Phone, video and messages with the other parent: what helps children

The short answer

Many children are comforted by easy, regular contact with the parent they are not with, though needs differ, so shape it to your child and their age: short, playful calls for young children, more independence for teens. Agree a predictable call window, keep adult business out of the calls, and never question your child afterwards about the other home. If calls become a source of conflict, set clear ground rules or get help.

A call with the other parent should be a small, ordinary good thing in a child's week. Too often it becomes something else: a duty the child dreads, a moment one parent listens in on, or a channel for adult arguments. With a few agreed habits, most families can make calls and messages something children look forward to.

A note on evidence: we did not find a published study that tests how phone or video contact with a parent affects children after separation. The advice here comes from professional guidance, chiefly from the Association of Family and Conciliation Courts (AFCC), Justice Canada, the Canadian Paediatric Society and the American Academy of Pediatrics, each named below.

The wider research does explain why the ground rules matter. In a classic US study of 522 young people aged 10 to 18 (Buchanan, Maccoby and Dornbusch, 1991), conflict between parents affected adjustment mainly through children's feeling of being caught in the middle, and a call used for messages or questions is one of the quickest ways to put a child there. A 2018 review by UK researchers Harold and Sellers found conflict "ranging from silence to violence" affects children whether their parents live together or apart. And US research by Rowen and Emery (2018) found that running down a co-parent in front of children appears to "boomerang", leaving children feeling more distant from the parent who does it.

What children need from contact, by age

The AFCC-Ontario Parenting Plan Guide makes two points that are worth knowing before you set anything up. First, children differ: some who are doing well become upset just hearing the other parent's voice, while others are comforted by regular contact. Second, needs change with age and with stress, so the arrangement should change too.

Babies and toddlers (birth to 2). Keep it very short: a minute or two of a song, a peekaboo or a wave goodnight is plenty.
Preschoolers (3 to 5). The AFCC-Ontario guide notes that younger children "become bored or restless with conversations that are too long." Doing something together works better than questions: a story, showing a toy, a silly face game.
School-age children (6 to 12). They can hold a conversation, especially about specifics: the game, the test, the friend. Routine calls work well. Some like to play an online game or do homework together.
Teenagers (13 and up). Many will text more than call. The AFCC-Ontario guide notes that older children in high-conflict families may benefit from a private way to contact the other parent. A teen's own phone, used respectfully by both parents, can give them that.

Setting it up

Agree a predictable window

An Arizona AFCC co-parenting guide notes that some families set a window for calls and a time limit. "Between 6:30 and 7 on Tuesdays and Thursdays, about 15 minutes" is easier to keep than "whenever". Write it into your plan, with a back-up if a call is missed.

Leave room for the child's own need

The Canadian Paediatric Society advises: "Let your child talk to the other parent whenever they need to." A scheduled window is the floor, not the ceiling. If your child wants to tell their mother about the goal they scored, let them.

Watch for intrusion

There is a balance. The same Arizona guide cautions that frequent texting between a parent and child can intrude on the other parent's time. Contact should help the child feel connected to both homes, not keep them half in the other one. Constant messages during a parent's time, or calls that run every evening, can make it harder for the child to settle.

Set ground rules if conflict is likely

The AFCC-Ontario guide suggests ground rules where conflict is likely. Examples parents use:

Calls are between the parent and child. Adult issues go by message or email, never through the call.
The parent with the child helps the call happen and then gives privacy.
Neither parent asks the child about the other home.
No promises about schedule changes are made to the child during calls.
If a call cannot happen, the parent with the child offers another time.

If you are the parent with the child

Your job is to make the call easy and to step back. That can be harder than it sounds if you are still hurting: hearing your child laugh with their other parent can sting. It is fine to feel that. It is kinder to your child not to let it show, and to take the feeling to a friend later.

Remind your child, charge the device, find a quiet spot.
Say something positive as you hand over.
Give privacy. Hovering or listening in teaches a child to watch what they say.
Do not quiz them afterwards. AFCC's Parents Are Forever warns that questioning children about the other parent's life can make them feel like spies, and the American Academy of Pediatrics says children should not be "pumped for information".

"It's Dad on the phone! Go tell him about the field trip. I'll be in the kitchen."

"Make it quick, we're busy. And don't tell him about the new car."

After the call: "Sounds like you had a nice chat."

After the call: "What did your mom say about me? Did she mention the weekend?"

If you are the parent calling

Keep it light, warm and about your child.

Ask about specific things: the spelling test, the new puppy next door.
Share a bit of your own day in a child-friendly way.
Do things together for young children: read, sing, play.
End on time, warmly, with the next contact named.
Do not use the call to pass messages to the other parent. AFCC's Making Your Parenting Plan Work is plain: "Never ask your children to pass messages back and forth."
Do not make your child responsible for your feelings.

"I loved hearing about the play. Good luck tomorrow. I'll call you Thursday, same time."

"I'm so lonely without you. Ask your mom if you can come back early."

"What was the best part of your week?"

"Who's been coming over to your dad's place?"

Messages, phones and older children

Once children have their own phones, contact becomes more spontaneous, which is often good. A few principles help:

The phone is the child's. The AFCC-Ontario guide says items that belong to the child, including phones, go with the child between homes.
Respect the other home's rules. If phones go in the kitchen at nine in one house, do not message the child at ten.
Keep adult business off the child's phone. No messages for the child to relay, no screenshots of arguments, no complaints about the other parent.
Let them reach either parent when they need to. For teenagers, especially where parents are in conflict, that private line matters.

