Men's mental health after separation: why men wait and how to get help

If you are a man going through a separation, you may not be sleeping properly, you may be working harder or drinking more, and you may have told almost nobody how bad it is. You might not call it depression. You might call it being tired, angry, or just getting on with it.

This guide is about why so many men wait before getting help, and about ways in that work for men who would rather not sit and "talk about feelings". It is not a contest over whose pain is worse. Separation is hard on mothers and fathers alike, and our guide to mothers carrying the load covers a different side of it. This one is for men, and for the people who care about them.

If you are struggling right now. In Canada, call or text 9-8-8 at any time, day or night. In the US, call, text or chat 988, or text HOME to 741741 to reach Crisis Text Line. If you or someone else is in immediate danger, call 911. These services are free and confidential, and you do not need to be at breaking point to use them.

What it can look like in men

The US National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) puts it plainly: "Women are diagnosed with depression more often than men, but men can also be depressed. Because men may be less likely to recognize, talk about, and seek help for their negative feelings, they are at greater risk of their depression symptoms being undiagnosed and undertreated."

NIMH also notes that men "may show symptoms other than sadness, instead seeming angry or irritable", and that men are more likely to use alcohol or drugs as a coping strategy. So the signs to watch for in yourself are often not tears. They are things like:

• A shorter fuse: snapping at the kids, at work, at the car in front of you.
• Waking at 4 a.m. and not getting back to sleep, or sleeping far more than usual.
• Drinking more, or drinking earlier, to switch off.
• Headaches, stomach trouble or aches with no clear cause.
• Losing interest in things you used to enjoy, including things you used to do with your children.
• Pulling away from friends and family, cancelling plans, going quiet.
• Feeling flat, empty, guilty or like a failure.
• Throwing yourself into work, the gym or a project so you never have to stop.

Clinically, depression is diagnosed when symptoms are present most of the day, nearly every day, for at least two weeks. You do not need to meet that bar to ask for help. If several of these are true for you and they are not easing, that is reason enough.

Why men wait

Researchers have spent a long time on this question. A 2003 paper by Michael Addis and James Mahalik in American Psychologist argued that men's help-seeking is shaped by context: by how boys and men learn what it means to be a man, and by the situations in which help is offered. Their point was hopeful. If the context shapes the behaviour, the context can be changed to make help easier to reach.

A 2016 systematic review of 37 studies, led by Zac Seidler, found that conforming to traditional masculine norms affected depressed men in three ways: how their symptoms showed up and were expressed, their attitudes to help and whether they actually sought it, and how they managed their symptoms. The authors concluded that tailoring services to men may increase how many men use them.

In practice, the thoughts that keep men from getting help tend to sound like this:

• "I should be able to handle this myself." You are handling it. Getting help is part of handling it, in the same way you would see a physiotherapist for a bad knee.
• "Talking won't change anything." Many effective treatments are practical and skills-based.
• "It will be used against me in the parenting case." This worry is common. Our guide to finding a therapist for separation has a section on therapy and your legal case. If this is what is stopping you, ask your lawyer directly.

What separation can take away

A Statistics Canada study of Canadians aged 20 to 64, using national survey data from 1994/95 to 2004/05, found that "Men aged 20 to 64 who had divorced or separated were six times more likely to report an episode of depression than were men who remained married." Women who went through a break-up were 3.5 times more likely to report depression than women who stayed in a relationship. Each group was compared with its own partnered counterparts, so these figures are not a ranking of who suffers more. Both are large.

The same study found that 19% of men and 15% of women whose relationship had ended reported a drop in social support, compared with 6% and 5% of people still with their partner. HeadsUpGuys, a men's mental health program at the University of British Columbia, describes why this hits some men hard: "For some guys, his partner (and kids) are the main social connections he has, so separating can also mean losing your main source of support."

There is good news in that study too. Statistics Canada reported that "most people who experienced depression in the post-relationship period were no longer depressed four years after the break-up. But for a sizeable minority, depression remained a problem." Getting help early is how you improve the odds of being in the majority, and of getting there sooner than four years.

A word about suicide

Some men going through separation have thoughts of not wanting to be here. If that is you, those thoughts are a sign that you need support now. They are not a weakness, and they are not a prediction. Help works. NIMH states that "Effective, evidence-based programs and treatment options can help prevent suicide."

