Long-distance parenting: staying close when you live far apart

Whether you moved, your child's other parent moved, or work, military service or family circumstances put kilometres between you, long-distance parenting can feel like being asked to love your child through a window. It is harder. It is also very possible to stay close, and many of the things that make the biggest difference are small, regular and within your control.

This guide is about the relationship. For the legal side of moving with children, including notice rules in Canada and the US, read moving with the kids after separation.

What distance means to children, by age

• Babies and toddlers (birth to 2). Their relationships are built through hands-on care, and calls need to be very short to hold their attention. The Kelly and Lamb review described below focuses on how moves affect children this young. If distance is unavoidable, get professional advice on how often and for how long contact should happen; this is an area where advice for your specific situation is especially worthwhile.
• Preschoolers (3 to 5). They measure time in sleeps, not weeks. Countdown calendars, photos and routine calls help them hold the other parent in mind. The AFCC-Ontario Parenting Plan Guide notes that younger children "become bored or restless with conversations that are too long."
• School-age children (6 to 12). The AFCC-Ontario guide notes that school-age children in long-distance arrangements usually have a primary residence but should still have significant time with the other parent. They can manage longer visits, enjoy shared projects and can use phone and video well with a little structure.
• Teenagers (13 and up). They can stay in touch independently, but their lives fill up with school, friends and jobs, and long visits away from all of that can feel like a sacrifice. Flexibility and their input matter more with every year.

What the research says

The research specifically on long-distance parenting is limited. A 2003 review by Kelly and Lamb, focused on young children in relocation cases, concluded that relocation moves "stress and often disrupt psychologically important parent-child relationships," which may have adverse consequences for children, and discussed ways of promoting long-distance relationships between young children and the parent who does not move. It was an expert review rather than new data.

There is also good news in the wider research for the parent who lives further away. A 2002 research review for Justice Canada concluded that "what a father does with his children when he is with them is much more important than the amount of time he spends with them." The research it drew on was about fathers, but the point holds out real hope for any parent who cannot be there every week: the quality of the time you do have counts.

Conflict matters here as everywhere. AFCC's guide on relocation says children are "often stressed or emotionally harmed if conflict between their parents persists" over a move. A 2016 UK government evidence review adds that children who blame themselves for their parents' disagreements, or feel responsible for ending them, experience guilt, shame and sadness. Whatever you feel about the distance, keeping that dispute away from your child protects them.

We did not find a published study testing how video calls with a parent affect children after separation, so the advice on virtual contact below comes from professional guidance rather than research.

Building a schedule that works across distance

AFCC's relocation guide says the frequency and length of time with each parent depend on the distance, the child's age and the cost of travel, and that where distance is great, parenting time often moves into longer blocks such as summer or winter holidays.

• Use school holidays. Summer, winter and spring breaks are the natural anchors for school-age children.
• Visit in both places. The AFCC-Ontario guide suggests visits in both locations where affordable. When the distant parent comes to the child's town, the child keeps their friends and activities, and the parent sees the child's real life.
• Agree who pays for travel, in writing, before it becomes a dispute. AFCC's guide lists this as something to settle.
• Share itineraries in advance. AFCC advises that both parents have travel details beforehand.
• Check airline rules. AFCC notes children may need an adult escort, because carriers have age rules for travelling alone. Check the airline's current policy each time.
• Plan for return after long absences. For military families, the AFCC-Ontario guide describes video contact during deployment and "step-up" schedules on return, building time back gradually. The same idea can help after any long gap. See military families and separation.

Between visits: virtual parenting time

Professional guidance treats phone and video contact as a real part of parenting, not a courtesy. The AFCC-Ontario guide describes virtual parenting time being used for routines, reading stories, singing, games and homework help. AFCC's Making Your Parenting Plan Work notes that phone and internet can help sustain relationships across distance. The American Academy of Pediatrics adds that while calls, video and messages help, children need to know their parents will include them in their lives "as fully and as often as possible."

• Make it predictable. Same days, same time. A child who knows Dad calls at 7 on Tuesdays and Thursdays can look forward to it.
• Keep it short for little ones, and do something together: read the same book, sing, show the new drawing.
• Be part of the routine. A bedtime story by video on your usual night, homework help on math night, watching the same game.
• Use the mail. Letters, postcards and small parcels give a child something to hold and keep.
• Know their world. Learn the names of their teacher, best friend and coach. Ask about specific things.

Our guide to phone, video and messages with the other parent covers calls in detail.

