Co-parenting best practices: what the evidence actually supports

If you are reading this late at night, trying to work out whether you are getting co-parenting right, you are probably already doing more than you give yourself credit for. There is a lot of advice out there, and much of it contradicts itself. Some of it is well supported. Some of it is opinion. Some of it is the subject of a genuine, ongoing argument among researchers. This guide sorts the advice into those three piles, so you can put your limited energy where it matters most for your children.

The short version is hopeful. The things that matter most are not the things you cannot control, such as the other parent's personality or the exact schedule a court sets. They are things you can start on today, in your own home.

Where the evidence is strongest

1. Protect children from conflict

This is the most consistent finding in the field. An early meta-analysis of 92 studies (Amato and Keith, 1991) found that, of the explanations tested, the most consistent support was for a family conflict explanation of why children of divorce did less well. A research review for Justice Canada (2002) described anger-based conflict between parents as "a strong predictor, and risk factor, of child maladjustment regardless of the family type in which the child is living, whether intact, divorced or stepfamily." A UK government evidence review (2016) found that children of all ages, from infancy to adulthood, can be affected by destructive conflict between parents.

Importantly, cold conflict counts too. A 2020 meta-analysis of 169 studies (van Eldik and colleagues) found that disengaged and unconstructive conflict behaviour, not only open hostility, carried risks for children. Silence, contempt and stonewalling are not neutral.

In practice: no arguments at handovers (the AFCC calls this "of critical importance"), no tense calls in earshot, and no discussion of money or the case in front of the children.

2. Keep children out of the middle

In a study of 522 US adolescents (Buchanan, Maccoby and Dornbusch, 1991), conflict between parents affected teenagers' adjustment indirectly, through their feeling caught between their parents. Teens who were close to both parents felt less caught. A later US study of young adults (Amato and Afifi, 2006) found feeling caught was linked to lower wellbeing and poorer relationships with parents, and that these feelings tended to fade in the decade after divorce.

Children feel caught when they carry messages, are asked about the other home, hear one parent run down the other, or sense they must choose. See keeping children out of the middle.

3. Don't run down the other parent

Research by Jenna Rowen and Robert Emery (2018) found that denigrating a co-parent in front of children was linked to children feeling more distant from both parents, "particularly the more frequent denigrator". The pattern held for mothers and fathers, in married and divorced families. Their conclusion: denigration "appears to boomerang and hurt the parent's own relationship with the children." See talking to your child about the other parent.

4. Parent well in your own home

This is the part fully in your control. The New Beginnings Program, tested in randomised trials in the US, teaches warmth, effective discipline and keeping children out of conflict. Analysis of one trial (Zhou and colleagues, 2008) found improved discipline explained gains in grades, and an improved mother-child relationship explained reductions in mental health problems for higher-risk adolescents. A 2018 review of 11 studies of high-conflict families (Mahrer and colleagues) found that "high quality of parenting by at least one parent is associated with better child adjustment in high conflict divorces." You cannot control the other home. You can make yours warm, predictable and firm.

The American Academy of Pediatrics adds that children do better when parents collaborate, communicate regularly and offer consistent rules across homes, that consistent discipline in particular has been shown to be important, and that it is critical that parents support, rather than undermine, each other's parenting authority.

5. Look after your own mental health

Getting treatment for your own depression may help your children too. In a US study of mothers treated with medication (Weissman and colleagues, 2006), when mothers' depression went into remission with treatment, their children's psychiatric diagnoses fell by 11%, compared with an increase of about 8% where the mother's depression did not remit. A 2015 meta-analysis of nine randomised trials of talking therapy for depressed mothers (Cuijpers and colleagues) found that psychotherapy "may have a positive effect on the mental health of their children", though the authors say more high-quality research is needed. Most of this research is on mothers; nothing in it suggests fathers are different, but it has not been tested in the same way. Getting help for yourself is one way of helping your child, and it is not selfish. See depression after separation.

6. Consider an evidence-based parenting program

In a randomised trial, adolescents whose mothers had taken part in New Beginnings with their children had lower rates of diagnosed mental disorder six years later (11% versus 23.5% in the comparison group; Wolchik and colleagues, 2002, US). A 2024 meta-analysis of 40 studies of education programs for separating parents found small effects that were not maintained at follow-up, so the stronger long-term evidence is for skills-based programs like New Beginnings. See parenting programs after separation.

Where the evidence is mixed: how warm co-parenting needs to be

You may have been told that children only thrive if their parents become friendly co-parents. The research is more reassuring than that.

• A US study of 944 divorced families (Amato, Kane and James, 2011) found three patterns: cooperative co-parenting, parallel parenting and single parenting. Children in cooperative families had the fewest behaviour problems and closest ties to their fathers, but did not score significantly better on 10 other outcomes. The authors called it "modest support" for the idea of a "good divorce".
• A US study of 270 separated parents (Beckmeyer, Coleman and Ganong, 2014) found parents' reports of children's adjustment did not differ significantly between cooperative, moderately engaged and "infrequent but conflictual" co-parenting.
• A Portuguese study of 314 divorced parents (Lamela and colleagues, 2016) found cooperative co-parenting was linked to better family functioning and fewer emotional and behavioural problems in children.

Read together: cooperation is associated with better outcomes in some studies but not all. What holds up consistently is that exposure to conflict and the quality of each parent's parenting matter. If warm cooperation is possible, wonderful. If it is not, a calm, business-like or parallel arrangement that keeps conflict away from children is a legitimate choice, not a failure.