There is no single cause of suicide. A 2016 review of 19 studies from Western countries, by Rhiannon Evans and colleagues, looked at whether men or women face more risk after a relationship ends. Twelve studies pointed to greater risk in men, two to greater risk in women, and five found no clear difference. The authors concluded that "no definitive conclusion about gender differential can be drawn." What this tells us is that separation can be one of several pressures in a man's life, alongside things like depression, drinking, money worries and isolation. Most people facing hard times, including separation, find support, treatment or other ways to cope.

It is OK to talk about this. Talking openly about suicide does not put the idea in anyone's head, and saying it out loud to someone trained to listen is often the first thing that helps. Call or text 9-8-8 in Canada, or call, text or chat 988 in the US, if you notice any of these in yourself:

• Thinking or talking about wanting to die, or about being a burden.
• Feeling trapped, hopeless, or in pain that feels unbearable.
• Pulling away from everyone, saying goodbye, or giving away things that matter to you.
• Drinking or using more, or taking risks you would not normally take.

You matter, and you do not have to carry this alone. Someone is ready to listen tonight, whenever you call or text.

Ways in that work for men

1. Start with your body

NIMH notes that many men "are more likely to see a health care provider about these physical symptoms than their emotional ones." Use that door. Book a physical with your doctor and tell them about your sleep, energy, appetite, drinking and mood, not only the headaches. HeadsUpGuys points out that often it was a partner who pushed a man to get things checked. Now that job is yours. Put it in your calendar.

2. Do a private self-check

HeadsUpGuys offers free self-check tools, including checks for depression, anger and loneliness, plus self-guided courses and recovery stories from other men. Its content is drawn from research and clinical experience. A self-check is not a diagnosis, but it can tell you whether it is time to book an appointment, and it gives you something concrete to show your doctor.

3. Pick a practical, structured therapy

If "therapy" makes you picture years on a couch, the reality is different. Canada's 2023 depression treatment guidelines (CANMAT) name cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), interpersonal therapy (IPT) and behavioural activation as first-line psychological treatments. These are structured and goal-focused, usually with work between sessions. CBT works in person, in groups, by telephone and in digital formats. A typical full course is 12 to 16 sessions. The UK's NICE guideline notes that IPT may be especially helpful when depression is tied to "adjusting to transitions in relationships, loss, or changing interpersonal roles", which describes separation closely. The Canadian guidelines also report that psychotherapy is similarly effective regardless of sex, age, education or culture.

For moderate depression, a 2020 international analysis of 101 trials found therapy plus medication worked better than either alone. Antidepressants usually take 4 to 8 weeks to work (NIMH); talk to your provider before starting or stopping any medication.

4. Move, on a schedule

For men who would rather do something than talk about something, exercise counts as treatment. The Canadian guidelines recommend supervised exercise of low to moderate intensity, 30 to 40 minutes at a time, three to four times a week, for at least nine weeks, as a first-line treatment for mild depression and as an add-on for moderate depression. Book it like a meeting.

5. Tell one person the truth

Not everyone. One person: a brother, an old friend, a colleague who has been through it.

6. Watch the drink and the anger

HeadsUpGuys is blunt: "Self-medicating with drugs or alcohol is never a good idea, it will only create bigger problems down the road." Our guide to alcohol and coping that backfires has practical steps. For anger, HeadsUpGuys suggests a breathing "circuit-breaker": breathe in for a count of one, two, pause, breathe out for a count of three, four, five, pause, and repeat until the surge passes. It also warns, "Don't continue to fight with an ex, especially when children are involved." Our guide to anger and resentment after separation goes further.

Your children, and why your recovery matters to them

Studies of mothers treated for depression with medication (a US study published in 2006) and with talking therapy (a 2015 review of nine trials) found that when the parent's depression improved, children's symptoms tended to improve too. These studies looked at mothers. Fathers have been studied far less, so we cannot quote the same figures for dads, but nothing in this research suggests a father's recovery matters less to his children.

On your parenting time, aim for steady rather than impressive: regular meals, bedtime, one thing you do together. Children do not need to know the details of how you feel, and they should never become your support person. A short, honest line is enough.

