Talking to teenagers (13 to 17) about separation

Teenagers often see more than their parents realise, and they have their own views about it. Some go quiet and spend more time in their room or with friends. Some are furious, and say so. Some seem relieved. Many swing between all three. They are old enough to understand the situation and to judge it, and still young enough to need you to be the adult.

This guide covers what teenagers commonly feel, how honest to be, how to respect their privacy and their say, how to keep them out of the middle, and how to spot when a teenager needs more help. For the legal side of teenagers' views on the parenting schedule, see teenagers and parenting plans.

A note on safety. If there has been family violence, or you are afraid of the other parent, joint conversations and co-parenting arrangements may not be safe. Read separation and safety planning first. Press Shift+Esc to leave this site quickly.

What teenagers commonly feel

Justice Canada's guidance on young people aged 13 to 19 describes several common reactions:

• Anger that their parents "couldn't try harder."
• Worry about their own relationships, and whether they will repeat what they have seen.
• Concrete worries about money, schedules, school and friends.

Signs it lists to watch for include anger, avoidance, shame, sadness or depression, changes in sleep, "acting out through sex, crime, drugs", and changes at school. Most of these are understandable responses to a hard change. Some, if they last or deepen, are signs a teenager needs help, covered below.

How honest to be

Teenagers can tell when they are being handled, and they resent it. They deserve more honesty than a younger child. But Justice Canada's guidance still applies: "no matter what age your children are, they don't need to know the details about why the relationship ended." The adult details (affairs, money fights, sexual issues, the content of your arguments) stay between the adults.

"Whose fault is it?"

If they already know something adult

Teenagers sometimes find out about an affair, a new partner or a money problem before they are told. Do not deny what is true, and do not add detail or commentary.

Privacy and space

• Let them choose the moment. Some teenagers talk more easily side by side than face to face: in the car, walking the dog, cooking. Offer, then leave the door open. "I'm around if you want to talk. No pressure."
• Let them decide who to tell. "It's your news to share with your friends, as much or as little as you like."
• Respect their phone and messages. Do not read them for information about the other parent or for what they think of you. Do not message the other parent through them.
• Keep the separation off social media. Teenagers are often connected to your accounts and to their friends' parents. See social media during separation.

Privacy is not the same as absence. Stay interested in their life (school, friends, what they are watching) in ordinary ways. Normal parenting is reassuring in itself.

Their own relationships

A teenager watching their parents' relationship end may be quietly asking what it means for their own. Name it gently, once, and leave it open.

Their say in the schedule

Teenagers have full lives: school, sport, jobs, friends, relationships. A schedule that ignores that will not last. Justice Canada advises listening to teenagers' views on schedules, and to "remind them, however, that the parents will make the decisions." That protects them from being the person who chose.

Ask about logistics, not loyalty. Never ask a teenager which parent they prefer, and never report back to the other parent that "she said she'd rather be here."

Keeping them out of the middle

Teenagers are capable enough to be pulled into adult roles, which is exactly the risk. Three to avoid:

• Messenger. The Canadian Paediatric Society: "Communicate directly with the other parent, and don't expect children to act as messengers."
• Spy. Children "shouldn't be expected to give you information about the other parent's activities, friends or income" (Canadian Paediatric Society).
• Confidant or co-parent. The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry notes that some parents "turn to the child for comfort or direction. This can add to the pressure." The American Academy of Pediatrics' parent site warns against making a child your emotional support or "the man of the house."

Be careful, too, about relying on an older teenager for childcare or running the household. Help is fine; becoming the replacement parent is not. See keeping children out of the middle.

Risk-taking

Justice Canada's guidance asks parents to "be alert for self-harming activities, including drug and alcohol use," and lists acting out through sex, crime or drugs among signs to watch for in teenagers. A teenager moving between two homes can also find gaps: each parent assuming the other knows where they are.

