Birthdays, holidays and special days in two homes, year after year

If you are past the first holiday season after separation, you may have found that the second and third years bring different questions. The raw edge may have worn off, but now there are birthdays that fall on the wrong week, a cousin's wedding that clashes with the schedule, a teenager with their own plans and traditions that need to be reinvented rather than survived. This guide is about the long run. If this is your first year, start with our guide to the first holidays after separation, which covers the core schedule options and getting through the day.

What special days mean to children

Children often feel the change in the family most at the times that used to bring everyone together. The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry notes, in guidance on children's grief written about bereavement rather than separation, that sadness can come and go over a long period, "especially around special times such as birthdays and holidays." The same pattern is common after separation, even years in, and it does not mean your child is not coping. The Harvard Center on the Developing Child explains that hard experiences are far easier for children to recover from when they are time-limited and buffered by adults who help them adapt. A wobbly birthday, held by a calm parent, is that kind of experience.

• Under 5. They care about the experience, not the date. A birthday celebrated twice, or Christmas on the 27th, is simply a lovely day if the adults are relaxed.
• Ages 6 to 8. Fairness and ritual matter. They may worry about the parent who is alone and may still hope that special days will bring their parents back together.
• Ages 9 to 12. They notice whether parents can be in the same room and can feel caught if they think one parent will be hurt by their choices.
• Teenagers. Friends, part-time jobs and their own plans compete with both homes. AFCC's Making Your Parenting Plan Work notes that early adolescents may want a say in arrangements, but parents make the final decision.

What professionals recommend

There is little research that tests specific holiday arrangements, so the advice here draws on professional guidance from the Association of Family and Conciliation Courts (AFCC), Justice Canada and the Canadian Paediatric Society, each named below.

• AFCC's guide to shared parenting advises planning major holidays, family events and school vacations in advance, and building in review points, for example when a child starts school or finishes elementary school.
• AFCC's Making Your Parenting Plan Work says children benefit from knowing where they will spend holidays and when they will see grandparents.
• The AFCC-Ontario Parenting Plan Guide describes several holiday arrangements and recommends flexibility for special events, with make-up time.
• AFCC's guide on relocation describes new holiday traditions as "important anchors" for children.
• The Canadian Paediatric Society advises letting children talk to the other parent whenever they need to and keeping extended family connections.

Plan the year in one sitting

Most holiday conflict is timing conflict. The fix is to plan once a year, early, instead of negotiating each occasion as it comes. An Arizona AFCC co-parenting guide recommends a 12-month shared calendar, with deadlines for drafting and approving it.

1. Pick a date to plan, such as the end of summer, before the school year.
2. List the year's special days: the child's birthday, each parent's birthday, Mother's Day and Father's Day, religious and cultural holidays, school breaks, family weddings and reunions, and any travel.
3. Apply your parenting plan to each, and note where it is unclear.
4. Agree on swaps and make-up time for clashes, in writing.
5. Share the final calendar with older children so they know what is coming.

Patterns worth knowing

Beyond alternating or splitting holidays, the AFCC-Ontario guide describes some arrangements families find useful:

• Attaching a holiday to a weekend. For example, a Monday holiday goes to the parent who has the adjoining weekend, adding 24 hours to their time instead of creating an extra handover.
• Even and odd years for holidays both parents want.
• Keeping the regular rhythm intact, for example adjusting so each parent still has two weekends in every four around long holiday periods.

Your child's birthday

There is no single right way. What matters is that the day is about your child and that they do not spend it managing their parents.

• Two celebrations. Each home marks the birthday on its own time. Many children enjoy this, especially when young.
• One party, both parents. The AFCC-Ontario guide suggests attending events together if you can be civil, and taking turns if not. A joint party works only if both parents can be relaxed for its length. A 2016 UK government evidence review found that children of all ages, from infancy to adulthood, can be affected by destructive conflict between parents, so if a joint party would be tense, two separate, happy celebrations are the kinder choice.
• A call on the day. If your child is not with a parent on the actual birthday, a planned call or video chat lets that parent be part of it.
• Gifts. Coordinate on big gifts to avoid duplicates or competition. Gifts belong to the child and can go to either home.

