What the research says about children and separation

If you are reading about children and separation late at night, you are probably looking for one answer: will my children be okay? Decades of research give a clear and mostly hopeful answer. Most children do well over time, and what happens after the separation matters more than the separation itself. This guide sets out what the evidence shows, what it does not show, and what that means for what you do this week.

The short version

• Most children adjust well. On average, children whose parents separate do a little worse on some measures than children whose parents stay together. The differences are small, and most children function normally.
• Conflict between parents is the strongest lever you have. Ongoing, hostile or unresolved conflict harms children whether their parents live together or apart.
• Being caught in the middle is one of the main ways that harm reaches children.
• Warm, consistent parenting protects children, and good parenting from even one parent helps when conflict stays high.
• A parent's own wellbeing matters. When a parent's depression is treated, children tend to improve too.
• Stability helps. Fewer changes, predictable routines and other supportive adults make a hard time easier to absorb.

Most children do well. Here is what that means.

The best-known summary of this research is a 1991 meta-analysis by Paul Amato and B. Keith, which pooled 92 studies, mostly from the United States. Children from divorced families scored lower across many outcomes, but the typical difference was small: a median of 0.14 of a standard deviation. Better-designed studies tended to find weaker effects for some outcomes. Amato's 2001 update, covering 67 studies from the 1990s, still found children with divorced parents scoring significantly lower on school achievement, behaviour, emotional adjustment, self-concept and social relationships. Both things are true: there is a real average gap, and it is small.

Averages hide a wide spread of individual children. A 2002 review for the Department of Justice Canada reported a US study of 12- to 16-year-olds, published in 1993, in which children from divorced families were about twice as likely to have received psychological help (21 percent compared with 11 percent). Read the other way, 79 percent of the children in that sample coped with their parents' divorce without professional help.

A 2000 study by Laumann-Billings and Robert Emery found that most young people from divorced families function normally, yet many still carry "painful feelings, beliefs, and memories" about the divorce. A 2003 review by Joan Kelly and Robert Emery describes the resilience shown by the majority of children and separates lingering painful memories from mental health problems. That distinction matters. A child can feel sad about the separation, sometimes for a long time, and still be doing well. Sadness is not damage.

Time also helps. The Justice Canada review notes that behaviour problems were higher when a divorce was recent (two years or less) and eased over time. The American Academy of Pediatrics, on its parent site HealthyChildren.org, says many children have short-term painful feelings and "bounce back within 2 to 3 years after the separation", while noting that divorce can also be associated with longer-term problems for some children. The Justice Canada review also found that some problems were already present before the separation, which is a reminder that the separation is rarely the whole story.

What predicts how children do

1. How much conflict they live with

Of all the explanations Amato and Keith tested, the most consistent support was for family conflict. The Justice Canada review puts it plainly: "anger-based interparental conflict is a strong predictor, and risk factor, of child maladjustment regardless of the family type in which the child is living, whether intact, divorced or stepfamily."

A 2018 UK evidence review by Harold and Sellers found that children are affected by how parents express and manage conflict, "ranging from silence to violence", whether the adults are married or separated, and whether or not the children are biologically related to them. A 2020 meta-analysis led by van Eldik, drawing on 169 studies, found that hostile conflict was most strongly linked to children's behaviour problems, and that cold, disengaged conflict carried similar risks in other areas. In other words, the silent treatment is not a safe alternative to shouting. Most of the links they found lasted over time.

This is why researchers stopped asking only whether parents separate and started asking how the adults in a child's life manage their disagreements. More on this in conflict in front of the children, and how to repair.

2. Whether they are caught in the middle

In a study of 522 Californian adolescents interviewed about four and a half years after their parents separated, Buchanan, Maccoby and Dornbusch found that parents' conflict affected teenagers' adjustment only indirectly, through the teenagers' feeling of being caught between their parents. Teens who were close to both parents felt less caught. Teens who moved between two homes were especially likely to feel caught when their parents were in high conflict, and especially unlikely to feel caught when their parents cooperated.

A 2006 study of 632 young adults by Amato and Afifi found that feeling caught was linked to lower wellbeing and poorer relationships with parents. Children of divorced parents were no more likely to feel caught than children of low-conflict married parents, and the feeling tended to fade in the decade after the divorce. See keeping children out of the middle.

3. The quality of parenting in each home

The Justice Canada review found that warmth in the mother-child relationship, and a child's own tendency toward positive emotion, helped buffer children from the stress of divorce. On fathers, it concluded that "what a father does with his children when he is with them is much more important than the amount of time he spends with them."

Analysis of the New Beginnings Program trial (described below) found that improvements in mothers' effective discipline explained the program's effect on children's grades, and improvements in the mother-child relationship explained its effect on mental health for higher-risk adolescents. Warmth and consistent limits work together. A 2018 review by Mahrer and colleagues added an important point for families where conflict stays high: good parenting by at least one parent was associated with better child adjustment.

4. How the parents are coping

A 2009 review by Lansford named four main pathways between divorce and how children adjust: family income, conflict between parents, parenting, and the parents' own wellbeing. A meta-analysis of 193 studies by Goodman and colleagues (2011) found that a mother's depression was linked to more emotional and behavioural problems in children, with all the links small in size. A US trial reported in 2006 by Weissman and colleagues followed 151 mothers being treated for depression. When the mother's depression went into remission, her children's diagnoses fell by about 11 percent overall. When it did not, they rose by about 8 percent. Most of this research is on mothers, but the practical message applies to any parent: getting help for yourself is one of the ways you help your child.