"Good luck at the tryout today. Text me after if you want."

"Tell your father he hasn't paid for the trip yet."

Children's images and family news online can become a flashpoint. The AFCC-Ontario guide suggests parenting plans include terms about posting pictures of the children, and Justice Canada's Making Plans lists social media and sharing children's images as issues to consider. The AFCC-Ontario guide also warns that attacking the other parent online "may be used against the parent who posted such comments." Agree what is shared, ask older children before posting them, and keep separation content off public feeds. See social media during separation.

When a child does not want to talk

Children sometimes refuse calls because they are busy, tired, shy on the phone or upset about something. Do not force a long call, and do not read every refusal as rejection.

To the child: "You don't have to talk long. Just say goodnight, and you can tell Mom about the game another time."

To the child: "Fine, I'll tell her you don't want to talk to her."

If a child consistently refuses contact with one parent, there can be many reasons, and it is worth getting help early. See when a child refuses to see the other parent.

When calls become a battleground

If calls are routinely missed, cut short, monitored or used to argue, change the structure rather than the child's behaviour. Write precise times into the plan, move adult communication to a separate channel, and consider a parenting coordinator or mediator. For some families that separate channel is a co-parenting app, where the call schedule sits on a shared calendar and messages between parents are kept as a written record, so nothing needs to pass through the child. Our side-by-side comparison of co-parenting apps sets out what each one offers. Where there has been family violence, check any shared tool with a safety advisor first. Our guide to communicating with a high-conflict ex may also help.

If there is family violence: calls, video contact and shared communication may not be safe. Justice Canada's guide notes that arrangements needing regular contact between parents can create opportunities for further family violence, and AFCC guidance says plans must be modified where there is domestic violence. Contact may need to be supervised, limited or arranged through a third party. Read safety planning during separation. Press Shift+Esc to leave this site quickly.

Signs your child needs more support

Seek advice if your child becomes very distressed before or after calls over a long period, refuses all contact, seems frightened of the other parent, or shows other changes such as ongoing sadness, anxiety, sleep or appetite changes, or trouble at school. If your child tells you something that makes you worried about their safety, contact your local child protection agency (Canada) or child protective services (US), and do not question them in detail yourself. See signs a child is struggling after separation.

Sources

AFCC-Ontario. Parenting Plan Guide. 2020. afccnet.org
Arizona Chapter of the AFCC. Co-Parenting Communication Guide. 2011. afccnet.org
Canadian Paediatric Society. Helping children cope with separation and divorce. 2018. caringforkids.cps.ca
Association of Family and Conciliation Courts. Parents Are Forever. Revised 2003. afccnet.org
Association of Family and Conciliation Courts. Making Your Parenting Plan Work. Revised 2003. afccnet.org
Salek EC, Ginsburg KR (American Academy of Pediatrics, HealthyChildren.org). Traps Divorced or Separating Parents Should Avoid. 2014. healthychildren.org
Department of Justice Canada. Making Plans: A guide to parenting arrangements after separation or divorce. 2026. justice.gc.ca
AFCC Massachusetts Chapter. Planning for Shared Parenting: A Guide for Parents Living Apart. c. 2004. afccnet.org
Buchanan CM, Maccoby EE, Dornbusch SM. Caught between parents: adolescents' experience in divorced homes. Child Development. 1991. doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-8624.1991.tb01586.x
Harold GT, Sellers R. Annual Research Review: Interparental conflict and youth psychopathology: an evidence review and practice focused update. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry. 2018. doi.org/10.1111/jcpp.12893
Rowen J, Emery RE. Parental denigration: a form of conflict that typically backfires. Family Court Review. 2018. doi.org/10.1111/fcre.12339

This guide is general information, not medical, psychological or legal advice. If you are worried about your child's safety or mental health, contact a professional or one of the services listed above.

If someone is in immediate danger, call 911. In Canada, call or text 9-8-8 (Suicide Crisis Helpline), or reach Kids Help Phone at 1-800-668-6868 or text CONNECT to 686868. In the US, call, text or chat 988 (Suicide and Crisis Lifeline).

Common questions

How often should my child call the other parent?

There is no single right amount. A predictable call window, such as two or three set times a week, is easy for everyone to remember, with room for the child to call whenever they need to, as the Canadian Paediatric Society advises. Adjust for age: short and frequent for young children, more independence for teens.

Should I listen in on my child's calls with the other parent?

Generally no. Help the call happen and then give privacy. If you have genuine safety concerns, raise them with a lawyer or the court rather than monitoring calls yourself.

My toddler won't stay on video calls. What should we do?

That is normal at this age. Keep calls to a minute or two and do something together, such as a song or a story, rather than asking questions.

Can I limit how much the other parent texts my teenager during my time?

You can raise it with the other parent. AFCC guidance notes frequent texting can intrude on the other parent's time. Agree reasonable limits together, while keeping your teen's ability to reach either parent when they need to.

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This guide is general information for parents, not medical, psychological or legal advice. It draws on published research and guidance from recognised health and family justice bodies, listed under Sources. Every child and family is different. If you are worried about your child or yourself, talk to your family doctor or a qualified professional. FairWell can help you find one through the professional directory.