Talking to preteens (9 to 12) about separation: anger, sides and money

Preteens are sharp. They notice the tone of a phone call, the missing photos, the money conversations that stop when they walk in. They also tend to see things in black and white, which can mean one parent becomes the villain and the other the victim, sometimes switching week to week. You may be met with anger, cold silence, or a child who suddenly acts like the adult in the house.

None of this means you are getting it wrong. It means your child is old enough to have strong opinions and still young enough to need you to hold steady, kindly, while they have them.

This guide covers what 9 to 12 year olds understand and feel, how to handle anger and taking sides, how to answer the hard questions about what happened, money and moving, and when to get help. For planning the first conversation, see how to tell your children you are separating.

A note on safety. If there has been family violence, or you are afraid of the other parent, joint conversations, shared handovers and co-parenting may not be safe. Read separation and safety planning first. Press Shift+Esc to leave this site quickly.

What 9 to 12 year olds understand and feel

Justice Canada's guidance says children aged 9 to 12 tend to see things "in absolutes." They may feel torn, try hard to please both parents, or be angry and hostile towards one or both. Signs it lists for this age include:

• strong anger or aggression;
• pulling away from friends, or a sudden new peer group;
• shame or embarrassment about the separation;
• blaming one parent;
• "trying to 'take care of' the parent who they believe is more vulnerable";
• acting like a parent themselves.

Underneath most of these is the same thing: a child trying to make sense of a situation they did not choose and cannot control.

Anger

Anger can be a cover for hurt, fear or embarrassment. It may be aimed at the parent who left, the parent who stayed, or both, and it can shift from week to week.

Hold the usual limits, even when guilt tempts you to drop them. The American Academy of Pediatrics' parent site notes that "consistent parental discipline has been shown to be important" for children after separation. Give the anger somewhere to go: sport, music, a walk together, a journal they can keep private. Our guide to anger and acting out after separation goes further.

Taking sides

A preteen who decides one parent is to blame may say so loudly. It is tempting, especially if you feel wronged, to agree. Don't.

When your child blames the other parent

When your child blames you

There is a practical reason for restraint beyond kindness. Research on young adults (Rowen and Emery, 2018) found that criticising the other parent in front of children tended to make children feel more distant from both parents, "particularly the more frequent denigrator." Put plainly, running down the other parent usually backfires on the person doing it.

"What really happened?"

Preteens often push for the truth, and they can tell when they are being fobbed off. Be honest that there is a reason, and honest that the details stay private. Justice Canada's guidance is that "no matter what age your children are, they don't need to know the details about why the relationship ended."

If your child already knows something adult, perhaps from overhearing or from social media, do not deny it and do not add to it: "I'm sorry you heard about that. It's an adult thing and it's not yours to carry. You can tell me how you feel about it, and you can talk to Mom about it too."

Money

Preteens worry about money in concrete ways: the house, the holiday, the hockey fees, whether their friends will notice. Justice Canada advises keeping adult money problems to yourselves. That does not mean refusing to answer. It means answering at the level of their life.

• Never ask a child to carry messages about money. The Ontario chapter of the Association of Family and Conciliation Courts (AFCC-Ontario) is explicit that children should not carry messages, especially about money.
• Never ask about the other parent's spending, income or new purchases. The Canadian Paediatric Society says children "shouldn't be expected to give you information about the other parent's activities, friends or income."

Moving and changing schools

For a preteen, friends and school are the centre of life. If anything is changing, tell them as early as you can, with what you know and when you will know more. If nothing is changing, say so clearly, because they may be assuming the worst.

Give real choices where you can: how to set up their room, which things live where, what to tell friends. If a move is being considered, see relocation after separation.

Not your confidant, not the man or woman of the house

A preteen who is mature and kind can feel like a natural person to talk to. Justice Canada is direct: "Don't lean on your pre-teen for emotional support." The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry notes that some parents "turn to the child for comfort or direction. This can add to the pressure." The American Academy of Pediatrics' parent site warns against making a child your emotional support or "the man of the house."

If your child is doing extra chores, minding siblings or checking on you often, thank them, and then hand the job back to the adults.

Phones and privacy

Many children this age have a phone, which can be a lifeline or a channel for conflict. AFCC-Ontario's guide says items that belong to the child, including phones, go with the child between homes, and that older children in high-conflict families may benefit from a private way to contact the other parent. Do not check your child's phone for information about the other home, and do not message the other parent through your child.

Their voice in the arrangements

Preteens have opinions about the schedule, and many have good ones. Ask about their life (practice, friends, homework, which nights are hard) rather than which parent they prefer, and be clear who decides. Justice Canada's guidance across ages is that children's views matter but the parents make the decisions. Our guide to how much say older children get explains how the law treats children's views as they get older.

What to do tonight

• Decide what you will say if your child asks "what really happened?" and agree it with the other parent if you can.
• Check whether anything you have said in your child's hearing this week criticised the other parent. If so, repair it: "I said something unkind about your dad earlier. That wasn't fair to you."
• Take one adult job off your child's plate.
• Do one ordinary, enjoyable thing together that has nothing to do with the separation.

When to get more help

The Canadian Paediatric Society lists anxiety, sadness and depression, changes in eating or sleep, trouble at school and aggressive behaviour as signs to raise with your doctor "if the behaviour continues or worsens." The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry notes that older children may show "deep sadness and loss" and problems with schoolwork and behaviour.

Get help from your doctor, the school counsellor or a child mental health service if your child is withdrawing from friends for weeks, refusing school, showing anger that is getting worse rather than better, refusing to see a parent, or talking about feeling hopeless. If your child talks about wanting to die or hurting themselves, treat it seriously and get help the same day: see the crisis lines at the end of this page, and read warning signs of self-harm and suicidal thoughts in children. Help works, and asking your child directly does not put the idea in their head.

