Can my child choose where to live?

The short answer

No. In Canada and almost every US state there is no age at which a child decides. Courts must consider a child's views and give them weight according to age and maturity, and in practice an older teenager's clear, consistent preference is hard to override. The child's voice reaches the court through a Voice of the Child report, a child's lawyer, a full assessment or custody evaluation, or occasionally a judge's interview. The one thing that reliably hurts a child, and a parent's case, is asking the child to pick.

It is one of the most searched questions in family law, and it usually arrives in one of two forms. "My 13-year-old says she wants to live with me. Does that settle it?" Or, from the other side: "My son has been told he can choose, and now he will not come." Behind both is a child who has been handed a decision that is not theirs to make.

This guide explains how a child's wishes enter a parenting decision in Canada and the United States, what the different reports and professionals do, roughly what they cost, and how to support your child without putting them in the middle. It is general information; the detail is provincial and state law, and a family lawyer where you live can tell you which options apply to you.

The legal answer: considered, weighed, not decisive

Canada

Canada's Divorce Act requires a court making a parenting order to consider only the best interests of the child, giving primary consideration to the child's physical, emotional and psychological safety, security and well-being. Among the listed best-interests factors, section 16(3)(e) is "the child's views and preferences, giving due weight to the child's age and maturity, unless they cannot be ascertained." Provincial laws that govern unmarried parents use similar language.

Justice Canada's fact sheet on a child's views and preferences spells out what that means: there is no specific age, such as 12 or 14, when children get to decide who they will live with. The weight given to a child's views depends on age and maturity, and generally grows as children get older, though each child develops at their own pace. The fact sheet also makes a point parents often miss: children should understand the difference between giving an opinion and making a decision. Asking for their input does not mean asking them to choose sides.

Steps to Justice, writing for Ontario, adds the practical reality. Generally a child cannot decide which parent they want to live with, but the closer they get to 18, the more their wishes count, and it is rare for a court to make an order about a child of 16 or older.

United States

Every state uses a best-interests test, and most include the child's wishes as a factor, weighted by age and maturity. A few states set an age at which the child's preference carries formal weight, which is where the "magic age" myth comes from. Two examples from official sources:

Georgia. WomensLaw.org summarises the statute: a child of 14 or older has the right to select the parent they want to live with, and that choice will be honoured unless the judge determines it is not in the child's best interests. For children of 11 to 13, the judge will consider the child's wishes but will not necessarily follow them.
California. Family Code section 3042 requires the court to consider and give due weight to the wishes of a child of sufficient age and capacity to reason so as to form an intelligent preference. A child of 14 or older who wishes to address the court shall be permitted to do so unless the court finds it is not in the child's best interests.

Even in Georgia, the judge keeps the final say. Check your own state's rule with a lawyer; it is one of the areas where states differ most.

How a child's voice reaches the court

Justice Canada's fact sheet lists four routes: a lawyer for the child, a report on the child's views based on one or two interviews by a qualified neutral third party, a parenting plan assessment that includes child interviews by a mental health professional, and an interview with the judge. The US has close equivalents. Here is what each involves.

1. A Voice of the Child report (Canada)

This is the lightest-touch option and often the right first step. In Ontario, the Office of the Children's Lawyer (OCL) explains that its clinicians prepare Voice of the Child reports, typically for children over the age of seven, through two interviews on separate days. The clinician reviews each child's statement for accuracy and the report goes to the court and the parties within 30 days of assignment. What it does not include is as important: no formal interviews of the parents, no observation visits, no collateral information gathering and no recommendations. It records what the child said, and nothing else.

British Columbia splits this into two products. Clicklaw's wiki explains that a hear the child report is non-evaluative: the professional summarises what the child says, largely in the child's own words, without offering an opinion on best interests. Family justice counsellors, who are public employees, prepare these for free; private lawyers and mental health professionals charge roughly $500 to $3,000. A views of the child report is evaluative: it presents the child's views and also assesses their maturity and consistency, is prepared by a mental health professional, and Clicklaw estimates $2,500 to $5,000 and two to three months. Section 211 of BC's Family Law Act is the provision that lets a court order these. Parents can agree on the type of report and the professional, or either can apply to court for an order.

