Parallel parenting in your child's interest: what the evidence says

You have tried to co-parent. You have been polite, you have compromised, and still every exchange turns into an argument, sometimes in front of the children. If you are now looking at parallel parenting, you may be wondering whether you are giving up on something your children need.

The evidence is more reassuring than you might expect, with one important condition: parallel parenting helps children only when it actually lowers the conflict they live with, and when it protects their relationship with both of you. This guide is about the child's side of parallel parenting. For the practical tools (apps, expense systems, detailed plans), see our guide to parallel parenting tools and apps.

What parallel parenting is, and what it is not

In parallel parenting, each parent runs their own parenting time in their own way, and contact between the adults is kept low, written and structured. Researchers studying US divorced families have used the term for one of the common patterns families settle into, alongside cooperative co-parenting and single parenting. Justice Canada's guide Making Plans describes a related legal option, "divided (parallel)" decision-making, where each parent has responsibility for different areas such as health or education.

Parallel parenting is not:

• stepping back from your child, or from your child's life in the other home;
• a way to shut the other parent out, or to punish them;
• a reason to stop sharing information the other parent needs to care for the child;
• a safety plan. Where there is violence, different protections are needed (see the note near the end).

What the research says

Several lines of evidence, from the US, Canada, Germany and the UK, point the same way.

One good parent protects

A 2018 review of 11 studies of high-conflict divorced families found that "high quality of parenting by at least one parent is associated with better child adjustment in high conflict divorces." The authors call their conclusions tentative because the studies are few and varied. The same review found that more shared parenting time was linked to poorer adjustment in samples where conflict was still high many years after the divorce, but typically not where conflict was measured during the divorce or the two or three years after. This is one reason to bring conflict down early, and to get help if it is not falling.

Conflict and parenting matter more than the arrangement

A systematic review of studies on joint custody (Baude and colleagues, 2019) concluded that young people in joint custody have no more adjustment problems than those in sole custody when parents cooperate, avoid or contain conflict and keep arrangements flexible, and that serious ongoing conflict after separation appears to make adjustment harder. A representative German survey of 800 children (2022) found shared physical custody was not linked to child adjustment overall, but conflictual co-parenting was linked to more hyperactivity among children in shared custody.

Children can do well without warm co-parenting

A US study of 944 divorced families, published in 2011, grouped families into cooperative co-parenting, parallel parenting and single parenting. Children of cooperative co-parents had the fewest behaviour problems and the closest ties to their fathers, but they did not score significantly better on ten other outcomes. The authors described this as only "modest support" for the idea that a friendly divorce is needed for children to do well. A separate US study of 270 parents (2014) found parents' reports of children's adjustment did not differ significantly between co-parenting styles, including the "infrequent but conflictual" style.

Silence is not the same as peace

Three findings keep parallel parenting honest. A 2018 research review by Gordon Harold and Ruth Sellers found that children are affected by how parents handle conflict "ranging from silence to violence", whether the parents live together or apart. A 2020 meta-analysis of 169 studies found that disengaged, unconstructive conflict between parents (stonewalling, contempt, the cold shoulder) carried risks similar to open hostility for some child outcomes. And a UK government-commissioned evidence review (Early Intervention Foundation, 2016), which Harold and Sellers co-wrote, found that "just targeting the parental-child relationship in the context of ongoing inter-parental conflict does not lead to sustained positive outcomes for children." In other words, being a great parent in your own home is necessary, but it is not enough if the war between the homes carries on. Parallel parenting is meant to end the war, not move it underground.

What your child experiences, by age

The guidance in this section comes from professional bodies and from practice, not from studies of parallel parenting specifically.

Babies and toddlers (0 to 2)

Very young children cannot follow adult arguments, but the UK evidence review mentioned above found that babies as young as 6 months show physical signs of distress, such as a raised heart rate, in response to hostile exchanges between parents. The Ontario chapter of the AFCC notes that protest at exchanges is normal for toddlers and is not a sign of rejecting a parent. If handovers are tense, the guide suggests a third party, such as a grandparent, can do them. As children reach preschool age, it adds, a favourite toy or blanket that travels between homes helps.

Preschool and school-age children (3 to 11)

Children this age notice that two homes run differently. AFCC-Ontario suggests describing differences in routines, food or faith as "differences", not "better" or "worse". Exchanges at school or daycare mean there is no adult handover for the child to watch. School-age children may still wish you would all be together again, and may test whether it is safe to talk about the other home.

Preteens and teenagers (12 to 17)

Older children are the most likely to feel caught. The classic 1991 study of 522 Californian adolescents found that those living across two homes were "especially likely to feel caught when parents were in high conflict, and especially unlikely to feel caught when parents cooperated." AFCC-Ontario suggests that older children in high-conflict families may benefit from their own private way to contact the other parent.

How to do parallel parenting in your child's interest

1. Low contact for the adults, not low information

Less talking does not mean less sharing. Use the Arizona AFCC guide's ACT rule: information should be Accurate, Complete and Timely. Medical updates, school notices and changes in the child's mood still go to the other parent, in writing, promptly. For young children, a notebook that travels with the child can carry the basics (sleep, food, medicine) without the parents needing to speak.