If there has been family violence, shared communication, joint arrangements and face-to-face handovers may not be safe. Your safety and your children's safety come first. See our guide to safety planning during separation. Press Shift+Esc to leave this site quickly.

If you are worried about a man in your life

If you are a friend, brother, parent or co-worker, you do not need the right words. You need to ask, and then listen. Movember has practical guidance on spotting the signs, starting a conversation with a mate, and "What to say, what not to say, and what to do when someone opens up about suicide." If you are worried about his safety, it is OK to ask directly whether he is thinking about suicide. Asking does not plant the idea. If the answer is yes, stay with him and call or text 9-8-8 or 988 together.

If you want to talk to someone who works with men through separation, the FairWell directory lists verified therapists by region. Our guide to affordable mental health care in Canada and the US covers free and low-cost options.

Sources

1. National Institute of Mental Health. Depression. Undated publication page. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/depression
2. National Institute of Mental Health. Suicide Prevention. Undated topic page. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/suicide-prevention
3. National Institute of Mental Health. Warning Signs of Suicide. 2025. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/warning-signs-of-suicide
4. Addis ME, Mahalik JR. Men, masculinity, and the contexts of help seeking. American Psychologist. 2003. https://doi.org/10.1037/0003-066x.58.1.5
5. Seidler ZE, Dawes AJ, Rice SM, Oliffe JL, Dhillon HM. The role of masculinity in men's help-seeking for depression: A systematic review. Clinical Psychology Review. 2016. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2016.09.002
6. Statistics Canada. Study: Marital breakdown and subsequent depression. The Daily, 22 May 2007. https://www150.statcan.gc.ca/n1/daily-quotidien/070522/dq070522a-eng.htm
7. Evans R, Scourfield J, Moore G. Gender, Relationship Breakdown, and Suicide Risk: A Review of Research in Western Countries. Journal of Family Issues. 2016. https://doi.org/10.1177/0192513X14562608
8. 9-8-8 Suicide Crisis Helpline. Suicide-safe language and Media guidelines. Undated. https://988.ca/understanding-suicide/suicide-safe-language
9. National Action Alliance for Suicide Prevention. Framework for Successful Messaging. Undated. https://suicidepreventionmessaging.org/
10. Lam RW, Kennedy SH, Adams C, et al. CANMAT 2023 Update on Clinical Guidelines for Management of Major Depressive Disorder in Adults. Canadian Journal of Psychiatry. 2024. https://doi.org/10.1177/07067437241245384
11. National Institute for Health and Care Excellence. Depression in adults: treatment and management (NG222). 2022. https://www.nice.org.uk/guidance/ng222/chapter/Recommendations
12. Cuijpers P, Noma H, Karyotaki E, et al. A network meta-analysis of the effects of psychotherapies, pharmacotherapies and their combination in the treatment of adult depression. World Psychiatry. 2020. https://doi.org/10.1002/wps.20701
13. Weissman MM, Pilowsky DJ, Wickramaratne PJ, et al. Remissions in maternal depression and child psychopathology: a STAR*D-child report. JAMA. 2006. https://doi.org/10.1001/jama.295.12.1389
14. Cuijpers P, Weitz E, Karyotaki E, Garber J, Andersson G. The effects of psychological treatment of maternal depression on children and parental functioning: a meta-analysis. European Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. 2015. https://doi.org/10.1007/s00787-014-0660-6
15. HeadsUpGuys (University of British Columbia). Getting Through Depression after a Divorce, Separation, or Tough Breakup. Undated. https://headsupguys.org/depression-divorce-separation-breakup/
16. HeadsUpGuys. Using a Circuit-Breaker for Anger and Mental health screening tools. Undated. https://headsupguys.org/using-a-circuit-breaker-for-anger/
17. Movember. Mental fitness. Undated. https://movember.com/mental-fitness
18. 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. Undated. https://988lifeline.org/; 9-8-8 Suicide Crisis Helpline. https://988.ca/; Crisis Text Line. https://www.crisistextline.org/

This guide is general information for parents, not medical, psychological or legal advice. It draws on published research and guidance from recognised health and family justice bodies, listed under Sources. Every child and family is different. If you are worried about your child or yourself, talk to your family doctor or a qualified professional. FairWell can help you find one through the professional directory.