• Agree the basics across both homes if you can: curfew, where they are and who with, driving, parties, alcohol. The American Academy of Pediatrics' parent site notes that children do better with consistent rules across homes, and that "consistent parental discipline has been shown to be important."
• Tell each other about safety issues directly and factually, without blame: "He came home after midnight on Saturday and wouldn't say where he'd been. Letting you know so we're on the same page."
• Talk plainly about alcohol, drugs, sex and consent, as you would anyway. A family change is not a reason to stop parenting.

Knowing when a teenager needs help

Most teenagers come through their parents' separation without lasting problems. It is still worth knowing the signs that a teenager is struggling, as at any stressful time.

The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry says occasional sadness is a normal part of growing up, and that concern is warranted if a teen is sad or irritable, or no longer enjoys things, "day after day". Warning signs from AACAP, the American Academy of Pediatrics and the US National Institute of Mental Health include:

• pulling away from friends, family and activities they used to enjoy;
• sleeping much more or much less, or big changes in eating;
• a drop in schoolwork, or refusing to go to school;
• using more alcohol or drugs;
• talking about feeling hopeless, trapped, like a burden, or having no reason to live;
• talking about death or wanting to die;
• giving away important possessions or saying goodbye.

The National Institute of Mental Health advises getting help as soon as possible, "particularly if the behavior is new or has increased recently."

If you are worried, ask directly

It is frightening to ask a teenager whether they are thinking about suicide. Ask anyway. AACAP explains that "Rather than putting thoughts in your child's head, these questions can provide assurance that somebody cares."

If the answer is yes, or you are not sure, stay calm and stay with them. AACAP advises that any young person with suicidal thoughts or plans "should be evaluated immediately by a trained and qualified mental health professional." Call or text 9-8-8 in Canada, or 988 in the US, or Kids Help Phone in Canada. If they are in immediate danger, call 911. Limit access to lethal means in your home; a crisis line or your doctor can talk you through how. AACAP is clear: "Depression and suicidal feelings are treatable mental disorders." Help works: support and treatment work for most people who have thoughts about suicide. Read warning signs of self-harm and suicidal thoughts for more.

What to do tonight

• Offer one low-pressure chance to talk, side by side, and accept a no.
• Check that your teen has a way to reach the other parent privately.
• Message the other parent about one safety basic you could agree on (curfew, driving, or how you will share where your teen is).
• Take back any adult job your teenager has picked up.
• Notice their sleep, mood and appetite over the next few weeks, without hovering.

When to get more help

Talk to your doctor, the school counsellor or a youth mental health service if low mood, anger, withdrawal, school problems or risk-taking last for weeks or are getting worse. Teenagers in Canada can also contact Kids Help Phone themselves, any time. If your teen will not see anyone, getting support for yourself as a parent is still worthwhile. The professional directory lists therapists who work with adolescents and families.

What the research says

• Feeling caught is the pathway to harm. In a study of 522 Californian young people aged 10 to 18, interviewed four and a half years after their parents separated (Buchanan, Maccoby and Dornbusch, 1991), conflict between parents affected adjustment mainly through how caught in the middle teenagers felt. Teens living in two homes were "especially likely to feel caught when parents were in high conflict, and especially unlikely to feel caught when parents cooperated."
• Feeling caught often fades. In a US study of 632 young adults (Amato and Afifi, 2006), feeling caught between parents was linked to lower wellbeing and poorer relationships with parents, and tended to fade in the decade after divorce.
• Most teens cope, and some need help. In one US sample of 12 to 16 year olds from 1993, summarised in a 2002 review for Justice Canada, teens from divorced families were about twice as likely to receive psychological help (21 percent versus 11 percent), and 79 percent coped without it.
• Parenting programs can change outcomes. In a randomised trial of the New Beginnings Program (Wolchik and colleagues, 2002), six years later 11 percent of teenagers in the mother-plus-child program had a diagnosed mental disorder in the past year, compared with 23.5 percent in the comparison group. The trial included mothers only, in one US city.
• Teenagers notice repair. A 2016 UK review by the Early Intervention Foundation found adolescents are better than younger children at noticing when a conflict has been resolved. Visible, calm cooperation between parents registers with them.