If you are the parent your child lives with most

You have more influence over the long-distance relationship than anyone. The AFCC-Ontario guide says the parent the child lives with should send regular school and activity updates, and AFCC's relocation guide recommends sharing school, medical and activity information.

• Send report cards, photos of the school concert and the soccer schedule without being asked.
• Help the child prepare for calls: charge the device, find a quiet spot, remind them of news to share.
• Help younger children send cards and gifts for the other parent's birthday and holidays.
• Speak about the other parent warmly, or at least neutrally.

Some long-distance families find a shared co-parenting app helps here: one calendar both parents can see for visits and travel, and one place for school news and photos, so nothing depends on the child remembering to pass it on. If that might suit you, our side-by-side comparison of co-parenting apps sets out the options. Where there has been family violence, check any shared tool with a safety advisor first.

If you are the parent who lives further away

• Be reliable above all. A short call that always happens beats a long one that sometimes does.
• Get information directly where you can. In Canada, section 16.4 of the Divorce Act entitles a person with parenting time or decision-making responsibility to request information about the child's well-being, including health and education, unless a court orders otherwise (provincial law applies to unmarried parents). In the US, the FERPA regulation at 34 CFR 99.4 gives either parent rights to education records at federally funded schools unless a court order or other legally binding document specifically revokes them. See school during separation.
• Make visits ordinary as well as special. Outings are lovely, but children also need to see you as a parent: meals, bedtimes, homework, boredom. Visits that are all treats can leave a child feeling like a guest.
• Give time to settle at the start and end. AFCC's Parents Are Forever reminds parents that some distress at transitions is normal, and that children need time to adjust at the beginning and end of each stay.

Distance brings its own kind of grief: missing ordinary Tuesdays, first teeth, the walk home from school. Let yourself feel it, and take it to friends, family or a counsellor, so your calls can stay about your child. Our guide to loneliness on the weeks without your children may help.

What to say to your child about the distance

Ages 3 to 5

Ages 6 to 12

Teenagers

If there is family violence: virtual contact, shared travel arrangements and regular communication between parents may not be safe, and plans may need supervised or limited contact. Your safety and your child's come first. Read safety planning during separation. Press Shift+Esc to leave this site quickly.

Signs your child needs more support

Missing a parent is normal, and children can be sad before and after visits. Talk to your doctor or a child mental health service if your child's sadness, anxiety or anger is persistent, if they withdraw from friends or activities, if sleep, eating or school change for more than a few weeks, or if they become very distressed about travel. The Canadian Paediatric Society lists these kinds of changes as reasons to seek advice when they continue or worsen. See signs a child is struggling after separation.

Sources

1. Kelly JB, Lamb ME. Developmental issues in relocation cases involving young children: when, whether, and how? Journal of Family Psychology. 2003. doi.org/10.1037/0893-3200.17.2.193
2. Bernardini SC, Jenkins JM. An Overview of the Risks and Protectors for Children of Separation and Divorce. Department of Justice Canada. 2002. justice.gc.ca (part 2) and part 6
3. Harold G, Acquah D, Sellers R, Chowdry H, Feinstein L (Early Intervention Foundation). What works to enhance inter-parental relationships and improve outcomes for children. 2016. gov.uk
4. Association of Family and Conciliation Courts. When Parents Relocate: Moving Away and Long-Distance Parenting. 2003. afccnet.org
5. AFCC-Ontario. Parenting Plan Guide. 2020. afccnet.org
6. Association of Family and Conciliation Courts. Making Your Parenting Plan Work. Revised 2003. afccnet.org
7. Association of Family and Conciliation Courts. Parents Are Forever. Revised 2003. afccnet.org
8. Salek EC, Ginsburg KR (American Academy of Pediatrics, HealthyChildren.org). Traps Divorced or Separating Parents Should Avoid. 2014. healthychildren.org
9. Government of Canada. Divorce Act, RSC 1985, c 3 (2nd Supp), s 16.4. As amended 2019. laws-lois.justice.gc.ca
10. US Code of Federal Regulations. 34 CFR 99.4, What are the rights of parents? Current. ecfr.gov
11. Canadian Paediatric Society. Helping children cope with separation and divorce. 2018. caringforkids.cps.ca

This guide is general information for parents, not medical, psychological or legal advice. It draws on published research and guidance from recognised health and family justice bodies, listed under Sources. Every child and family is different. If you are worried about your child or yourself, talk to your family doctor or a qualified professional. FairWell can help you find one through the professional directory.