5. Stability, and how many changes pile up

Amato's 2010 review of the decade's research highlighted a newer and promising view: focusing on "the number of family transitions rather than on divorce as a single event." Pedro-Carroll's 2005 review lists household stability among the factors that protect children. Justice Canada's guidance on young children says routines need not be identical in each home, "but the more predictability there is for children, the easier things will be for them." Where you can, avoid stacking a move, a new school and a new partner on top of the separation itself.

6. Other caring adults

Pedro-Carroll also lists supportive adults as protective. For many children these are grandparents, teachers or coaches. The Harvard Center on the Developing Child explains that even the loss of a loved one can be a "tolerable" stress when it is time-limited and buffered by relationships with adults who help the child adapt. Separation is a real stress for children. Supportive relationships are what keep it manageable.

What the research says helps

Parenting programs

The New Beginnings Program, developed by Sharlene Wolchik, Irwin Sandler and colleagues at Arizona State University, teaches separated parents to build warm relationships, use effective discipline and keep children out of the middle of conflict. In a randomized trial with mothers in one US city, six years later 11 percent of adolescents in the mother and child program had a diagnosed mental disorder in the past year, compared with 23.5 percent in the comparison group (2002). Fifteen years on, young adults from the program had lower rates of emotional disorders (15.52 percent compared with 34.62 percent over 15 years), and young men had fewer substance problems. One finding went the other way: young women from the program reported drinking more alcohol in the past month (2013).

A larger 2020 trial with 830 mothers and fathers, recruited through family courts in four US counties, found positive effects on parenting and on children's mental health, but the benefits were not universal: they appeared for non-Hispanic White families "but not for Hispanic families." Programs help, and they need to fit the family. See parenting programs after separation.

Agreeing rather than fighting in court

In a Virginia study, families in a custody dispute were randomly assigned to mediation or to court. Twelve years later, Robert Emery and colleagues found that parents who did not live with the children were more involved and had more contact and influence when the family had mediated, without any increase in co-parenting conflict (2001).

If there is family violence: mediation, joint conversations, shared messaging and in-person handovers may not be safe. Read safety planning during separation and speak to a local domestic violence service. Press Shift+Esc to leave this site quickly.

Working on the conflict, not only on the child

A 2016 review by the UK's Early Intervention Foundation concluded that "just targeting the parental-child relationship in the context of ongoing inter-parental conflict does not lead to sustained positive outcomes for children." Therapy for a child can help. It works best when the adults also lower the temperature between them.

Where the evidence is still contested

Some questions do not have settled answers, and you should be wary of anyone who tells you they do.

• How much time in each home. A national survey of 147,839 Swedish students aged about 12 and 15 (Bergström and colleagues, 2015) found that children in joint physical custody reported fewer psychosomatic problems, such as sleep problems and headaches, than children living mostly or only with one parent, but more than children in intact families. The study was a snapshot and cannot show cause and effect. A 2019 review of 40 studies by Steinbach found evidence of benefits but noted that study families tended to be better educated, better off and lower in conflict, and that the risks and benefits "are heavily debated by advocates and academics." A representative 2019 survey in Germany (Langmeyer and colleagues, 2022) found that shared physical custody was not linked to children's adjustment overall, though conflictual co-parenting was linked to more hyperactivity among children in shared care. The Mahrer review found more shared time was linked to poorer adjustment where high conflict continued many years after the divorce, but typically not in the first two or three years. No schedule is right for every family.
• Overnights for babies and toddlers. An Association of Family and Conciliation Courts think tank (Pruett, McIntosh and Kelly, 2014) and a consensus report led by Warshak (2014) agree that blanket bans on overnights for very young children are not supported by the evidence. They differ on how much caution frequent overnights need, particularly when conflict is high or a child's relationship with the second parent is not yet established. See babies and toddlers and separation.
• "Parental alienation." This term is disputed among professionals. See when a child refuses to go to the other parent's home.

What this means for you this week

1. Keep adult disputes away from the children. No arguments at handovers, on speakerphone or within earshot.
2. Talk to the other parent directly, not through the children.
3. Keep routines as steady as you can, and introduce other changes gradually.
4. Be warm and keep your usual limits. Children need both.
5. Look after yourself. If you are not coping, getting help is part of parenting, not a distraction from it.

Adjust the wording to your family: "Mama and Mommy", "Papa and Dad", or the names your children use.

What the research cannot tell you

Almost all of these findings are averages across many families. They describe risk, not destiny. Much of the research comes from the United States, with important work from Canada, the UK, Sweden and Germany; some of it is decades old, many studies only show that two things go together rather than that one causes the other, and the main program trials began with mothers only. None of it can tell you exactly what your child needs. What it does show, consistently, is where your effort pays off.

You are not alone

A 2016 American Academy of Pediatrics clinical report noted that the United States had seen more than 800,000 divorces and parent separations a year for several years, affecting over a million children annually. In Canada's 2021 Census, 550,810 children aged 0 to 14 (9 percent of children that age in census families) lived in a stepfamily. Your family is one of many working this out.

When to get more help

Most changes in children's behaviour after a separation are normal and ease with time. Some signs mean it is worth talking to your doctor or a children's mental health professional. See signs your child is struggling, by age. If your child talks about wanting to die or hurting themselves, act today: see self-harm and suicidal thoughts in children and the crisis lines below. For therapists and parenting coordinators near you, use the FairWell directory.

Sources

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This guide is general information for parents, not medical, psychological or legal advice. It draws on published research and guidance from recognised health and family justice bodies, listed under Sources. Every child and family is different. If you are worried about your child or yourself, talk to your family doctor or a qualified professional. FairWell can help you find one through the professional directory.