Grief in children when a family changes shape

Even when a separation is the right decision, and even when it brings relief, it is still a loss for children. The family they knew is changing shape. Many parents find this the hardest part to watch, because they are grieving too. This guide explains what children grieve, how grief shows up at different ages, and how to help your child carry it.

What children are grieving

Adults often think of separation as one event. For children it can be a series of losses:

• the family as it was, all under one roof
• everyday time with each parent, such as bedtime with one and breakfast with the other
• sometimes a home, a bedroom, a neighbourhood, a school, friends nearby or a pet
• family traditions and the way holidays used to look
• the future they imagined
• a sense that the world is predictable

The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry (AACAP) advises parents telling children about a divorce to "Admit that this will be sad and upsetting for everyone." Naming the loss honestly is where helping a child grieve begins.

How this grief is different

Most of what is written about children and grief is about death. A separation is different in an important way: both parents are still alive, and the family has not ended, it has changed shape. That can make grief harder to recognize. A child may feel they are not allowed to be sad when nobody has died, or may hold on to the hope that things will go back to how they were.

Guidance written about bereavement can still help, as long as we remember the difference. AACAP notes that grieving children often show sadness "on and off over a long period of time, especially around special times such as birthdays and holidays," that "anger is a natural reaction," and that children "may temporarily become more infantile." It also notes that younger children "frequently believe they are the cause of what happens around them." Guidance on separation from Justice Canada and the Canadian Paediatric Society describes similar reactions: sadness, anger, self-blame and going backwards for a while.

What grief can look like

Justice Canada's guide for separating parents uses the familiar stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance) to describe what children may go through, while noting that children may go through some or none of them, in any order. Some examples of how each might sound:

• Denial: "Dad's just on a work trip." Acting as if nothing has changed.
• Anger: "I hate you. You ruined everything."
• Bargaining: "If I'm really good, will you get back together?"
• Sadness: crying, withdrawing, losing interest in things they love.
• Acceptance: "This is how our family is now," often after a long time and with sadness still present.

These are not a checklist. Many children move back and forth, or skip stages entirely.

By age

• Babies and toddlers: they cannot understand the change, but they feel it. Justice Canada notes they may react with clinginess or withdrawal, crying, irritability and changes in sleep or eating.
• Preschoolers (3 to 5): may fear being abandoned, believe the separation is their fault, and mix up real and imagined explanations (Justice Canada). AACAP notes that preschoolers usually see death as "temporary and reversible", and in the same way young children may expect the family to simply go back to how it was.
• Ages 6 to 8: often openly sad, may cry a lot, and commonly fantasize about parents getting back together (Justice Canada). AACAP notes that many children take on responsibility for bringing their parents back together.
• Ages 9 to 12: may show strong anger, see things in absolutes, and feel shame (Justice Canada).
• Teenagers: may show grief as anger, avoidance or sadness, and may worry about their own future relationships (Justice Canada).

Grief comes in waves

Expect grief to come back. First birthdays and holidays in two homes, school concerts, the anniversary of the move, a parent's new partner, graduation: these can all bring the loss back into focus, sometimes years later. This is not a setback. It is how grief works. Plan for these days together where you can. See birthdays, holidays and special days in two homes.

How to help your child grieve

Let the feelings be there

You cannot take the sadness away, and trying to can teach children to hide it. Sit with it.

Be honest about what will not change

Hope that parents will reunite is common. Leaving it open can keep a child stuck, waiting and trying to fix things. The Canadian Paediatric Society advises telling children there was nothing they could do to prevent the separation and "nothing they (or others) can do to change it." Only say this if it is true.

Take the blame off them, again and again

A 2016 review for the UK government by the Early Intervention Foundation found that children who blame themselves for their parents' disagreements "experience guilt, shame, and sadness/depression." Grief is heavy enough without guilt on top. Say it often, even when your child has not asked.

Keep what you can the same

Familiar routines, a favourite blanket that travels between homes, the same school and friends where possible, regular time with grandparents and other important people. The Canadian Paediatric Society recommends keeping routines as normal as possible and maintaining connections with extended family. Each thing that stays the same is one less loss.

Make room for the old family, too

Children do not need to pretend the past did not happen. Family photos in their room, stories about when they were little, and traditions that carry on in both homes help them hold their history together. If a photo with both parents comforts your child, let them keep it.