Other provinces have their own services. Justice Canada's survey notes, for example, that Manitoba's Family Conciliation service is offered at no cost to the parties, that Nova Scotia parents contribute to assessments on a sliding scale based on income, and that New Brunswick assessments are usually paid for by the parties.

2. A lawyer for the child (Canada)

In Ontario, the OCL represents children under 18 in cases about parenting time, contact and decision-making. When a court asks the OCL to help, it may provide a lawyer, a clinician, or both. An OCL lawyer generally takes a position consistent with the child's views and preferences, which is what makes this different from a report: the child has an advocate in the room. The OCL's clinician, usually a social worker, can instead meet the family and write a Children's Lawyer Report with recommendations; the OCL notes that investigation takes approximately 90 to 120 days from first contact, and that after the report is delivered each party has 30 days to file a statement disputing anything in it. The OCL does not decide what is in the child's best interests; the court does.

3. A full assessment or custody evaluation (Canada and US)

This is the heavyweight option, used when the dispute is wide or there are concerns about a parent. In the US it is called a custody evaluation; in Canada, an assessment or parenting plan assessment. The American Psychological Association's guidelines describe the purpose as assisting in determining the psychological best interests of the child, carried out by psychologists who strive to function as impartial evaluators. Methods typically include psychological testing, clinical interviews and behavioural observation, review of school and health records, and contact with collateral sources such as relatives and friends.

Divorce.law's explainer gives a sense of scale: separate parent interviews of two to four hours, child sessions without parents present, home visits, collateral contacts with teachers and doctors, and standardised testing of the parents. It reports typical US costs of $3,000 to $15,000 for a private evaluator and $1,000 to $2,500 through a county service, and timelines of three to six months in a standard case. Courts give significant weight to the recommendations but are not bound by them, and refusing a court-ordered evaluation can result in sanctions. Treat the figures as indicative; ask for a quote and a timeline first.

4. A guardian ad litem (US)

Many US states appoint a guardian ad litem (GAL) in contested custody cases. A Minnesota legal aid fact sheet describes the role: a court-appointed person who does an independent investigation, talks to the child, the parents and other caregivers, and writes a report to the court saying what they think the judge should order. The GAL is not the child's lawyer and makes their own decision about what is best for the child, which may differ from what the child wants. GALs may work free or for a fee, and if there is a fee the court decides who pays. Some states use a separate "attorney for the child" who, like an OCL lawyer, advocates for the child's stated wishes. Ask which model your state uses.

5. The judge meets the child

Steps to Justice notes that an Ontario judge can ask to speak with a child alone in chambers, and Justice Canada lists a judicial interview as one of the routes. Practice varies by judge. In Quebec, article 34 of the Civil Code goes further: the court must, in every application affecting a child's interests, give the child an opportunity to be heard if their age and power of discernment permit it.

What a child's view is weighed against

A preference is one factor among many, and the reasons behind it matter. A 14-year-old who wants to live with Dad because his house is close to school, friends and a part-time job has given a mature reason. One who wants to live there because there is no bedtime has given a reason that carries less weight. A child who wants to live with one parent because that parent cries when she leaves is describing pressure, not preference, and that tends to count against the parent applying it. The reports above are designed to tell those situations apart, which is why children are interviewed twice, on different days.

What not to do

Justice Canada's advice to parents is specific, and it matches what every assessor looks for:

Do not ask the child who they want to live with. Avoid direct questions that pressure a child to pick one parent. Steps to Justice says the same: never pressure or try to convince your child to live with you.
Do not record the child, or have them record the other parent, or carry messages. Justice Canada names all three as ways of involving children in parental disputes.
Do not coach. Interviewers notice rehearsed language and adult phrasing. A coached child is less persuasive, not more, and the coaching itself becomes evidence.
Do not promise. "If you tell them you want to live here, you can have the big room" is a bribe, and children repeat it.
Do not debrief. After an interview, ask "How was it?" and leave it there.

"Someone whose job is to listen to kids is going to ask what you think about the schedule. You can say anything that is true for you. Whatever you say, you are not choosing between us, and neither of us will be upset with you. The grown-ups and the judge decide."

