What children want from parents who separate: the research checklist

When parents separate, the advice comes from everywhere. The good news is that the bodies who study children most closely, the American Academy of Pediatrics, the Canadian Paediatric Society and the American Psychological Association, largely agree. This page pulls their guidance into one checklist, with the source for each item, so you can return to it on hard days or share it with your child's other parent.

One exception runs through all of it: where there is abuse, safety comes first. The Canadian Paediatric Society says that if separation follows abuse, finding a safe place for you and your children is the priority. Several items below assume both homes are safe.

The checklist

1. Keep conflict away from them

The American Psychological Association's guidance on healthy divorce says ongoing parental conflict increases children's risk of psychological and social problems, and advises doing your best to keep conflict away from the kids. Justice Canada notes that under the Divorce Act, parents have a duty to protect their children from conflict relating to parenting and support issues. In practice: no arguments in front of them, in person or on the phone, and no adult details.

2. Keep them out of the middle

The American Academy of Pediatrics' 2016 clinical report says children ideally should not be put in the middle, such as being asked to pass on information about one parent to the other, because it can leave them feeling disloyal, guilty and angry. The Canadian Paediatric Society's Caring for Kids guidance adds: communicate directly with the other parent, do not use children as messengers, and do not ask them about the other parent's activities, friends or income.

3. Support their relationship with both parents, where it is safe

The APA advises supporting children's close contact with both parents. The CPS says let your child talk to the other parent when they need to, show interest in their time there, and never suggest they are disloyal for enjoying it. HelpGuide's list of what children want from their parents puts it in a child's voice: please support the time I spend with each of you, because if you act jealous or upset, I feel I have to take sides.

4. Tell them together, honestly, at their level

The CPS suggests planning the conversation, telling them together if you can, and matching detail to age: younger children need less, older children may ask for more. The APA notes it is often helpful for parents to agree a plan and present it together. Our guide to telling your children has a script.

5. Make sure they know it is not their fault, and not theirs to fix

Both the AAP and the CPS stress this. Young children especially may believe they caused the separation. Explain that it is an adult problem, that nothing they did caused it, and that nothing they do can change it.

6. Let them have their feelings

The AAP says children can be given permission for their feelings and chances to express them. The CPS advises listening carefully, being patient, and helping them find another trusted adult if they find it hard to talk to you. Children may be angry with you. Let them say so.

7. Give notice before big changes

The APA suggests that, when appropriate, children get a few weeks' notice before a move or before one parent leaves. Surprises in the middle of upheaval feel like the ground moving.

8. Keep routines, and limit other changes

The AAP says school, activities, contact with family and friends, discipline and responsibilities should stay as normal as possible. The CPS says children feel safer when they know what to expect, and suggests working toward common routines across both homes. The APA advises minimising other changes in the months and years after the divorce. If a new school, home and partner can wait, let them.

9. Speak kindly about the other parent, or not at all

The CPS advises against speaking negatively about the other parent to your children, extended family or friends. HelpGuide's child-voice list says the same: when you say unkind things about my other parent, I feel you expect me to take your side.

10. Keep the people they love

The CPS notes children may feel their relationships with aunts, uncles and grandparents are changing, and recommends plenty of chances to keep those connections. It also suggests keeping teachers, coaches and childcare providers informed so they can watch for warning signs.

11. Look after yourself, so you can look after them

The CPS reminds parents to make time for themselves and to find a supportive friend or counsellor rather than leaning on children. HelpGuide is blunt: never vent negative feelings to your child.

12. Consider a parent education program

The APA says parent education programs focused on improving parent-child relationships have been shown to help children cope better in the months and years after divorce. See our guide to parenting programs after separation.

In their words

HelpGuide frames the same guidance as a message from a child to both parents. Paraphrased, it asks:

• Stay involved in my life. Call, text and ask me questions. When you do not, I feel I am not important.
• Stop fighting and try to agree on things about me. When you fight about me, I think I did something wrong.
• Let me love you both and enjoy my time with each of you without feeling I have to take sides.
• Talk to each other directly, so I do not have to carry messages.
• Say kind things about my other parent, or nothing at all.
• Remember that I want both of you in my life.

Every item maps onto the research checklist above. It can help to read it aloud to yourself before a difficult handover or a hard text.

What to expect, and when to worry

Reactions are normal. The CPS says a younger child may return to behaviours they had outgrown, and older children may be angry or overwhelmed, and that these should get better over time. The AAP says many children show behaviour changes in the first year and most adjustment problems resolve within two to three years, though a sense of loss can return at holidays, birthdays and milestones. The APA cites research that most children adjust well within two years.

Watch for distress that persists or worsens. The CPS lists anxiety, sadness and depression, changes in eating or sleep, trouble at school and aggressive behaviour, and says to speak to your doctor if behaviour continues or gets worse. HelpGuide says that if things get worse rather than better after several months, a child may be stuck in depression, anxiety or anger, and lists warning signs including sleep problems, poor concentration, withdrawal, frequent angry outbursts, drug or alcohol use, and self-injury. Our guide to signs your child is struggling goes age by age.

The checklist on one screen

1. Keep conflict away from them.
2. Keep them out of the middle: no messengers, no spies.
3. Support both relationships, where it is safe.
4. Tell them together, honestly, at their level.
5. It is not their fault, and not theirs to fix.
6. Let them have their feelings.
7. Give notice before big changes.
8. Keep routines; limit other changes.
9. Speak kindly about the other parent, or not at all.
10. Keep the people they love.
11. Look after yourself.
12. Consider a parent education program.

Turn the checklist into a plan

Most items on this list are easier when they are written down and both parents have agreed them: handover rules, how you will talk to each other, routines across two homes, and how children's views will be heard as they grow. The Parenting Plan Builder covers each of these. If you are not sure where you stand yet, start with the free FairWell assessment.

There are also good resources for children themselves. Justice Canada publishes What happens next? Information for kids about separation and divorce, and Families Change has age-appropriate pages for kids, teens and parents.

When to get professional help

• Right away if your child talks about self-harm or suicide, or you see self-injury. In Canada and the US, you can call or text 988, the suicide crisis line, or call 911 in an emergency. Children in Canada can also reach Kids Help Phone at 1-800-668-6868 or by texting CONNECT to 686868.
• Soon if distress is getting worse after several months, or affects school, sleep or friendships: start with your child's doctor.
• Any time you think a child is being abused or neglected: the CPS advises seeing a doctor or contacting your local child welfare agency.
• For you: a counsellor, mediator or family lawyer. The FairWell directory can help you find one.

Sources

• Healthy divorce: How to make your split as smooth as possible (American Psychological Association)
• Helping children cope with separation and divorce (Canadian Paediatric Society, Caring for Kids, last updated August 2018)
• Cohen and Weitzman, Helping Children and Families Deal With Divorce and Separation, Pediatrics 138(6), 2016 (American Academy of Pediatrics)
• Children and Divorce (HelpGuide, last updated 18 February 2026)
• Fact Sheet: Family dispute resolution, including parents' duty to protect children from conflict (Department of Justice Canada)
• What happens next? Information for kids about separation and divorce (Department of Justice Canada)
• Families Change (Justice Education Society of BC)
• Kids Help Phone
• 9-8-8: Suicide Crisis Helpline (Canada)
• 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline (SAMHSA, US)

This guide is general information for parents, not medical, psychological or legal advice. It draws on published research and guidance from recognised health and family justice bodies, listed under Sources. Every child and family is different. If you are worried about your child or yourself, talk to your family doctor or a qualified professional. FairWell can help you find one through the professional directory. How we write and check our guides.