Is it my fault? The questions children ask, with honest answers by age

Children rarely ask the big questions at a convenient time: in the car, the bath, at bedtime, or at the school gate. A small voice asks "Is it my fault?" and for a moment you cannot breathe. You do not need a perfect answer. You need a true one, said calmly, and the patience to say it again next week.

This guide gives honest answers to the questions children most often ask, adjusted for three age bands: under 6, 6 to 12, and teenagers.

For the first conversation itself, see how to tell your children you are separating. Each age has its own guide too, from preschoolers to teenagers.

A note on safety. This guide suggests agreeing answers with the other parent. If there has been family violence, or you are afraid of the other parent, that may not be safe. Read separation and safety planning first. Press Shift+Esc to leave this site quickly.

Five rules for any answer

1. Make it true. Justice Canada's guidance for parents includes a simple test: "If a statement on this list isn't true in your case, don't say it." Children remember promises, and a broken one costs more than a hard truth.
2. Answer what was asked. The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry (AACAP) advises: "Keep things simple and straight-forward and don't share more information than your child is asking for."
3. Keep adult details private, at every age. Justice Canada: "no matter what age your children are, they don't need to know the details about why the relationship ended."
4. Give the same answer in both homes. Agree the main answers with the other parent and tell each other what the children ask.
5. Find out what they are really asking. "What made you think about that?" often reveals a worry you would never have guessed.

And expect repetition. Justice Canada notes that telling children "will not be a one-time conversation." A child who asks again is not telling you that your answer failed. They are checking that it still holds.

"Is it my fault?"

What is behind it: children of all ages can believe they caused the separation. AACAP notes that "Children often believe they have caused the conflict between their parents." Many children never ask out loud, so say the answer even if they do not ask.

• Under 6: "No. This is a grown-up problem. You didn't make it happen, not by being naughty, not by anything. We both love you."
• 6 to 12: "No. Even if you heard us argue about things to do with you, that's not why. This is about problems between Mom and me. Nothing you did caused it, and nothing you do could change it."
• Teenagers: "No. I know you might have wondered, especially if you heard us argue about you. This is about our relationship, not about you."

These examples say "Mommy" and "Daddy". Use whatever names your child uses for each of you: Mama and Mom, Papa and Dad, or something else entirely.

"Will you get back together?"

What is behind it: hope, and sometimes a sense that it is their job to make it happen. AACAP notes that "Many children assume the responsibility for bringing their parents back together." The Canadian Paediatric Society advises explaining there is "nothing they (or others) can do to change it."

• Under 6: "No, we're going to live in two houses. But we're both still your mommy and daddy."
• 6 to 12: "No, we're not. I know you really wish we would, and that's okay to wish. It's not something you can change, and it's not your job to try."
• Teenagers: "No. We've thought about it a lot. I know that's hard to hear."

If you genuinely do not know yet, because the separation is a trial, say that honestly, without raising hopes: "We're living apart for now while we work things out. We'll tell you when we know more."

"Do I have to choose?" or "Who will I live with?"

What is behind it: fear of losing a parent, and fear of being asked to pick. AACAP warns that "pressure on a child to 'choose' sides can be particularly harmful." Justice Canada suggests the words: "You don't need to choose between us. It's O.K. to love both of us."

• Under 6: "You don't have to choose. You'll live with Mommy and with Daddy. Here's your calendar: these are Mommy days, these are Daddy days."
• 6 to 12: "You never have to choose between us. We'll tell you the schedule, and we want to hear what you think about it. But the grown-ups make the decision, so nobody's upset with you."
• Teenagers: "Your views really matter, and we'll take them seriously. Dad and I will make the final decision together so you're not stuck in the middle."

For how courts treat older children's views, see teenagers and parenting plans.

"Why are you splitting up?" or "Whose fault is it?"

What is behind it: a need for the world to make sense, and, for older children, a need to know whom to be angry with.

• Under 6: "Mommy and Daddy weren't happy living together, and we decided two houses would be better. We both love you."
• 6 to 12: "We had grown-up problems that we tried for a long time to fix, and we couldn't. The details are private between Dad and me. It isn't one person's fault."
• Teenagers: "There were real reasons, and we both tried. Some of it is private between your mom and me. I won't lie to you, and I won't ask you to take sides."

If the separation was one parent's decision, you do not have to pretend it was mutual. You can say "Mom decided she needed to live apart, and I'm sad about it" without blame or detail, as long as it is said calmly and only if it is true.

"Don't you love each other anymore? Will you stop loving me?"

What is behind it: if love between parents can end, a child may wonder whether love for them can too.

• Under 6: "Grown-ups can stop living together. But mommies and daddies never stop loving their children. I will love you always."
• 6 to 12: "The way grown-ups love each other can change. The way parents love their children doesn't. That's a different kind of love, and it doesn't stop."

"Where will I live? What about my room, my stuff, the dog?"

What is behind it: this is often the first question, and it is a good sign. A guide for parents from the Association of Family and Conciliation Courts notes that children benefit from knowing "where they will live and go to school, when they will be seeing grandparents, where they will spend holidays, and what will happen to their things."

Answer with specifics at every age: which nights, which bedroom, what comes with them, and where the pet lives. If something is not decided, say when it will be. Let personal belongings travel freely; the Ontario chapter of the Association of Family and Conciliation Courts says children should be allowed to bring their possessions between homes "regardless of which parent purchased them."

"Are you okay? Who's going to look after Dad?"

What is behind it: worry for a parent, and sometimes the start of a child taking on a caring role. Justice Canada offers words for this: "I'm sad right now, but that's normal and I'll get through this. You don't need to worry." And: "You don't need to take care of us. We're adults and it's our job to take care of you."