"When the lady asks, make sure you tell her you want to be with me, and tell her about how Dad is always on his phone."

How to prepare your child, and yourself

Agree with the other parent, if you can, how the child will be involved. Justice Canada says parents ideally decide this together. Two parents choosing the same lower-conflict route (a Voice of the Child report rather than a full assessment) protect the child from the heavier process.
Explain it once, simply, and the same way in both homes. Use the script above. Teenagers need to know that their words will be read by both parents and the judge, so they are not blindsided.
Keep the schedule running. Follow the current arrangement until it is changed by agreement or order.
Write down your own reasons, not your child's. Your case rests on the practical picture: school, routines, work hours, who does the appointments, who is close to whom. Our guides to custody and parenting time and the parenting plan builder help you set that out.
Get your child support of their own if they need it. A school counsellor or child therapist gives them a place to talk that is not either parent. If your child is refusing to go to the other home, read when a child refuses to see the other parent; refusal and preference are not the same thing and are handled differently.

If your teenager is the one pushing

Teenagers are the children most likely to insist on choosing, and the ones whose views carry most weight. Take them seriously and still hold the frame: "I hear you, and your view matters a lot. It is still a decision adults make, and here is how your voice gets in." Then make sure it does, through one of the routes above, rather than by letting them vote with their feet. Our guide to how much say teenagers should have covers the day-to-day version of this.

Children do not want to choose between their parents. They want to be asked, to be heard, and then to be let off the hook. The routes in this guide exist so that all three can happen.

This guide is general information, not legal or psychological advice. The services, costs and rules described differ by province and state and change over time. Confirm what applies to you with a family lawyer where you live.

Sources

This guide is general information, not medical, psychological or legal advice. If you are worried about your child's safety or mental health, contact a professional or one of the services listed above.

If someone is in immediate danger, call 911. In Canada, call or text 9-8-8 (Suicide Crisis Helpline), or reach Kids Help Phone at 1-800-668-6868 or text CONNECT to 686868. In the US, call, text or chat 988 (Suicide and Crisis Lifeline).

Common questions

At what age can a child choose which parent to live with in Canada?

There is no such age. Justice Canada's fact sheet says there is no specific age, such as 12 or 14, when children get to decide. Courts must consider a child's views and give them weight according to age and maturity. In practice, Steps to Justice notes it is rare for an Ontario court to make an order about a child of 16 or older.

Is it different in the United States?

Mostly no. Every state uses a best-interests test and the child's wishes are one factor. A few states give formal weight at a set age: in Georgia a child of 14 can select a parent, subject to the judge's best-interests override, and in California a child of 14 who asks to address the court must generally be allowed to. Check your state's rule.

What is a Voice of the Child report and what does it cost?

A short, neutral report of what the child said in one or two interviews, with no recommendations. In Ontario the Office of the Children's Lawyer prepares them, typically for children over seven, within 30 days of assignment. In BC, family justice counsellors prepare non-evaluative hear the child reports for free; private professionals charge roughly $500 to $3,000, and evaluative views of the child reports cost more.

Will my child have to go to court or talk to the judge?

Usually not. Most children's views reach the court through a report or a child's lawyer. Judges can interview a child, and in Quebec the court must give a child of sufficient age and discernment the chance to be heard, but testifying in open court is rare.

My child told me they want to live with me. Should I tell the lawyer?

Tell your lawyer what your child has said unprompted, and then stop asking. Do not question, record or coach your child. Ask instead for one of the formal routes, such as a Voice of the Child report, so your child's view is gathered by a neutral professional in a way the court can rely on.

Build a plan that gives your child a voice without a vote

The Parenting Plan Builder includes age-based schedules, review clauses and a section on how children will be consulted as they grow, so their views shape the plan without them having to choose.

Build a parenting plan

This guide is general information for parents, not medical, psychological or legal advice. It draws on published research and guidance from recognised health and family justice bodies, listed under Sources. Every child and family is different. If you are worried about your child or yourself, talk to your family doctor or a qualified professional. FairWell can help you find one through the professional directory. How we write and check our guides.