When your children are adults: telling grown children about divorce

When parents separate after a long marriage, people often assume the children, now grown, will take it in their stride. Many do not. An adult child may be grieving the family home and the family story, worrying about a parent who will now be alone, and dealing with the practical fallout for holidays, grandchildren and inheritance, all while being expected to cope because they are "not kids anymore."

This guide is for parents with children aged roughly 18 and over, from students still coming home for the holidays to adults with families of their own. If you also have younger children at home, see the guides for teenagers and planning the conversation. For the money, pension and property side of a later-life separation, see grey divorce: separating after 55.

A note on the evidence. There is far less research on adult children of later-life divorce than on younger children. The research summarised below is mostly about young adults whose parents divorced when they were children or teenagers. It is still useful, because the patterns it describes (lasting painful feelings alongside normal functioning, and the harm of feeling caught between parents) are likely to be relevant, but it is not direct evidence about adult children of grey divorce. Much of this guide is practical guidance rather than research findings, and it is labelled that way.

A note on safety. If there has been family violence, or you are afraid of your spouse, a joint conversation or shared family events may not be safe. Read separation and safety planning first. Press Shift+Esc to leave this site quickly.

What adult children may feel

Adult children may feel some mix of the following, sometimes all in the same week. None of them is wrong.

• Grief for the family as it was, the house they grew up in, and the future they pictured (both parents at a wedding, grandparents together at birthdays).
• Rewriting the past. "Was everything a lie? Were you unhappy my whole childhood?" A separation late in life can make an adult child question their own memories.
• Worry about a parent's health, finances or loneliness, especially a parent who did not want the separation.
• Anger, sometimes at one parent, sometimes at both, sometimes at being told so late or so early.
• Relief, if they grew up with tension or conflict. That can bring its own guilt.
• Practical worry about holidays, their own children, caring for ageing parents in two households, and money.

Research on young adults supports the idea that deep feelings and coping well can sit side by side. A US study of college students and young people from divorced families (Laumann-Billings and Emery, 2000) found that while "most children from divorced families function normally," many young adults still reported "painful feelings, beliefs, and memories" about the divorce, even when they had accepted it and had few symptoms. A review of risk and resilience research (Kelly and Emery, 2003) makes the same distinction between "lingering painful memories" and real problems.

In other words: your adult child can be fine and still be hurting. Both deserve respect.

Telling them

Tell them yourselves, and together if you can

Hearing the news second-hand, from a sibling, a relative or social media, adds a layer of hurt that is easy to avoid. If you can manage it calmly, tell them together, so they hear one account and see that you are both still their parents. If that is not possible, agree on what each of you will say and tell them separately, close in time.

Tell siblings close together

Telling one adult child weeks before the others makes that child the keeper of a secret. Plan the timing so every child hears within a day or two, by phone or video if they live far away, and in person where you can.

Give an honest outline, not the details

Justice Canada's guidance for parents is that "no matter what age your children are, they don't need to know the details about why the relationship ended." That still holds when your child is 35. They deserve the truth about what is happening, not a briefing on the marriage.

The second "avoid" deserves a word. Even if it is partly true, telling adult children you stayed for them hands them a weight they cannot put down.

Expect questions, now and later

Adult children may want time before they talk, or may want to talk for hours. Let them set the pace. Expect harder questions later, once the shock passes: "Was there someone else?" "Why now?" Answer honestly at the level of an outline, and say plainly when something is private.

Not your confidant, messenger or referee

The biggest risk with adult children is not that they are too young to understand. It is that they are old enough to be useful. They can listen at 2 a.m., give financial advice, carry messages, or take your side in the family group chat. Resist this, even when they offer.

A US study of 632 young adults (Amato and Afifi, 2006) found that feeling caught between parents was linked to lower wellbeing and poorer relationships with parents, and that children of high-conflict marriages were more likely to feel caught. The encouraging finding: feelings of being caught "appeared to fade in the decade following parental divorce." Keeping your children out of the middle gives that the best chance of happening.

Research on parents criticising each other points the same way. Studies of US young adults (Rowen and Emery, 2018) found that running down the other parent was linked to children feeling more distant from both parents, "particularly the more frequent denigrator." It tended to "boomerang and hurt the parent's own relationship with the children."

If your adult child has taken your side, do not encourage it. Let them have their own relationship with their other parent, even if it is complicated for a while.

Holidays, weddings and family events

For adult children, the separation often lands hardest at family occasions. Some practical guidance:

• Do not make them choose. Work out holiday plans between the two of you first, then offer your children options, rather than inviting them to pick a parent. Accept that their own family commitments now come into it too.
• Start new traditions rather than competing to recreate the old ones.
• At big events, be civil or take turns. Guidance for separated parents of younger children from the Ontario chapter of the Association of Family and Conciliation Courts suggests attending events such as graduations together if you can be civil, taking turns otherwise, and supporting the child to greet the other parent. The same principles suit a grown child's wedding or a grandchild's birthday. Talk to each other, not through your child, about how the day will work.
• Introduce new partners with care. The same guide suggests bringing new partners to shared events only once the relationship is stable, and with advance notice. A wedding is not the place for a first meeting.