• Under 6: "Daddy is a bit sad, and he has grown-ups helping him. You can give him a big hug when you see him."
• 6 to 12: "Mom has friends and family helping her. Looking after grown-ups isn't your job. You can call her whenever you want to."

"Did Mom cheat?" or "Is it because of [new person]?"

What is behind it: often, something overheard, seen online, or said by someone else. Justice Canada lists an affair among the things to keep to yourself.

• Under 12: "That's a grown-up question, and the answer is private between Dad and me. What I can tell you is that it wasn't about you, and we both love you."
• Teenagers who already know: Do not deny what is true, and do not add detail or judgment. "You've heard something true, and I'm sorry you found out that way. The details are between your dad and me. You can have your own feelings about it, and you can talk to either of us."

"Are we poor now? Will I have to change schools?"

What is behind it: concrete worries about their own life. Justice Canada advises keeping adult money problems to yourself, but you can still answer the child's real question.

• 6 to 12: "We'll make sure you have a home, food, school and the important things. Some things might be simpler for a while. The money part is a grown-up job."
• Teenagers: "Things will be tighter for a while, and we're working it out. You'll still be able to [school trip, team]. If anything big changes, we'll tell you early."

Never ask a child to carry messages about money; the Ontario chapter of the AFCC is explicit on this.

"Can I call Mom when I'm at Dad's?"

The Ontario chapter of the AFCC notes that children differ: some are comforted by regular contact, while others who are doing well get upset just hearing the other parent's voice. Say yes, and work out with the other parent what rhythm suits your child.

"Is Dad a bad person?"

What is behind it: often, criticism of the other parent that the child has heard from someone. Children can feel any attack on a parent as an attack on themselves. An AFCC parent guide warns that children "may experience this as an attack on them."

If there are real safety concerns about the other parent, this answer changes: keep it calm and simple ("Dad needs some help right now, and until he gets it, you'll see him at the centre where there are other grown-ups around"), and get professional advice on what to say.

"Why doesn't Dad come to see me?"

What is behind it: hurt, and often self-blame. This is one of the hardest questions, because you do not control the answer.

Do not make promises on the other parent's behalf, and do not defend or attack them. If this continues, a child therapist can help your child with the hurt.

When the questions point to something more

Repeated questions are normal. Talk to your doctor or a child mental health service if your child keeps blaming themselves despite your reassurance over weeks, seems frightened most of the time, or asks questions that suggest they are carrying adult worries they cannot put down. The Canadian Paediatric Society lists anxiety, sadness and depression, changes in eating or sleep, trouble at school and aggressive behaviour as signs to raise with your doctor if they continue or worsen. See signs your child is struggling.

If a question leads your child to tell you they have been hurt or are afraid of someone, stay calm, listen, tell them you believe them, and do not question them in detail. Contact your local child protection agency or your doctor. The professional directory lists child and family therapists.

What the research says

• Self-blame matters. A 2016 review of international research for the UK government, by the Early Intervention Foundation, found that "Children who blame themselves for parental disagreements or feel responsible for not helping to end them experience guilt, shame, and sadness/depression," and that pre-schoolers are especially likely to blame themselves. A 2008 meta-analysis of studies of children aged 5 to 19 (Rhoades) linked children's self-blame and sense of threat about their parents' conflict with anxiety, low mood and behaviour problems.
• Feeling caught is what hurts. In a study of 522 Californian young people aged 10 to 18 (Buchanan, Maccoby and Dornbusch, 1991), conflict between parents affected adjustment mainly through how caught in the middle they felt. Answers that refuse to take sides protect children.

The questions will keep coming, and that is a good sign: a child who keeps asking is often a child who trusts you to answer.

Sources

1. Department of Justice Canada. Making plans: A guide to parenting arrangements after separation or divorce, Section 2: What your children may be feeling. 2025. https://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/mp-fdp/p3.html
2. American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. Children and Divorce (Facts for Families No. 1). Updated 2026. https://www.aacap.org/AACAP/Families_and_Youth/Facts_for_Families/FFF-Guide/Children-and-Divorce-001.aspx
3. Canadian Paediatric Society. Helping children cope with separation and divorce (Caring for Kids). 2018. https://caringforkids.cps.ca/handouts/mentalhealth/separation_and_divorce
4. Association of Family and Conciliation Courts. Making Your Parenting Plan Work. 2003 revision. https://www.afccnet.org/Resource-Center/Family-Resources/Making-your-Parenting-Plan-Work
5. Association of Family and Conciliation Courts. Parents Are Forever. 2003 revision. https://www.afccnet.org/Resource-Center/Family-Resources/Parents-Are-Forever
6. AFCC-Ontario. Parenting Plan Guide. 2020. https://www.afccnet.org/Portals/0/PDF/AFCC-O-Parenting-Plan-Guide%20(Jan%202020)1.pdf
7. Harold, G., Acquah, D., Sellers, R., Chowdry, H., and Feinstein, L. What works to enhance inter-parental relationships and improve outcomes for children. Early Intervention Foundation. 2016. https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/what-works-to-enhance-inter-parental-relationships-and-improve-outcomes-for-children
8. Rhoades, K. A. Children's responses to interparental conflict: A meta-analysis of their associations with child adjustment. Child Development, 79(6). 2008. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-8624.2008.01235.x
9. Buchanan, C. M., Maccoby, E. E., and Dornbusch, S. M. Caught between parents: Adolescents' experience in divorced homes. Child Development, 62(5). 1991. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-8624.1991.tb01586.x

This guide is general information for parents, not medical, psychological or legal advice. It draws on published research and guidance from recognised health and family justice bodies, listed under Sources. Every child and family is different. If you are worried about your child or yourself, talk to your family doctor or a qualified professional. FairWell can help you find one through the professional directory.