The professional directory lists child and family therapists.

What the research says

• Warmth plus consistent discipline changes outcomes. The New Beginnings Program, which teaches warm relationships, effective discipline and keeping children out of conflict, was tested in a randomised trial with 240 US mothers of 9 to 12 year olds. Fifteen years later, the young adults whose mothers had taken part had fewer internalising disorders such as depression and anxiety (15.52 percent versus 34.62 percent over 15 years) and the young men had fewer substance-related problems. One finding went the other way: young women in the program group drank more alcohol in the past month (Wolchik and colleagues, 2013).
• Why it worked. A follow-up analysis (Zhou and colleagues, 2008) found that better discipline explained the program's effect on grades, and a better mother-child relationship explained its effect on mental health problems for higher-risk teens. A later trial with both mothers and fathers in four US counties (Sandler and colleagues, 2020) found benefits for many families, though not equally for all.
• Feeling caught is what does the damage. In a study of 522 Californian young people aged 10 to 18 (Buchanan, Maccoby and Dornbusch, 1991), conflict between parents affected adjustment mainly through how caught in the middle young people felt. Being close to both parents, and parents cooperating, were linked to feeling less caught.
• Children can tell constructive from destructive conflict. A 2003 study of 175 US children aged 8 to 16 and 327 children aged 11 to 12 in Wales (Goeke-Morey, Cummings, Harold and Shelton) found that children's reactions depended on how their parents handled disagreements, and that children in both countries largely agreed on which tactics were destructive. Preteens notice the difference between calm disagreement and hostility.
• Running down the other parent backfires. Young adults whose parents criticised each other felt more distant from both, especially the parent who did it more (Rowen and Emery, 2018, US).

The hopeful thread through all of this: the things that help most, warmth, steady limits and keeping your child out of the adult disagreement, are the things you can start doing tonight.

Sources

1. Department of Justice Canada. How children react at different ages and stages. 2024. https://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/hcrdas-refasd.html
2. Department of Justice Canada. Making plans: A guide to parenting arrangements after separation or divorce, Section 2: What your children may be feeling. 2025. https://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/mp-fdp/p3.html
3. Canadian Paediatric Society. Helping children cope with separation and divorce (Caring for Kids). 2018. https://caringforkids.cps.ca/handouts/mentalhealth/separation_and_divorce
4. American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. Children and Divorce (Facts for Families No. 1). Updated 2026. https://www.aacap.org/AACAP/Families_and_Youth/Facts_for_Families/FFF-Guide/Children-and-Divorce-001.aspx
5. Salek, E. C., and Ginsburg, K. R. Traps Divorced or Separating Parents Should Avoid. HealthyChildren.org, American Academy of Pediatrics. 2014. https://www.healthychildren.org/English/healthy-living/emotional-wellness/Building-Resilience/Pages/Traps-Divorced-or-Separating-Parents-Should-Avoid.aspx
6. AFCC-Ontario. Parenting Plan Guide. 2020. https://www.afccnet.org/Portals/0/PDF/AFCC-O-Parenting-Plan-Guide%20(Jan%202020)1.pdf
7. Rowen, J., and Emery, R. E. Parental denigration: A form of conflict that typically backfires. Family Court Review, 56(2). 2018. https://doi.org/10.1111/fcre.12339
8. Buchanan, C. M., Maccoby, E. E., and Dornbusch, S. M. Caught between parents: Adolescents' experience in divorced homes. Child Development, 62(5). 1991. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-8624.1991.tb01586.x
9. Wolchik, S. A., Sandler, I. N., Tein, J.-Y., et al. Fifteen-year follow-up of a randomized trial of a preventive intervention for divorced families. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 81(4). 2013. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0033235
10. Zhou, Q., Sandler, I. N., Millsap, R. E., Wolchik, S. A., and Dawson-McClure, S. R. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 76(4), 579 to 594 (analysis of why the New Beginnings Program worked). 2008. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-006X.76.4.579
11. Sandler, I., Wolchik, S., Mazza, G., et al. Randomized effectiveness trial of the New Beginnings Program for divorced families with children and adolescents. Journal of Clinical Child and Adolescent Psychology, 49(1). 2020. https://doi.org/10.1080/15374416.2018.1540008
12. Goeke-Morey, M. C., Cummings, E. M., Harold, G. T., and Shelton, K. H. Categories and continua of destructive and constructive marital conflict tactics from the perspective of U.S. and Welsh children. Journal of Family Psychology, 17(3). 2003. https://doi.org/10.1037/0893-3200.17.3.327
13. American Academy of Pediatrics, HealthyChildren.org. How to Support Children after Their Parents Separate or Divorce. 2020. https://www.healthychildren.org/English/healthy-living/emotional-wellness/Building-Resilience/Pages/How-to-Support-Children-after-Parents-Separate-or-Divorce.aspx
14. REACH Institute, Arizona State University. New Beginnings Program. Undated. https://reachinstitute.asu.edu/new-beginnings-program
15. American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. Suicide in Children and Teens (Facts for Families No. 10). Updated 2024. https://www.aacap.org/AACAP/Families_and_Youth/Facts_for_Families/FFF-Guide/Teen-Suicide-010.aspx

This guide is general information for parents, not medical, psychological or legal advice. It draws on published research and guidance from recognised health and family justice bodies, listed under Sources. Every child and family is different. If you are worried about your child or yourself, talk to your family doctor or a qualified professional. FairWell can help you find one through the professional directory.