Your teenager may not thank you for any of this for years. That is fine. Steady honesty, a door left open and a parent who stays the adult are things teenagers notice, even when they roll their eyes.

Sources

1. Department of Justice Canada. How children react at different ages and stages. 2024. https://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/hcrdas-refasd.html
2. Department of Justice Canada. Making plans: A guide to parenting arrangements after separation or divorce, Section 2: What your children may be feeling. 2025. https://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/mp-fdp/p3.html
3. Canadian Paediatric Society. Helping children cope with separation and divorce (Caring for Kids). 2018. https://caringforkids.cps.ca/handouts/mentalhealth/separation_and_divorce
4. American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. Children and Divorce (Facts for Families No. 1). Updated 2026. https://www.aacap.org/AACAP/Families_and_Youth/Facts_for_Families/FFF-Guide/Children-and-Divorce-001.aspx
5. American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. Depression in Children and Teens (Facts for Families No. 4). Updated 2018. https://www.aacap.org/AACAP/Families_and_Youth/Facts_for_Families/FFF-Guide/The-Depressed-Child-004.aspx
6. American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. Suicide in Children and Teens (Facts for Families No. 10). Updated 2024. https://www.aacap.org/AACAP/Families_and_Youth/Facts_for_Families/FFF-Guide/Teen-Suicide-010.aspx
7. American Academy of Pediatrics. Risk Factors, Protective Factors, Warning Signs of Youth Suicide (Blueprint for Youth Suicide Prevention). Undated. https://www.aap.org/en/patient-care/blueprint-for-youth-suicide-prevention/risk-factors-protective-factors-warning-signs-of-youth-suicide/
8. National Institute of Mental Health. Warning Signs of Suicide. 2025. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/warning-signs-of-suicide
9. American Academy of Pediatrics, HealthyChildren.org. How to Support Children after Their Parents Separate or Divorce. 2020. https://www.healthychildren.org/English/healthy-living/emotional-wellness/Building-Resilience/Pages/How-to-Support-Children-after-Parents-Separate-or-Divorce.aspx
10. Salek, E. C., and Ginsburg, K. R. Traps Divorced or Separating Parents Should Avoid. HealthyChildren.org, American Academy of Pediatrics. 2014. https://www.healthychildren.org/English/healthy-living/emotional-wellness/Building-Resilience/Pages/Traps-Divorced-or-Separating-Parents-Should-Avoid.aspx
11. Buchanan, C. M., Maccoby, E. E., and Dornbusch, S. M. Caught between parents: Adolescents' experience in divorced homes. Child Development, 62(5). 1991. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-8624.1991.tb01586.x
12. Amato, P. R., and Afifi, T. D. Feeling caught between parents: Adult children's relations with parents and subjective well-being. Journal of Marriage and Family, 68(1). 2006. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2006.00243.x
13. Bernardini, S. C., and Jenkins, J. M. An Overview of the Risks and Protectors for Children of Separation and Divorce. Department of Justice Canada. 2002. https://justice.gc.ca/eng/rp-pr/fl-lf/divorce/2002_2/p2.html
14. Wolchik, S. A., Sandler, I. N., Millsap, R. E., et al. Six-year follow-up of preventive interventions for children of divorce: A randomized controlled trial. JAMA, 288(15). 2002. https://doi.org/10.1001/jama.288.15.1874
15. Harold, G., Acquah, D., Sellers, R., Chowdry, H., and Feinstein, L. What works to enhance inter-parental relationships and improve outcomes for children. Early Intervention Foundation. 2016. https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/what-works-to-enhance-inter-parental-relationships-and-improve-outcomes-for-children
16. Kids Help Phone. Kids Help Phone (home page). Undated. https://kidshelpphone.ca/
17. SAVE and partners. Best Practices and Recommendations for Reporting on Suicide. Undated. https://reportingonsuicide.org/

This guide is general information for parents, not medical, psychological or legal advice. It draws on published research and guidance from recognised health and family justice bodies, listed under Sources. Every child and family is different. If you are worried about your child or yourself, talk to your family doctor or a qualified professional. FairWell can help you find one through the professional directory.