrangement itself. And living in two homes can go well: a 2015 Swedish survey of about 148,000 children aged 12 and 15 found that those who shared their time between both parents' homes reported fewer psychosomatic problems, such as sleep trouble and headaches, than children living mostly or only with one parent. It was a snapshot in time, so it cannot show the arrangement caused the difference, but it is a reassuring counterweight to the idea that two homes are bound to unsettle a child.

• AFCC's Parents Are Forever encourages children to spend time in both parents' homes, saying this "will ease transitions and help your children feel comfortable in each environment."
• Both AFCC-Ontario and AFCC's Massachusetts chapter say children should be allowed to bring personal possessions between homes no matter which parent bought them. AFCC-Ontario adds that items that belong to the child, including phones, go with the child.
• AFCC's Making Your Parenting Plan Work says children benefit from information about where they will live and go to school, where they will spend holidays, and "what will happen to their things".
• The Canadian Paediatric Society advises parents not to suggest, in words or actions, that a child is disloyal for enjoying time away from them.
• The American Academy of Pediatrics, on HealthyChildren.org, advises that children in stepfamilies have private space and their own possessions where possible, and time alone with their own parent.

Give them a space that is theirs

A child does not need a perfect room. They need somewhere that is clearly theirs.

• If you have a room for them, let them choose some things in it: a poster, the bedding, where the bed goes. Choice turns a room into their room.
• If space is tight, a dedicated bed, a drawer, a shelf and a hook for their bag still say "you live here". Avoid storing your own things in their space.
• Keep it the way they left it. Coming back to find their room used as storage, or their things moved, tells a child they were a visitor.
• Older children: privacy matters. Knock. A place to be alone, even a corner with a curtain, is worth more than extra space.

Things: what to duplicate and what should travel

Most families end up with a mix: everyday basics in both homes, and personal treasures that move with the child.

The principle that matters most is ownership. If a gift from you is your child's, it is theirs to take to the other home. Rules such as "the bike your mother bought stays at her house" make children feel that their belongings, and by extension they, belong to a parent. Professional guidance is clear on this.

When things go missing, solve it between the adults, by message, without blame. A child who is in trouble every time something is left behind will start to dread the move between homes.

Be a resident, not a guest

Children feel at home where they have a part to play.

• Ordinary life, not only treats. Homework, chores, cooking, boring evenings. A home where every stay is a special outing can feel like a holiday rental.
• A role in the household. Age-appropriate jobs (feeding the cat, setting the table) say "we need you here".
• Their world nearby. Friends, activities and neighbours near each home help. If a home is further from school or friends, think about how to keep those connections going.
• Familiar routines. The Canadian Paediatric Society advises working toward common routines for both households. Bedtime steps, a Saturday breakfast, a walk after dinner: small rituals tell children what happens here.

Permission to love both homes

This is the part most children never ask for out loud and most need. The American Academy of Pediatrics notes that children need to be able to relate to both parents "without feeling disloyal". If your child picks up that you are sad or hurt when they enjoy the other home, they will hide that enjoyment, and hiding is exhausting.

Ages 3 to 5

Ages 6 to 12

Teenagers

If you do miss your child or feel hurt, that is real and it deserves support. Take it to a friend, a counsellor or our guide on loneliness on the weeks without your children, rather than to your child.

When the homes are very different

One home may be bigger, newer or better resourced. Try not to compete. AFCC's guide for step-parents warns against trying to buy a child's affection, and the same caution applies between parents: what children remember is time, attention and calm, not the size of the room. Describe differences as differences, as the AFCC-Ontario guide recommends, not as better or worse.

Blended households

When children share a home with a parent's partner or with step-siblings, belonging gets more complicated. The AAP advises avoiding forced closeness, giving each child private space and their own possessions where possible, and protecting time alone with their own parent. A child who arrives every second week to find their space taken over by children who live there full time will feel like a guest. Keep something that is reserved for them. See introducing a new partner and building a blended family.

Working with the other parent

Feeling at home in both places is easier when the parents quietly cooperate on things like a travelling bag, shared lists of what lives where and agreeing that personal items travel. Keep these messages short, factual and about the child. Our guide to handovers without tears covers exchanges in detail.

If there is family violence: coordinating belongings, sharing lists or communicating regularly with the other parent may not be safe. Your safety and your child's come first, and there are other ways to manage these details. Read safety planning during separation. Press Shift+Esc to leave this site quickly.

Signs your child needs more support

Some unsettledness in a new home is normal, especially in the first months. Talk to your doctor or a child mental health service if your child consistently seems anxious or sad about one or both homes, refuses to settle over a long period, has changes in sleep or eating that do not ease, or starts having trouble at school. The Canadian Paediatric Society lists these as reasons to seek advice if they continue or worsen. See signs a child is struggling after separation.

Sources

1. Association of Family and Conciliation Courts. Parents Are Forever. Revised 2003. afccnet.org
2. AFCC-Ontario. Parenting Plan Guide. 2020. afccnet.org
3. AFCC Massachusetts Chapter. Planning for Shared Parenting: A Guide for Parents Living Apart. c. 2004. afccnet.org
4. Association of Family and Conciliation Courts. Making Your Parenting Plan Work. Revised 2003. afccnet.org
5. Association of Family and Conciliation Courts. A Guide for Stepparents. Undated. afccnet.org
6. Canadian Paediatric Society. Helping children cope with separation and divorce. 2018. caringforkids.cps.ca
7. Salek EC, Ginsburg KR (American Academy of Pediatrics, HealthyChildren.org). Traps Divorced or Separating Parents Should Avoid. 2014. healthychildren.org
8. American Academy of Pediatrics, HealthyChildren.org. Stepsiblings. 2025. healthychildren.org
9. Baude A, Drapeau S, Lachance V, Ivers H. Adjustment of children in joint custody and associated variables: a systematic review. Journal of Child Custody. 2019. familia.ucs.inrs.ca
10. Bergström M, Fransson E, Modin B, Berlin M, Gustafsson PA, Hjern A. Fifty moves a year: is there an association between joint physical custody and psychosomatic problems in children? Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health. 2015. doi.org/10.1136/jech-2014-205058

This guide is general information for parents, not medical, psychological or legal advice. It draws on published research and guidance from recognised health and family justice bodies, listed under Sources. Every child and family is different. If you are worried about your child or yourself, talk to your family doctor or a qualified professional. FairWell can help you find one through the professional directory.