Talking to 6 to 8 year olds about separation: guilt, loyalty and hope

Six, seven and eight year olds are old enough to understand that something big has changed, and young enough to believe they might be the reason, or the solution. They may cry at bedtime, ask whether you still love each other, draw pictures of everyone back in one house, or tell you it is not fair. All of this is normal. What they need from you is clear, honest and repeated.

This guide covers what children of this age understand and feel, five themes that come up again and again with words to use for each, how to support them at school, and when to get help. For planning the first conversation, see how to tell your children you are separating.

A note on safety. If there has been family violence, or you are afraid of the other parent, joint conversations and shared handovers may not be safe. Read separation and safety planning first. Press Shift+Esc to leave this site quickly.

What 6 to 8 year olds understand and feel

Justice Canada's guidance on children aged 6 to 8 says they may feel guilty, take one parent's side, fear losing a parent, and fantasise about their parents getting back together. Signs parents may notice include sadness and crying, tantrums, "difficulty playing and having fun", setbacks in behaviour they had outgrown, physical complaints such as stomach aches, and "feeling loyalty conflicts".

The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry (AACAP) adds: "Children often believe they have caused the conflict between their parents. Many children assume the responsibility for bringing their parents back together."

So the job at this age is to lift two weights off your child: the belief that they caused it, and the belief that it is up to them to fix it.

Five themes, and what to say

1. Guilt: "Is it because of me?"

A child who overheard an argument about their behaviour, or about money for their activities, may decide that they were the problem.

2. Grief: missing what was

Your child may miss the parent who is not there, miss the old house, or miss the family as it was, even when they are happy in the moment. Let them be sad without needing to fix it.

3. Loyalty: "If I love Dad, does that hurt Mom?"

This is the theme to watch most carefully. A child caught in a loyalty conflict may protect the parent they think is sadder by hiding how much they enjoyed the other home. AACAP warns that "pressure on a child to 'choose' sides can be particularly harmful," and the Canadian Paediatric Society advises parents: "Don't suggest with words or actions that your child is disloyal if they enjoy the time away from you."

Notice your face and tone when your child comes back. A small sigh or a silence when they mention the other home can teach them to stop telling you things.

4. Hope: "Will you get back together?"

Justice Canada notes that children this age may fantasise about their parents getting back together, and advises reassuring them that "there is nothing they can do to get their parents back together." The Canadian Paediatric Society says children should understand there is "nothing they (or others) can do to change it." Kind clarity is easier on a child in the long run than leaving the door open.

Watch for "fixing" behaviour: a child who becomes unusually good, tries to get you both in the same room, or acts as a go-between. Gently name it and take the job back: "You don't have to make Mom and me be friends. That's our job, and we're working on being polite to each other."

5. Fairness: "It's not fair!"

From your child's point of view, it isn't. They did not choose this. Agree, briefly, rather than arguing the point.

When it comes to the schedule, Justice Canada suggests telling children their perspective matters "but that the parents will make the decisions." That gives them a voice without the weight of choosing.

School and friends

School is a big part of life at this age, and a place where worries can show before they show at home.

• Tell the teacher. The Canadian Paediatric Society suggests letting teachers, child care providers and coaches know what is happening so they can watch for warning signs. A short, factual note is enough: what has changed, the schedule, who to contact, and a request to let you know if anything worries them.
• Use school as the bridge. The Ontario chapter of the Association of Family and Conciliation Courts (AFCC-Ontario) notes that exchanges at a neutral place such as school help 6 to 9 year olds, because one parent drops off and the other picks up without a face-to-face handover.
• Make sure homework and gear travel. Lost library books and missing gym shoes become real stress for a 7 year old. A checklist by the door in each home helps.
• Help them with what to tell friends. "You can tell friends as much or as little as you want. You could just say: my mom and dad live in two houses now."

Our guide to school during separation covers report cards, parent-teacher meetings and information sharing.

Keeping in touch with the other parent

AFCC-Ontario notes that children differ: some who are doing well become upset just hearing the other parent's voice, while others are comforted by regular contact. Notice which your child is. Short, predictable calls (a goodnight call at the same time, for example) often suit this age better than long or unplanned ones. Never listen in to judge, and never use calls to pass messages between adults.