Some parallel parents use a co-parenting app for this, so messages, the calendar and expenses sit in one written record and nobody has to talk at the door. It is an option, not a requirement. If you are considering one, our side-by-side comparison of co-parenting apps sets out what each offers. Where there has been family violence, check any shared tool with a safety advisor first.

2. Handovers with no audience

Justice Canada suggests transitions at "a natural point" in the child's schedule: one parent drops off at school, daycare or swimming and the other picks up. Where that is not possible, a quiet, brief handover at a neutral place, or a trusted third person, keeps the child out of view of adult tension.

3. Protect the relationship with the other parent

This is the part that makes parallel parenting child-centred rather than adult-centred. The Canadian Paediatric Society advises: "Let your child talk to the other parent whenever they need to," and not to suggest, by words or actions, that a child is disloyal for enjoying time away from you.

4. Let differences be differences

Parallel parenting means accepting that the other home will do some things differently: bedtime, screens, food. AFCC-Ontario notes that a parent's lifestyle and day-to-day parenting "generally cannot be controlled in a parenting plan". Save your energy for safety and for the big decisions.

5. Put your effort into your own parenting

The finding that one good parent protects children is the most useful thing to hold on to. In the New Beginnings trial, improvements in mothers' effective discipline and in the quality of the mother-child relationship helped explain the program's benefits for children. Warmth, predictable routines, calm limits and time to listen are entirely within your control, whatever happens in the other home. Our guide to parenting programs after separation lists courses that teach these skills.

6. Never make the child the bridge

When parents stop talking, it is tempting to route things through the child: "Ask your father if…", "Tell your mother…". Don't. AFCC guidance is clear: "Never ask your children to pass messages back and forth."

Shared events: school concerts, games, birthdays

AFCC-Ontario suggests that if parents can be civil, they attend events like parent-teacher meetings and graduations together; if not, they take turns. Either way, a child at an event should be supported to greet the other parent. If you are both at the soccer game, sit apart if you need to, and let your child run to either of you without a glance at your face first.

Is parallel parenting forever?

Not necessarily. Many families use it to get through the hardest stretch, then relax into something more flexible as feelings cool. A 2006 US study of 632 young adults found that feelings of being caught between parents "appeared to fade in the decade following parental divorce." Build a review point into your plan (for example, after a year, or at a school transition) and look honestly at whether the conflict the children see is falling.

Signs that more help is needed

• Conflict is not falling after several months, or it is moving into new places: the children's phones, school, social media.
• Your child seems anxious before transitions, refuses to go, or says they feel stuck in the middle.
• Your child shows signs the Canadian Paediatric Society lists as worth raising with a doctor if they continue: anxiety, sadness, changes in eating or sleep, trouble at school or aggressive behaviour.
• You and the other parent cannot settle even small disputes without lawyers.

A parenting coordinator is designed for exactly this. The AFCC describes parenting coordination as a process for high-conflict cases that combines assessment, education, case management, conflict resolution and sometimes decision-making, and notes it may be available at low or no cost in some places. A child therapist can give your child a neutral place to talk. You can find both in the FairWell directory.

If there is family violence: parallel parenting is not a safety plan. Justice Canada notes that arrangements requiring regular contact between parents "may lead to opportunities for further family violence", and the AFCC says parenting coordination is not for cases where it may compromise anyone's safety. Exchanges, communication and decision-making may need court orders, supervised exchanges or other protections. Read our guide to separation and safety planning. Press Shift+Esc to leave this site quickly.

Sources

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3. Mahrer NE, O'Hara KL, Sandler IN, Wolchik SA. Does shared parenting help or hurt children in high conflict divorced families? Journal of Divorce and Remarriage. 2018. https://doi.org/10.1080/10502556.2018.1454200
4. Baude A, Drapeau S, Lachance V, Ivers H. Adjustment of children in joint custody and associated variables: a systematic review. Journal of Child Custody. 2019. https://familia.ucs.inrs.ca/notice/?ID=21944
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12. Department of Justice Canada. Making Plans: A guide to parenting arrangements after separation or divorce. 2026. https://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/mp-fdp/index.html
13. AFCC-Ontario. Parenting Plan Guide. 2020. https://www.afccnet.org/Portals/0/PDF/AFCC-O-Parenting-Plan-Guide%20(Jan%202020)1.pdf
14. Arizona Chapter of the Association of Family and Conciliation Courts. Co-Parenting Communication Guide. 2011. https://www.afccnet.org/Portals/0/PDF/AzAFCC%20Coparenting%20Communication%20Guide-web.pdf
15. Association of Family and Conciliation Courts. Making Your Parenting Plan Work. Revised 2003. https://www.afccnet.org/Resource-Center/Family-Resources/Making-your-Parenting-Plan-Work
16. Association of Family and Conciliation Courts. Understanding the Parenting Coordination Process. 2011. https://www.afccnet.org/Resource-Center/Family-Resources/Understanding-the-Parenting-Coordination-Process
17. Canadian Paediatric Society. Helping children cope with separation and divorce. Caring for Kids. 2018. https://caringforkids.cps.ca/handouts/mentalhealth/separation_and_divorce

This guide is general information for parents, not medical, psychological or legal advice. It draws on published research and guidance from recognised health and family justice bodies, listed under Sources. Every child and family is different. If you are worried about your child or yourself, talk to your family doctor or a qualified professional. FairWell can help you find one through the professional directory.