Where the evidence is contested: equal parenting time

Whether children do better with roughly equal time in each home is one of the most debated questions in family research. A 2018 commentary in the Journal of Child Custody put it plainly: "The debate about joint physical custody rages in the scientific community." Here is what each side points to.

Studies that find joint physical custody is associated with good outcomes

• A national Swedish survey of 147,839 children aged 12 and 15 (Bergström and colleagues, 2015) found children in joint physical custody reported fewer psychosomatic problems than children living mostly or only with one parent, though more than children in intact families. For example, sleep problems "often" or "always" were reported by 22% of children living only with one parent, 19% living mostly with one parent, 14% in joint custody and 13% in intact families.
• A Swedish study of 3,656 children aged 3 to 5 (Bergström and colleagues, 2018) found children in joint physical custody had fewer psychological symptoms than those living mostly or only with one parent, on both parent and teacher reports.
• A Swedish study of children aged 10 to 18 (Fransson and colleagues, 2016) found children in joint physical custody did not report more psychological complaints than children in intact families. Adjusting for socioeconomic factors and parental ill-health changed the results only marginally.
• Linda Nielsen, a researcher who advocates shared parenting, argued in a 2018 review of 60 studies that joint physical custody is associated with outcomes as good as or better than sole custody, even after taking income and conflict into account. That review counts studies rather than pooling their data, and its full text was not available for this guide; its findings here come from a published summary.

Researchers who urge caution

• All the Swedish studies are cross-sectional. They show an association at one point in time, and cannot show that the arrangement causes the better outcomes.
• A 2019 literature review of 40 studies (Steinbach) found evidence that joint physical custody "can have positive effects", but described the studies as "very heterogeneous" and dominated by self-selected, highly educated, better-off, low-conflict parents. It concluded that the risks and benefits "are not clear yet and are heavily debated by advocates and academics."
• A 2022 German study of 800 children (Langmeyer and colleagues) found shared physical custody was not linked to child adjustment overall, but conflictual co-parenting was linked to more hyperactivity among children in shared arrangements. The authors described the wider evidence as "mixed", pointing to "only minor advantages" over sole care. They report that a 2016 meta-analysis of 19 studies found better adjustment in shared care but with "quite low" effect sizes, and only where time was shared equally.
• A 2018 review of 11 studies of high-conflict families (Mahrer and colleagues) found more shared parenting was linked to poorer child adjustment where high conflict continued many years after divorce, but typically not where conflict was measured during the divorce or in the two or three years after.

What both sides agree on

Conflict, the quality of parenting and the child's relationship with each parent matter a great deal, and the research cannot tell your family what schedule is right. A 2019 systematic review (Baude and colleagues) found that children in joint custody have no more adjustment problems than those in sole custody, and perhaps fewer, when parents cooperate, contain conflict and keep arrangements flexible.

Justice Canada's guidance says roughly equal time "works best when children are a bit older" and parents live close, respect each other's parenting, cooperate and are flexible, and that "there is no magic formula that determines the best schedule." AFCC-Ontario notes that Canadian law has no presumption of equal parenting time. Arrangements for babies and toddlers raise separate questions; see babies and toddlers. For your own family, a family lawyer, mediator or child specialist can help you weigh your children's ages, your distance apart and your ability to keep conflict down.

Everyday practices that put this into action

• Calm, predictable handovers. AFCC-Ontario suggests the parent with the child takes them to the other parent, and Justice Canada suggests exchanges at natural points such as school. See handovers without tears.
• Compatible rules. The AFCC: "Every detail need not be the same, but rules and expectations should be compatible."
• Let children contact the other parent. The Canadian Paediatric Society says, "Let your child talk to the other parent whenever they need to."
• Don't question children about the other home. The AFCC warns it may make them feel like spies.
• Share information directly. School, health and activity information goes parent to parent, never through the child.
• Prefer negotiation and mediation to court where it is safe. In a US study, families randomly assigned to mediate a custody dispute rather than litigate it had more involved non-residential parents 12 years later, without more co-parenting conflict (Emery and colleagues, 2001). Mediation is not suitable where there is family violence.
• Get help early if conflict stays high. A parenting coordinator can help in high-conflict cases. The AFCC notes that children exposed to ongoing parental conflict "are at significant risk for social, academic and mental health problems".

Signs your child needs more help

Many children feel short-term pain and recover; the AAP notes that many bounce back within 2 to 3 years after the separation. The Canadian Paediatric Society lists warning signs to raise with your doctor if they continue or worsen: anxiety, sadness and depression, changes in eating or sleep, trouble at school, and aggressive behaviour. See signs your child is struggling. If a child talks about wanting to die or about hurting themselves, get help now using the lines below.

If there is family violence: co-parenting, joint decision-making, shared handovers and mediation may not be safe. Justice Canada notes that joint decision-making generally is not appropriate where there are ongoing safety concerns due to violence between parents. Read our safety planning guide. Press Shift+Esc to leave this site quickly.

Sources

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This guide is general information for parents, not medical, psychological or legal advice. It draws on published research and guidance from recognised health and family justice bodies, listed under Sources. Every child and family is different. If you are worried about your child or yourself, talk to your family doctor or a qualified professional. FairWell can help you find one through the professional directory.