The other parent's special days

Children often want to make a card or choose a gift for a parent's birthday, Mother's Day or Father's Day, and younger children cannot do it without an adult's help. Helping your child do this for the other parent is one of the clearest ways to show them they are allowed to love both of you.

One simple arrangement is that a child spends Mother's Day with their mother and Father's Day with their father, whatever the regular schedule. In families with two mothers or two fathers, or where a parent is not in the picture, agree on what the day will mean, and let your child shape it.

Family events, milestones and ceremonies

Weddings, funerals, graduations, recitals, religious ceremonies and reunions do not follow the parenting schedule. Build in a rule for them: either parent can ask for a swap for a significant family event, with a set amount of notice, and make-up time is offered. The AFCC-Ontario guide recommends that, at events both parents attend, the child is supported to greet the other parent, and that new partners come to shared events only once the relationship is stable and with advance notice.

Travel and school breaks

Longer breaks raise practical questions. Justice Canada's Making Plans lists passports and consent for children's travel among the issues to cover in a parenting plan. Agree early on who travels where, with what notice, and how the child keeps in touch with the other parent while away. If the homes are far apart, see long-distance parenting.

Traditions in two homes

Children do not need the old traditions kept exactly. They need some things they can count on. Let each home develop its own: a December movie night, a birthday breakfast, a first-day-of-summer picnic. Invite your child to help invent them.

Grandparents and extended family

Justice Canada notes that grandparents and other important people are usually seen during a parent's time. Holidays are often when these relationships are kept alive. Make room in the calendar for both sides of the family where you can, and keep adult disputes out of family gatherings. See grandparents and extended family after separation.

As your child grows

A plan that suits a six-year-old will not suit a sixteen-year-old. Expect to revisit it. Teenagers' views deserve real weight, while the decision stays with the adults, as Justice Canada's guidance on how children react at different ages and AFCC's Making Your Parenting Plan Work both put it. A teen who wants to spend New Year's Eve with friends is not rejecting either of you.

If you are on your own for part of it

Special days can still sting years later, for parents as much as children. Be as gentle with yourself as you are with your child, and plan your own time as carefully as theirs. Seeing friends, volunteering or simply having a plan for the day makes it easier, and keeps your child from worrying about you. Our guide to loneliness on the weeks without your children may help.

If there is family violence: joint celebrations, shared events and holiday handovers may not be safe. Your plan can keep the parents apart, use third parties for exchanges, or limit contact. Read safety planning during separation. Press Shift+Esc to leave this site quickly.

When to get more help

If special days bring sadness that lifts afterwards, that is common. If your child's low mood, anxiety or behaviour changes around holidays last for weeks, or if conflict over the calendar is constant, talk to your doctor, a child mental health service, a mediator or a parenting coordinator.

Sources

1. American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. Grief and Children. Facts for Families No. 8. 2023. aacap.org
2. Association of Family and Conciliation Courts. A Guide for Joint Custody and Shared Parenting. Revised 2003. afccnet.org
3. Association of Family and Conciliation Courts. Making Your Parenting Plan Work. Revised 2003. afccnet.org
4. AFCC-Ontario. Parenting Plan Guide. 2020. afccnet.org
5. Association of Family and Conciliation Courts. When Parents Relocate: Moving Away and Long-Distance Parenting. 2003. afccnet.org
6. Arizona Chapter of the AFCC. Co-Parenting Communication Guide. 2011. afccnet.org
7. Department of Justice Canada. Making Plans: A guide to parenting arrangements after separation or divorce. 2026. justice.gc.ca
8. Department of Justice Canada. How children react at different ages and stages. 2024. justice.gc.ca
9. Canadian Paediatric Society. Helping children cope with separation and divorce. 2018. caringforkids.cps.ca
10. Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University. Toxic Stress. Undated. developingchild.harvard.edu
11. Harold G, Acquah D, Sellers R, Chowdry H, Feinstein L (Early Intervention Foundation). What works to enhance inter-parental relationships and improve outcomes for children. 2016. gov.uk

This guide is general information for parents, not medical, psychological or legal advice. It draws on published research and guidance from recognised health and family justice bodies, listed under Sources. Every child and family is different. If you are worried about your child or yourself, talk to your family doctor or a qualified professional. FairWell can help you find one through the professional directory.