Mothers carrying the load: burnout, guilt and asking for help

You may be the one who knows where the permission slip is, who books the dentist, who sits up with the sick child at 2 a.m., and who now does all of it alone for half the week or all of it. "Tired" stopped covering it some time ago. Underneath the tiredness there is often guilt: about the separation, about being short-tempered, about not being the parent you meant to be.

This guide is about that load, and what helps. It is written with mothers in mind, because after separation mothers more often become the main or only parent. In the US in 2020, 21% of children under 18 lived with their mother only and 4.5% with their father only, according to the US Census Bureau (a measure of where children were living when surveyed, which undercounts shared care). In Canada's 2021 Census, more than one in five children in one-parent families lived with their father. Burnout does not care about gender. Fathers carrying the main load will recognise everything here, and our guide to men's mental health after separation covers the ways it can look different in men.

Burnout is not the same as being tired

Researchers Moïra Mikolajczak, James Gross and Isabelle Roskam describe parental burnout as "an overwhelming exhaustion related to one's parental role, an emotional distancing from one's children, and a sense of parental ineffectiveness." It develops "when parents lack the resources needed to handle stressors related to parenting."

That second sentence is the important one. Burnout is an imbalance between what is being asked of you and what you have to meet it with. It is not a flaw in your character, and it is not a sign that you love your children less.

Some signs it may be more than ordinary tiredness:

• You wake up already drained by the thought of the day's parenting, before anything has happened.
• You go through the motions with your children: fed, bathed, in bed, but you feel far away from them.
• You feel you are no longer any good at this, and you notice a gap between the parent you were and the parent you are now.
• Small things (a spilled drink, a lost shoe) set off a reaction out of all proportion.
• You fantasise about getting in the car and driving away, just for the quiet.

This is not a diagnostic test. It is a prompt to take the load seriously, and to be as gentle with yourself as you would be with a friend who described it.

Why it matters to treat it early

In two studies that followed 918 and 822 parents over a year, Mikolajczak and colleagues (2019) found that parental burnout strongly increased thoughts of escaping, and neglectful and violent behaviour toward children. An earlier study of 1,551 parents by the same Belgium-based team (2018) linked burnout to thoughts of escape and suicidal thoughts, to sleep problems and addictions, and to neglect and violence toward children.

That can be hard to read. The reason to know it is not to frighten you. It is that burnout is a health problem with real consequences, and it deserves the same early attention you would give a physical illness. Because it comes from demands outstripping resources, it is something you can act on: by cutting demands, adding support and getting care for yourself.

If you have had thoughts of escaping for good, or that your children would be better off without you, those thoughts are a sign of depletion that needs care now. They are not a judgement on you as a mother. Call or text 9-8-8 in Canada, or call, text or chat 988 in the US, at any time. If you are afraid you might hurt your child, put your child somewhere safe, step into another room and call one of those lines or your doctor. Asking for help at that moment is protecting your child.

What separation adds to the load

A Statistics Canada study of Canadians aged 20 to 64 (data from 1994 to 2005) found that "43% of women who went through a break-up had a substantial drop in their household income, compared with 15% of men." Women who had been through a break-up were 3.5 times more likely to report depression than women still in a relationship, and men who had separated were six times more likely than married men. Each figure compares people with their own partnered group, so neither is "worse". Both tell you that separation is a health event for parents of both sexes.

A 42-country study of 17,409 parents (Roskam and colleagues, 2021) found something worth knowing: parental burnout was more common in individualistic cultures, including Western countries, and individualism mattered more than the number or age of children or the hours spent with them. The authors suggest that Western cultural values may put parents under heightened stress. In plain terms, the expectation that a good parent copes alone is part of the problem. Asking for help is not a failure of parenting. It is part of the job.

Guilt: what to keep and what to put down

Guilt after separation tends to come in a few forms: guilt for the separation itself, for working, for being snappy, for enjoying the days the children are away, for not doing crafts and home-cooked dinners. Some guilt is useful. It points to something specific you can put right, like an apology you owe your daughter for shouting. Most of the rest is the guilt of being one person trying to do the work of two, and it has nothing to teach you.

Two ideas help here. The first is "good enough" parenting: children do not need a parent who never gets it wrong, they need a parent who notices and repairs. Our guide to being the parent your child needs when you are not okay sets out the evidence. The second is self-compassion. A US study of 109 divorcing adults (Sbarra and colleagues, 2012) found that people who spoke about their separation with more self-compassion had less divorce-related distress intruding on their daily lives, an effect that lasted up to nine months. Our guide to self-compassion during separation includes a short daily practice.

Asking for help: the practical part

If burnout comes from demands outstripping resources, the answer has two sides: fewer demands, more resources. Trying harder does not appear on either side.

1. Write down the load

For one week, list every recurring task: school runs, lunches, laundry, forms, appointments, bills, homework, bedtime. Seeing it on paper makes it real, to you and to anyone you ask for help.

2. Drop, lower, share or buy

Go through the list and mark each item. Drop: does it need doing at all this season? Lower: can it be done to a simpler standard (sandwiches for dinner twice a week, uniforms worn twice)? Share: can someone else do it? Buy: is there an affordable service that saves you hours?

3. Ask for specific help

"Let me know if you need anything" is kind, but it puts the work back on you. Specific requests are easier to say yes to.