Create new rituals

New traditions in each home, such as pancake Saturdays, a walk on the first evening back, or a new holiday custom, give children something to look forward to rather than only something to miss.

Grieve your own loss, out of their sight

It is fine for children to know you are sad sometimes. Justice Canada suggests saying: "I'm sad right now, but that's normal and I'll get through this. You don't need to worry." It is not fine for them to become responsible for your grief. Find adult support for the heavy parts. See when you didn't want the separation and keeping children out of the middle.

If there is family violence: some of the suggestions here, such as shared traditions or contact with the other parent on special days, may not be safe. Read safety planning during separation. Press Shift+Esc to leave this site quickly.

When a parent has stepped back or left

When one parent has little or no contact, children's grief can be more complicated. They may blame themselves, idealize the absent parent, or swing between longing and anger. Do not criticize the absent parent, and do not make promises on their behalf. Acknowledge what your child feels, and let them know that the absence is not about their worth.

Sadness that lasts is not the same as damage

A 2000 study by Laumann-Billings and Robert Emery found that most young people from divorced families function normally, yet many still carry "painful feelings, beliefs, and memories" about the divorce, while also accepting it. A 2003 review by Joan Kelly and Robert Emery separates these "lingering painful memories" from mental health problems. Your child may feel a pang about the separation at their wedding, or when they become a parent. That is grief doing its slow work, not a sign that you failed them.

The Harvard Center on the Developing Child describes even the loss of a loved one as a "tolerable" stress when it is time-limited and buffered by relationships with adults who help the child adapt. Your steady, loving presence is what makes this loss bearable.

What the research says

• Most young people from divorced families function normally while still carrying painful feelings and memories about the divorce (Laumann-Billings and Emery, US, 2000).
• Lingering painful memories are distinct from mental health problems, and the majority of children are resilient (Kelly and Emery, 2003).
• Supportive relationships with caring adults help children's stress response recover after hard events, including loss (Harvard Center on the Developing Child).
• Grief in children often comes and goes, especially around special days, and may include anger and temporary regression (AACAP, writing about bereavement).
• Children who blame themselves for their parents' disagreements experience guilt, shame and sadness, and warm parent-child relationships make self-blame less likely (Early Intervention Foundation review, UK, 2016).

When grief needs more help

AACAP, writing about children grieving a death, lists signs that a grieving child needs professional help, including:

• "An extended period of depression"
• "Acting much younger for an extended period"
• a "Sharp drop in school performance or refusal to attend school"

Also get help if your child seems persistently hopeless, withdraws from friends for weeks, or has big changes in sleep or eating. If your child talks about wanting to die or about hurting themselves, act the same day: see self-harm and suicidal thoughts in children. Start with your family doctor, a school counsellor or your local children's mental health service. You can find child and family therapists in the FairWell directory. See also signs your child is struggling, by age.

Sources

1. American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. Children and Divorce, Facts for Families No. 1. 2026. aacap.org
2. American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. Grief and Children, Facts for Families No. 8. 2023. aacap.org
3. Department of Justice Canada. Making plans: A guide to parenting arrangements after separation or divorce, Section 2. 2025. https://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/mp-fdp/p3.html
4. Department of Justice Canada. How children react at different ages and stages. 2024. https://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/hcrdas-refasd.html
5. Canadian Paediatric Society. Helping children cope with separation and divorce. 2018. https://caringforkids.cps.ca/handouts/mentalhealth/separation_and_divorce
6. Laumann-Billings, L., and Emery, R. E. Distress among young adults from divorced families. Journal of Family Psychology. 2000. https://doi.org/10.1037/0893-3200.14.4.671
7. Kelly, J. B., and Emery, R. E. Children's adjustment following divorce: Risk and resilience perspectives. Family Relations. 2003. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3729.2003.00352.x
8. Center on the Developing Child, Harvard University. Toxic Stress. Undated. https://developingchild.harvard.edu/key-concept/toxic-stress/
9. Harold, G., Acquah, D., Sellers, R., Chowdry, H., and Feinstein, L. (Early Intervention Foundation). What works to enhance inter-parental relationships and improve outcomes for children. 2016. gov.uk

This guide is general information for parents, not medical, psychological or legal advice. It draws on published research and guidance from recognised health and family justice bodies, listed under Sources. Every child and family is different. If you are worried about your child or yourself, talk to your family doctor or a qualified professional. FairWell can help you find one through the professional directory.