Grandchildren

If you have grandchildren, they may have questions too. Let their parents (your children) decide what to tell them and how. Offer simple, consistent words if asked: "Grandma and Grandpa are going to live in two houses. We both love you, and you'll still see both of us." Never use grandchildren to carry messages or gather information. See grandparents and extended family after separation.

Money, inheritance and practical help

• Keep them out of the negotiation. The settlement is between the two of you. Do not ask adult children to value the house, review offers, or testify to who paid for what, unless a lawyer specifically asks for it.
• Deal with inheritance separately. If you want to leave assets to your children, put that in a new will, not the separation agreement. Our grey divorce guide covers this.
• Adult children still in school or living at home. Whether support or education costs for an adult child are part of your separation depends on where you live and on their circumstances. Ask a family lawyer, and keep your child out of any dispute about it.
• Accept practical help on the right terms. Help moving house is fine. Becoming a parent's full-time carer, banker or legal adviser is not a fair ask, especially for one child and not the others.

When an adult child is struggling

Your adult child is responsible for their own wellbeing, but you can still notice and offer. If they seem stuck in anger or sadness for months, are drinking more, withdrawing, or their own relationship or work is suffering, say so gently and suggest support: their doctor, a counsellor, or an employee assistance program if they have one. If they cut contact, keep the door open without pressure: a short, warm message on birthdays and holidays, with no guilt attached.

If an adult child is in crisis or talks about not wanting to be alive, take it seriously. In Canada they can call or text 9-8-8, and in the US call or text 988, any time. Help works.

And look after yourself. A later-life separation can be lonely in a particular way. Our wellbeing guide has practical starting points, and the professional directory lists family therapists, some of whom work with adult families together.

What to do this week

• Agree with your spouse on a short, shared account and when each child will hear it.
• Write down what you will say if asked "Was there someone else?" or "Did you stay for us?"
• Choose one person who is not your child (a friend, sibling or counsellor) to be your confidant.
• Check that no adult child is carrying messages or advising on the settlement.
• Look ahead to the next family occasion and talk to your spouse, not your child, about how it will work.

What the research says, and what it does not

• Painful feelings can last while life goes on. Young adults from divorced families often carry "painful feelings, beliefs, and memories" while functioning normally and accepting the divorce (Laumann-Billings and Emery, 2000, US college and community samples).
• Feeling caught harms, and it can fade. In 632 US young adults, feeling caught between parents was linked to lower wellbeing and poorer parent relationships, and tended to fade in the decade after divorce (Amato and Afifi, 2006).
• Criticising the other parent backfires. Young adults felt more distant from both parents when parents ran each other down, especially from the parent who did it more (Rowen and Emery, 2018, US).
• Conflict reaches children at every age, adulthood included. A 2016 review for the UK government by the Early Intervention Foundation found that "Children of all ages can be affected by destructive inter-parental conflict, with effects evidenced across infancy, childhood, adolescence, and adulthood." Being grown up does not switch off the effect of watching parents fight.
• Most people come through. Research on children of divorce describes "the resiliency demonstrated by the majority of children" (Kelly and Emery, 2003).
• What we do not know. The sources reviewed for this guide did not include research specifically on adult children whose parents separate later in life. The practical guidance here is drawn from professional guidance for separated families and from the young-adult research above, not from studies of grey divorce.

Your children are adults now, but you are still their parents, and the relationship each of you keeps with them is not settled by the separation. It is built in the ordinary contact of the months and years ahead: the phone calls, the birthdays handled well, the times you chose not to put them in the middle.

Sources

1. Laumann-Billings, L., and Emery, R. E. Distress among young adults from divorced families. Journal of Family Psychology, 14(4). 2000. https://doi.org/10.1037/0893-3200.14.4.671
2. Kelly, J. B., and Emery, R. E. Children's adjustment following divorce: Risk and resilience perspectives. Family Relations, 52(4). 2003. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3729.2003.00352.x
3. Amato, P. R., and Afifi, T. D. Feeling caught between parents: Adult children's relations with parents and subjective well-being. Journal of Marriage and Family, 68(1). 2006. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2006.00243.x
4. Rowen, J., and Emery, R. E. Parental denigration: A form of conflict that typically backfires. Family Court Review, 56(2). 2018. https://doi.org/10.1111/fcre.12339
5. Department of Justice Canada. Making plans: A guide to parenting arrangements after separation or divorce, Section 2: What your children may be feeling. 2025. https://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/mp-fdp/p3.html
6. AFCC-Ontario. Parenting Plan Guide. 2020. https://www.afccnet.org/Portals/0/PDF/AFCC-O-Parenting-Plan-Guide%20(Jan%202020)1.pdf
7. Harold, G., Acquah, D., Sellers, R., Chowdry, H., and Feinstein, L. What works to enhance inter-parental relationships and improve outcomes for children. Early Intervention Foundation. 2016. https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/what-works-to-enhance-inter-parental-relationships-and-improve-outcomes-for-children
8. 9-8-8 Suicide Crisis Helpline. 9-8-8 (home page). Undated. https://988.ca/
9. 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. 988 Lifeline (home page). Undated. https://988lifeline.org/

This guide is general information for parents, not medical, psychological or legal advice. It draws on published research and guidance from recognised health and family justice bodies, listed under Sources. Every child and family is different. If you are worried about your child or yourself, talk to your family doctor or a qualified professional. FairWell can help you find one through the professional directory.