With the other parent, keep requests short, practical and about the children. Our guide to business-like co-parenting has more on tone.

If there has been family violence, shared communication, joint arrangements and face-to-face handovers may not be safe. Your safety and your children's safety come first. See our guide to safety planning during separation. Press Shift+Esc to leave this site quickly.

4. Trade with other parents

Other separated parents at school or in your neighbourhood are often in the same position. A regular swap (you take both families' children on Tuesday, they take them on Thursday) creates time without costing money.

5. Tell your workplace what you need

You do not have to share everything, but a manager who knows you are going through a separation is better placed to help with flexibility. Our guide to telling family, friends and your employer has wording. Ask too whether you have an employee assistance program; many offer free, confidential counselling.

6. Protect one thing that refills you

Not a spa day. Something small and regular: a walk alone, a phone call with a friend, twenty minutes with a book after bedtime. Guard it the way you would guard a child's appointment.

When it is more than burnout

Burnout and depression overlap, and one can lead to the other. NIMH lists signs of depression that include a persistent sad, anxious or empty mood, hopelessness, guilt or worthlessness, loss of interest, fatigue, trouble concentrating, and changes in sleep and appetite. If several of these are present most of the day, nearly every day, for two weeks or more, see your doctor. Our guide to depression after separation covers what treatment involves.

Getting treatment helps your children too. Studies of mothers treated for depression with medication (a US study published in 2006) and with talking therapy (a 2015 review of nine trials) found that when the mother's depression improved, children's symptoms tended to improve as well. And a large review of 193 studies (Goodman and colleagues, 2011) found that the links between a mother's depression and her children's difficulties were real but "small in magnitude." Your struggle raises risk for your children. It does not decide their future.

If money is the barrier, our guide to affordable mental health care in Canada and the US lists free and low-cost programs, and the FairWell directory lists verified therapists by region. If you are separating while pregnant or with a newborn, see our guide for that situation.

What the research says, in short

• Parental burnout is exhaustion in the parenting role, emotional distance from children and a sense of ineffectiveness, driven by a lack of resources to meet parenting demands (Mikolajczak, Gross and Roskam, 2019).
• Burnout increases thoughts of escape and the risk of neglectful or violent behaviour toward children, which is why it deserves early care (Mikolajczak and colleagues, 2018 and 2019, a Belgium-based research team).
• Burnout is more common in individualistic cultures, which points to expectations and lack of shared support, not personal weakness (Roskam and colleagues, 2021; 71% of the sample were mothers).
• In Canada, women had a much larger drop in household income after a break-up than men (Statistics Canada, 2007, ages 20 to 64, 1994 to 2005).
• When a mother's depression is treated and improves, her children tend to improve too (Weissman and colleagues, 2006; Cuijpers and colleagues, 2015).

Sources

1. Mikolajczak M, Gross JJ, Roskam I. Parental Burnout: What Is It, and Why Does It Matter? Clinical Psychological Science. 2019. https://doi.org/10.1177/2167702619858430
2. Mikolajczak M, Brianda ME, Avalosse H, Roskam I. Consequences of parental burnout: Its specific effect on child neglect and violence. Child Abuse and Neglect. 2018. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chiabu.2018.03.025
3. Roskam I, Aguiar J, Akgun E, et al. Parental Burnout Around the Globe: a 42-Country Study. Affective Science. 2021. https://doi.org/10.1007/s42761-020-00028-4
4. Statistics Canada. Study: Marital breakdown and subsequent depression. The Daily, 22 May 2007. https://www150.statcan.gc.ca/n1/daily-quotidien/070522/dq070522a-eng.htm
5. Hemez P, Washington C. Percentage and number of children living with two parents has dropped since 1968. US Census Bureau. 2021. https://www.census.gov/library/stories/2021/04/number-of-children-living-only-with-their-mothers-has-doubled-in-past-50-years.html
6. Statistics Canada. 2021 Census of Population: families, households and marital status. The Daily, 13 July 2022. https://www150.statcan.gc.ca/n1/daily-quotidien/220713/dq220713a-eng.htm
7. Sbarra DA, Smith HL, Mehl MR. When leaving your ex, love yourself: observational ratings of self-compassion predict the course of emotional recovery following marital separation. Psychological Science. 2012. https://doi.org/10.1177/0956797611429466
8. National Institute of Mental Health. Depression. Undated publication page. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/depression
9. Weissman MM, Pilowsky DJ, Wickramaratne PJ, et al. Remissions in maternal depression and child psychopathology: a STAR*D-child report. JAMA. 2006. https://doi.org/10.1001/jama.295.12.1389
10. Cuijpers P, Weitz E, Karyotaki E, Garber J, Andersson G. The effects of psychological treatment of maternal depression on children and parental functioning: a meta-analysis. European Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. 2015. https://doi.org/10.1007/s00787-014-0660-6
11. Goodman SH, Rouse MH, Connell AM, Broth MR, Hall CM, Heyward D. Maternal depression and child psychopathology: a meta-analytic review. Clinical Child and Family Psychology Review. 2011. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10567-010-0080-1

This guide is general information for parents, not medical, psychological or legal advice. It draws on published research and guidance from recognised health and family justice bodies, listed under Sources. Every child and family is different. If you are worried about your child or yourself, talk to your family doctor or a qualified professional. FairWell can help you find one through the professional directory.