What to do tonight

• At bedtime, say both key messages again: "It's not because of you, and it's not your job to fix it."
• Put a calendar where your child can see it, with both homes marked.
• Write a three-line note to the teacher.
• Notice how you respond when your child mentions the other parent. Aim for interest and warmth.
• Agree with the other parent to share anything your child asks, so you give the same answers.

When to get more help

Some sadness, crying and tantrums are expected in the first months. AACAP notes that older children who are struggling may show "deep sadness and loss" and problems with schoolwork or behaviour. The Canadian Paediatric Society lists anxiety, sadness and depression, changes in eating or sleep, trouble at school and aggressive behaviour as signs of more serious difficulty, and advises: "If the behaviour continues or worsens, speak to your doctor."

Ask for help from your doctor, the school counsellor or a child mental health service if your child:

• seems to have lost the ability to play and have fun for weeks at a time;
• is withdrawing from friends or activities they loved;
• is having repeated stomach aches or headaches, or refusing to go to school;
• keeps blaming themselves despite your reassurance;
• is taking on the job of looking after a parent.

See signs your child is struggling for more. The professional directory lists child and family therapists.

What the research says

• What children think about conflict matters. A 2008 meta-analysis of studies of children aged 5 to 19 (Rhoades) found that children's thoughts about their parents' conflict, especially feeling threatened by it and blaming themselves, were linked with moderate effect sizes to anxiety, low mood, behaviour problems and lower self-esteem.
• Younger children need to see resolution clearly. A 2016 UK review by the Early Intervention Foundation found adolescents are better than children under 9 at picking up cues that a conflict has been resolved. Younger children may not notice a quiet truce, so let them see you being polite and say it out loud: "Dad and I sorted out the weekend plan."
• How conflicts end matters. A US study of families with children (Goeke-Morey, Cummings and Papp, 2007) found children are "sensitive to the broader implications of conflict endings", and their reactions to how conflicts were resolved related to their wider adjustment.
• Emotional security is the mechanism. In a US study that followed 235 families with children aged 5 to 7 at the start over three waves (McCoy, Cummings and Davies, 2009), children's sense of emotional security connected the way parents handled conflict, constructively or destructively, with how kind and helpful the children were over time.

Children this age are watching closely, and that works both ways. Every calm handover, every "Dad and I sorted it out", every time you smile when they mention the other home, tells them the ground is steady again.

Sources

1. Department of Justice Canada. How children react at different ages and stages. 2024. https://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/parent/hcrdas-refasd.html
2. American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. Children and Divorce (Facts for Families No. 1). Updated 2026. https://www.aacap.org/AACAP/Families_and_Youth/Facts_for_Families/FFF-Guide/Children-and-Divorce-001.aspx
3. Canadian Paediatric Society. Helping children cope with separation and divorce (Caring for Kids). 2018. https://caringforkids.cps.ca/handouts/mentalhealth/separation_and_divorce
4. AFCC-Ontario. Parenting Plan Guide. 2020. https://www.afccnet.org/Portals/0/PDF/AFCC-O-Parenting-Plan-Guide%20(Jan%202020)1.pdf
5. Rhoades, K. A. Children's responses to interparental conflict: A meta-analysis of their associations with child adjustment. Child Development, 79(6). 2008. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-8624.2008.01235.x
6. Harold, G., Acquah, D., Sellers, R., Chowdry, H., and Feinstein, L. What works to enhance inter-parental relationships and improve outcomes for children. Early Intervention Foundation. 2016. https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/what-works-to-enhance-inter-parental-relationships-and-improve-outcomes-for-children
7. Goeke-Morey, M. C., Cummings, E. M., and Papp, L. M. Children and marital conflict resolution: Implications for emotional security and adjustment. Journal of Family Psychology, 21(4). 2007. https://doi.org/10.1037/0893-3200.21.4.744
8. McCoy, K., Cummings, E. M., and Davies, P. T. Constructive and destructive marital conflict, emotional security and children's prosocial behavior. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 50(3). 2009. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1469-7610.2008.01945.x

This guide is general information for parents, not medical, psychological or legal advice. It draws on published research and guidance from recognised health and family justice bodies, listed under Sources. Every child and family is different. If you are worried about your child or yourself, talk to your family doctor or a qualified professional. FairWell can help you find one through the professional directory.